Not Like Other People . . . But More So

 ". . . (T)hinking without awareness," writes spiritual teacher/author, Eckhart Tolle, "is the main dilemma of human existence."

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Many years from my last drink, but only one warped train of thought and fatal decision away from my next, Tolle's observation rings true and is, perhaps, the clearest and most concise description of the mechanical nature of the human ego. Why is this important for, and so aptly applicable to, the alcohol addict? The simple answer is because (as we read at page 23 in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous)" the main problem of the alcoholic centres in his mind, rather than his body."

Later in the 'Big Book' we come to understand that we must see through the false illusion that one day we will be able to once again "control and enjoy our drinking." We are also told at this point that we must get rid of the delusion that "we are like other people, or one day will be." ('Big Book', page 30.) A full understanding of the second of these delusions enables us to more easily practice the 'meat' of the program.

In one sense this second delusion is right. We have exhibited a progressive addiction to alcohol, and in A.A.'s experience it is fatal and progressive. It does not get better. The old adage that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber holds true. We have long experience in our fellowship - too many at the funerals we have attended - that shows alcoholic drinkers do not turn into moderate or social drinkers. In respect to the consumption of alcohol, we are not like other people. They will be fine if they have a couple of drinks, while the odds are steep that if we do so, we will quickly get very sick and, perhaps, die.

In other matters, however, it seems to me that we are exactly like other people, perhaps only more so. The third delusion the 'Big Book' discusses is in the description of "the actor" on pages 60-62. Here, the 'Big Book' notes that "(m)ost people try to live by self-propulsion, that each person is like an actor that wants to run the whole show. . ." (Emphasis added.)

And what is the "basic problem" of each such person (alcoholic addict and non-addict alike)? "Is he not really a self-seeker," we read on (page 61), "even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" (Emphasis added.)

Still speaking about most people, in general, the 'Big Book' observes that "(s)elfishness (and) self- centeredness is the root of our troubles." "Driven by a hundred forms of self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity," it points out, "we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

And what is "self" - what is "ego" - if it is not the "thinking without awareness" Tolle describes, above? What is "ego" or "self" if it not the incessant chatter of the mind, the "painful inner dialogue" and "terrifying ghosts" of the past that the vast majority of all people suffer from?

Look at the nightly news, pick up a newspaper, read the history of the modern world, and it becomes readily and quickly apparent that most people, even whole nations, are "driven by" a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity." Whole industries, not least the advertising industry, are founded upon this curious human trait of ego identification. In this respect, alcoholic addicts and  non-addicts alike suffer from the same dysfunctional mindset, mode of thinking, and method of interacting with the world. (Psychologically, it seems that each man is an island, despite the famous caution that no man is.)

"(O)ur troubles, we think, are basically of our own making," we read. "They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so." ('Big Book', page 62.)

Thus, in one respect - i.e., with respect to the consumption of  alcohol - "we are not like other people," nor will we ever be. In all other respects, however - i.e., in how each of us tries to "manage" life well in order to "wrest satisfaction and happiness" out of it - we are just like other people only, perhaps, more so. Most people are self-centered (that is, ego-centric) and do not know they possess an 'inner center' beyond the limited egoic self. "Alcoholics," we read at page 24 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, are "self-centered in the extreme." Other, so-called 'normal' people, it seems to me, are just 'extremely self-centered.'

Why is it important for us to understand that apart from the alcoholic addiction we are just like other people, only perhaps more so? Principally because it allows us to get over the deep resentments that have crippled us in our relationships to others and, thus, fueled our alcoholism. If we understand that other people are, for the most part, identified with and driven by their own egoic way of thinking - of "thinking without awareness" - then we can more readily realize "that the people who harmed us were perhaps spiritually sick." ('Big Book,' page 66.)

Realizing that most people are just as driven by their ego-centric mode of interacting with the world as we are, and while not liking "their symptoms and the way these (disturb) us," allows us not to react, but rather respond to them with "tolerance, pity and patience," perhaps, even with love. ('Big Book,' page 67.) Recognizing that virtually all people suffer from the same human dilemma of mistaking their smaller selves or egos for their true identity allows us to more readily forgive others for what they have done to us (and in that process to receive inner forgiveness for what we have done to others.)

Next time someone "offends" you, makes a mistake in traffic, follows too closely, forgets to signal a turn, or whatever, instead of rushing to judgement, realize that he or she is more likely than not just as caught up in the stream of unconscious self-consciousness as we usually are. And don't get sucked into your own inner and egoic dialogue about them. Practicing this non-judgmental identification with the egoic suffering of others is a key to freedom from "the bondage of self," a practice that lies at the heart of "self-forgetting."

