Needing To Know & Needing To Be Right

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

Alcoholics Anonymous, "How It Works," p. 58.

I've often heard it said that two of the hardest things to do in life are: (a) to admit we were wrong, and (b) to admit we do not know. Doing either, it seems at first, threatens our instinctive drives for security, sex and society. If we don't know, or if (gasp!) we're wrong, what will become of us?

The first of these challenges, admitting that we were wrong, is explicitly dealt with in Step Ten. When we are wrong, we "promptly admit it." In time, and with practice, admitting we've made a mistake and/or acted wrongly becomes much easier. It is a valuable discipline which leads directly to ego-deflation and self-abnegation (i.e., the "forgetting" of "self").

Dr. Wayne Dyer

'Letting Go and Letting God', as spiritual teacher, Dr. Wayne Dyer, observes, "involves relinquishing ego’s attachment to, or fear of, something. The single most pronounced attachment for most of us during the morning of our lives," he points out, "is the attachment to being right!"

"There’s nothing (the) ego loves more than to be right," Dyer notes, "which makes it an important and satisfying attachment to practice letting go of."

The second proposition - admitting that "we do not know" - is not as explicitly addressed in the Twelve Steps, however. But it is an integral part of the Step One admission that our lives were, are and will remain unmanageable. After all, if we rather than God were omniscient, omnipotent and all-knowing our lives would not be unmanageable, and we would be just fine, thank you. But that is decidedly not how it is.

In his many talks, A.A. pioneer, and author, Chuck C. ("A New Pair of Glasses"), would point out that he was brought up to believe he must "out-think, out-smart and out-perform" all comers in order to get what is needed out of life. He, like all of us, had fallen victim to the "delusion" that all would be well and we could "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if (we) only manage well." ('Big Book,' page 61.) It is this delusion, our pride, and the fear of the unknown that grips us when we encounter the unfamiliar that makes it so difficult to admit, even to ourselves, that we are not all-knowing. 

If we admit that "we do not know" what to do in a situation, "we do not know" the answer to a question, or, perhaps, "we do not know" some key information we think we really should know, how does that make us feel? How does it affect how others will think of us? Are we not somehow diminished in our own eyes and the eyes of others? Isn't such an admission shattering to one's self-confidence? Do we not need to know in order to manage life?

Andrew Cohen, Editor-in-chief,
EnlightenNext magazine.

Paradoxically, as ever, and as counter-intuitive as it seems at first, the admission that "we do not know" is a sign of inner strength and an honest admission of our powerlessness. No one person is omniscient and knows everything he or she might wish, and this despite what he or she wishes to convey to the world. After all, as spiritual teacher, Andrew Cohen, points out, the reality is that "beyond a certain point we do not know, we cannot know, and we do not need to know."

Our readiness and ability to let go of this "need to know" is, thus, like our ability to admit it when we are wrong, a good indicator of our spiritual growth. The ego has a fierce desire to know everything and be right all of the time. In facing, accepting and admitting to others the truths that "we do not know" and/or that "we were wrong" we take giant strides towards curbing our self-righteousness and moving beyond the "small self" of the ego towards the "Authentic Self" which is the core and essence of our Being.

Dealing with Fear: "Face Everything and Avoid Nothing"

"(Fear) was an evil, corroding thread; the fabric or our existence was shot through with it."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 67 --

"The achievement of freedom from fear," wrote Bill W., "is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react, well or badly, as the case may be. Only the vainglorious claim perfect freedom from fear, though their very grandiosity is really rooted in the fears they have temporarily forgotten."

"Therefore," he observed, "the problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom of fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fear remains. Trying to understand our fears, and the fears of others, is but a first step. The larger question is how, and where, we go from there."

[Bill W., January 1962 Grapevine article.]

There are two widely repeated acronyms for the word "fear" that one often hears: "Face everything and recover," or, "F**k everything and run," The first, is of course, the spiritual solution to the fears that underlie and are prone to activate our character defects, while the second is the way that so often leads to a relapse into addictive behavior. "The first requirement of spirituality is courage," Gandhi observed. "A coward can never be moral." We must, therefore, uncover and encounter our fears, as while they remain active within us, we will inevitably have to face them.