Know Thyself - Know Peace

"While the purpose of making restitution to others is paramount, it is equally necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can. Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight. We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have found, will pay - and pay handsomely."

-- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 80 --

The essential problem of the alcoholic addict, is his or her identification with a seemingly separate sense of "self" (i.e., the human "ego"). Over and over in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous we read various iterations of the simple fact that "selfishness, self-centeredness . . . is the root of our problem." As "actors" in the drama of life we find that we have been, like so-called "normal folks," quite egocentric.

In active addiction the alcoholic addict essentially drinks and or uses drugs to get out of his or her "self." Thus, in recovery he or she must find means - spiritual means, at that - to find real and lasting relief from the "punishing inner dialogue" of the "ego" (i.e., relief from the separated "self"), a sense of relief that seemed to come so readily, if temporarily, from booze or drugs while they still worked for us.

We do not, as too many are mistakenly told, first make amends to ourselves in order to achieve this. Rather, we make a list of all those we have harmed in order to make amends to them, wherever and whenever possible. It is in making restitution to these people that we overcome the resentments, remorse and regrets that feed the inner dialogue of "self." With this accomplished, we can more deeply and easily see how the desires and fears that fueled such resentments, remorse and regrets distorted our character. "Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations" will, indeed, "deepen our insight" into these underlying flaws.

Over the entrance to the Temple of the Oracle of Delphi, the most sacred site in Ancient Egypt, were chiselled the words "Know Thyself." Since "self" in its many different guises is the root cause of our problems, this ages-old advice remains apt.

We see in constructing our resentments list how the actions of others have impinged on our physical security, emotional security, personal relationships and sex relations. We have seen how such impingements on our basic desires have engendered great fears. And, we have also taken stock of the role we played in the events that led to such resentments.

Making restitution for our wrongful actions leaves us free to work on the self-centered fears and selfish desires that have warped our character. We come to know our lower "selves" and in knowingly turning our lives over to the care of a Power greater than our lower "selves" - i.e., to the "God of our own understanding" - we come to know a deeper Self beyond the ego. It is in that knowledge that we come to know our own inner divinity, that we come to know that we have never actually been separated from others or from God, and that we come to know peace.

To "Know Thyself" is, thus, in essence, to experience God-consciousness and to know God. And, in reestablishing and improving our conscious contact with "the God of our own understanding" we are, in effect, "reborn."

Forgiveness and Making Amends 101

I found the following passage in Richard Carlson's "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and its all small stuff," a pithy little book of practical spiritual wisdom. Dealing with reaching out and making amends for so-called "normal people," the topic is doubly applicable to the alcoholic addict for whom addressing resentments effectively and making amends are spiritual imperatives upon which the whole of recovery hinges.

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Be the First One to Act Loving or Reach Out

So many of us hold on to little resentments that may have stemmed from an argument, a misunderstanding, the way we were raised, or some other painful event. Stubbornly, we wait for someone else to reach out to us - believing this is the only way we can forgive or rekindle a friendship or family relationship.

An acquaintance of mine, whose health isn't very good, recently told me that she hasn't spoken to her son in almost three years. "Why not?" I asked. She said that she and her son had had a disagreement about his wife and that she wouldn't speak to him unless he called first. When I suggested she be the first one to reach out, she resisted initially and said, "I can't do that. He's the one who should apologize." She was literally willing to die before reaching out to her only son. After a little gentle encouragement, however, she did decide to be the first one to reach out. To her amazement, her son was grateful for her willingness to call and offered an apology of his own. As is usually the case when someone takes the chance and reaches out, everyone wins.

Whenever we hold on to our anger, we turn "small stuff" into really "big stuff" in our minds. We start to believe that our positions are more important than our happiness. They are not. If you want to be a more peaceful person you must understnad that being right is almost never more important than allowing yourself to be happy. The way to be happy is to let go, and reach out. Let other people be right. This doesn't mean that you're wrong. Everything will be fine. You'll experience the peace of letting go, as well as the joy of letting others be right. You'll also notice that, as you reach out and let others be "right," they will become less defensive and more loving toward you. They might even reach back. But, if for some reason they don't, that's okay too. You'll have the inner satisfaction of knowing that you have done your part to create a more loving world, and certainly you'll be more peaceful yourself.