Spiritual teacher, Andrew Cohen, observes that "facing everything, and avoiding nothing," one of the central tenets of leading an enlightened life, "is the ultimate form of spiritual practice." The human ego - our egocentric smaller "self" - is a false identity that is primarily created by the fears and desires that we identify as being central to the very essence of our being. It is a false and powerless construct, however, as we find "the Great Reality deep down within us." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55.) Listing, facing, and ultimately facing down our fears whenever and wherever they crop up is, thus, an essential requirement of attaining and maintaining our sobriety, and thereafter finding out just 'who' and 'what' we are - what Cohen calls "the authentic self" as opposed to "the ego."

"Only an individual who truly wants to be free will be prepared to abandon the pretense of the ego and to see things as they are," Cohen notes. "Only one who strives for transparency, authenticity, and emptiness of self, and who is deeply motivated by the impulse to evolve, is going to be able to face reality in this way. Anyone else, in the end, will find that they are too invested in maintaining the pretense of a separate self to even begin to practice (facing everything and avoiding nothing) in earnest."

"But," he notes, "as we begin to identify less and less with the fears and desires of the ego and more and more with the evolutionary passion of the authentic self, we will experience less fear, hesitation, and resistance to seeing what is true. We will find the strength and the moral courage to be able to bear whatever we need to bear in order to face everything, and avoid nothing, at all times, in all places, under all circumstances. Why? Because we want to be free more than anything else. "                                                                   [www.andrewcohen.org/teachings/face-everything.asp]

This, I believe, is thus the answer to Bill's larger question of "how and where to go" after the recognition and listing of our fears. It is where our fears - and their flipsides of desire - are burnt up in the crucible of our higher God-consciousness and our faith in "a Power greater than ourselves," that is, our self-centered egos.

"In my own case," Bill observed, "the foundation stone of freedom from fear is faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense. To me, this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning and a destiny to grow, however little and halting, towards his own image and likeness." A God, he might add, that embraces, and is embraced by, our "authentic selves."

Humility: 'Blessed are the Meek' and Humbled

A  friend of mine who is a long-time spiritual seeker told me the following story of an encounter he had while on a retreat with his spiritual teacher, Andrew Cohen. While my friend is non-alcoholic, it nevertheless has a lot to say about alcoholic addiction, and specifically with the alcoholic addict's life-altering encounter with humility.

Cohen, who is Jewish by birth, underwent a radical spiritual awakening with the help of a Vedantist guru in India, who himself was from the lineage of the great sage Ramana Maharshi. Cohen now teaches a cutting-edge brand of postmodern non-duality, which he calls "Evolutionary Enlightenment." Yet, on this retreat Cohen asked this group of non-alcoholic spiritual seekers what Jesus meant in the Beatitudes when he said, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

The meek, in popular thought, are likely seen as the person who always yields to other people, to their decisions and their interests, even when their own views and interests are far different. The group apparently gave Cohen a number of such 'Uriah Heep-like' definitions which he found unsatisfactory.

Andrew Cohen, Editor-in-chief,
EnlightenNext magazine.

"The meek," Cohen reportedly told the group, "are those who have been humbled by life." Then, he made the observation: "That is why alcoholics or addicts in recovery are amongst the luckiest people in the world. They've been humbled by life and they have the opportunity to wake up, right now, and inherit the earth in the here and now."

I went home and consulted my dictionary, knowing what I would find. And sure enough, when I looked up 'humble,' I got a circular definition. (Humble, humility; humility, humiliation, humiliated; humiliated, humbled, etc.) But then, when I looked up 'meek,' right at the end of the definition it said, "meekness=humbleness." At last! And then, when I looked to the definition of 'meek,' it said, "free of self." I get a chill now remembering this.

But what is it to be humble, to be meek, to be free of self? Perhaps. the best definition of this is on a plaque that Dr. Bob kept on his desk. It reads:

HUMILITY

Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble, It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.

It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.

"It is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and pray to my father in secret and be at peace." This, of course is a reference to Matthew 6:6-14, where Jesus urges his followers to use meditative prayer and what has been known since then as "the Lord's Prayer."

Going into an  "inner room" and closing the door being a parable for meditation, meditative prayer is recommended in the following terms:

“But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.

“And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words. So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

[Matthew 6:6-9.]

And thus it is that prayer and meditation are both necessary as we patiently try to perfect our spiritual condition, knowing that we will fall short. For anyone who has tried meditation for an extended period will be humbled by just how raucous and noisy their ordinary egoic self-consciousness is. But with persistent effort, the alcoholic addict can and will improve his or her conscious contact with God, as God can always be found in the quiet; particularly when one is alone with the door to the sometimes seemingly calamitous events of our life closed behind us.

"There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation and prayer," we read in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (at page 98). "Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakeable foundation for life. Now and then we may be granted a glimpse of the ultimate reality which is God's kingdom."

And that is humbling. Truly, we alcoholic addict's in recovery are, as Cohen told his students, "among the luckiest people in the world."

Self-Esteem and Realizing 'Objectivity'

Like most everyone else - but perhaps more so - the alcoholic addict who is newly clean and sober most likely remains obsessed with his or her self-image. And it is likely a thread that runs deep into the fabric of their being. It is for most folks.

How many times have we heard a variant of someone saying they just wanted their 'insides' to match the 'outsides' of the people all around them? Perhaps, this is why the discussion of the Fourth Step inventory specifically includes self-esteem and fear as the primary effects on a bruised ego that leads to resentments.

In setting out the instructions for how to make a personal inventory, the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us: "We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we are angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened."

Throughout the third column of one's personal inventory, we are likely to find (as in the example on page 65 of the 'Big Book') that our 'self-esteem' has been affected by others, and/or that we live in fear about what others may think of us. Perhaps that is a legitimate fear for the alcoholic addict who is still using, but it is no way to lead a spiritual life. We are endeavouring to live life on a spiritual basis, after all, and not on the basis of what others' opinions of us are. Besides, they are in all likelihood too busy worrying about how they appear to others to take too much notice of us.

In his book, "Enlightenment is a Secret," the modern spiritual teacher Andrew Cohen observes that we all need to "realize objectivity," and that cannot be accomplished when we are obsessed with our self-image.

Andrew Cohen, Editor-in-chief,
EnlightenNext magazine.

"Self image is always a dark corner," he writes. "Most people are all suffering from the same agony, tormented by ideas of who they are and who they don't want to be."

"It helps," he observes, "when you realize that this predicament is the human condition. It helps when you realize that almost everybody is suffering in this same misery. Realizing this can help. It can help you to see through the illusion that you are suffering in your own misery isolated and alone. Because of this idea many people feel sorry for themselves. When you realize that this is the average condition of almost everyone it is the beginning of a big change in perspective."

"Realize its not 'your' problem," Cohen urges. "Realize that it is the problem. Realize that this one mistake is the crux of the human predicament. Try and make the effort to depersonalize every aspect of your experience, from the gross to the subtle."

"Realize objectivity," he urges. "It is the only way out."

[Andrew Cohen, "Enlightenment is a Secret," page 144.]

On reviewing our inventory, the 'Big Book' specifically shows us how this lack of objectivity about what others may (or may not) think about us is all-pervading and lethally dangerous. "We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us," we read, "(a)nd in that state the wrong-doings of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill."

Realizing that the false ego of the 'self' - our ordinary self-consciousness, rather than a deeper and higher, God-consciousness - is the real cause of our suffering, we strive to "realize objectivity," as Cohen puts it. Or, as the 'Big Book' puts it: "We realized that the people who had wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick themselves. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too."

It is, therefore, helpful to realize that ego, or ordinary self-consciousness - "thinking without awareness," as another spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, called it - is not just our problem, but that is 'the' problem, just as Cohen notes. Or, as another enlightened spiritual master said, "Of myself, I am nothing, the Father doeth the works." (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75.)

"Angel" by Two Deeply Spiritual Musicians - Sarah McLachlan and Carlos Santana

I cannot think of another song so sweetly sorrowful, yet spiritually uplifting, as this beautiful duet version of "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan, with Carlos Santana accompanying her on acoustic guitar. The lyrics suggest the universal sufferings of not just the addict or alcoholic, but the universal sufferings that the human heart and spirit are vulnerable to when isolated with seemingly nowhere to turn.

               ANGEL

(Lyrics and Music by Sarah McLachlan)

"Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance,
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.

I need some distraction.
Oh beautiful release,
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight."

"In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here;
From this dark cold hotel room,
And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm keeps on twisting;
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.

It don't make no difference,
Escaping one last time,
It's easier not to believe
In this sweet madness,
Oh this glorious sadness,
That brings me to my knees.

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here,
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.

You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.”

Click here to read an article on the spiritual journey of Carlos Santana, his intentions, motives and purpose, which is available on the website of Andrew Cohen's EnlightenNext Magazine.