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The passage above illustrates some truisms: (a) that most of us have a compelling, yet unexamined, need to be right, (b) that some people would rather die than reach out and make amends, (c) that reaching out to make amends most usually heals distorted relationships, and (d) that, even if it doesn't, making amends wherever possible will nevertheless give peace of mind to the person who reaches out and makes the effort.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others," we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. "Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough."

Forgiving others for harm done, and then reaching out lovingly to make amends for where we have been at fault are first but necessary steps in cleaning up after such "tornado damage." A lifetime of work may remain to fully rebuild some shattered relationships, but "clearing away the wreckage of our past" is a necessity if we are ever to begin reconstruction.

As a Man Thinketh, So Is He

Today's Thought from Hazelden: September 7, 2011

"As we think, so we become."

"We can enrich our interior monologue. We can seek the company of people who inspire us with a loving approach to life. We can absorb the written thoughts of writers who encourage our positive emotions. We can decide to be cheerful and optimistic, just for today."

"Whom would you rather be around - someone who chronically complains and talks about what a mess everything is, or someone who finds joy and delight in watching the antics of two squirrels in a tree? You are your constant companion. Your own company can be a pleasure or a drag, depending on the thoughts and feelings you permit to linger in your consciousness."

"We take Steps Four and Five in order to sort out our thoughts, getting rid of those that depress our spirit. In Step Ten, we continue a daily mental housecleaning so that residues of resentment and discouragement are not allowed to accumulate. Then we go on to Step Eleven for an infusion of the kind of thinking that nurtures the person we want to become."

"Today, I will exercise my freedom of thought."

"As a man thinketh in his heart so is he," observes James Allen in his classic work, "As a Man Thinketh." Taken from Proverbs 23:7, this aphorism may at first be a revelation for persons who believe that they have no control over how and what they think. Experience with taking and sharing a moral inventory, with making amends for wrongs done, and, most importantly, with prayer and meditation shows us that this is just not true.

To affect a conscious contact with the God of our own understanding, requires the disciplining of our consciousness itself, and the experience of millions, inside and outside 12 Step recovery groups, show that this is eminently possible using the methodology of the Steps or other disciplines. (Remember, A.A. and its sister organizations "have no monopoly" on spiritual awakening.)

"Man is made or unmade by himself," Allen points out. "(I)n the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master."

In the "How It Works" reading, we hear, but perhaps overlook, the warning: "Many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." If we are to remain sober and live contented sane lives, we must not only let go of our old ideas, but our entire old way of ego-centric thinking. We must be able to free ourselves from the painful inner dialogue of self-consciousness in order to access the underlying God-consciousness which is the natural basis of our human condition.  And it is by "the right choice and application of thought" that we do so."

Today, have I chosen to let go of the inner dialogue of self in favour of communion with the God of my understanding? Have I taken the quiet time to commune with and rest in the divine? As I go out from my time of quiet meditation will I be attentive to the thoughts of self-consciousness and let them go as they arise? Today, will I manifest the insanity of the ego or will I strive to remain within the sanity of a higher God-consciousness?

Examining the "Harms" Caused to Others

"We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do to one another, anyway? To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods, but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We really issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind."

"Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? Such a roster of harms done others - the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable - could be extended almost indefinitely. When we take such personality traits as these into the shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused at home."

-- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 80-81 --

 In Step Four (in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) Bill W. notes that our "desires" or "instincts" - for sex, for material and emotional security, and for companionship - may "far exceed their proper functions." Again, in Step Six he observes that, "(n)o matter how far we have progressed, desires will always be found which oppose the grace of God." Then, in Step Eight, he observes that the "harms" we have caused others are the product of "instincts in collision." For recovery and true emotional sobriety, it is thus necessary for us to examine such instincts - irrespective of how gross or subtle they may be - and make our amends for the instances and circumstances in which our instincts have driven us blindly, resulting in the "harms" we have caused to others.

It is relatively easy to examine our grosser instinctual missteps, the remembrance of which gives us the moral shudders. "How could I have done that?" we wonder, as we recall such instances with a mixture of regret, embarrassment and remorse. It is these instances that, perhaps, formed the bulk of our initial Fourth Step inventory. Examination of the subtler harms we have caused - at least for this alcoholic addict - prove the harder to recognize, face and amend. The fine line between the legitimate protection of those we love and care for and the selfish instinct to control and manage our lives by controlling the actions of those closest to us is indeed subtle. ("Mastery of life," one spiritual teacher observed, "is the opposite of control.")

For example, controlling others through an outburst of anger is both memorable for its intensity and eminently regrettable, while controlling others through our over-weaning anxieties is much more easily overlooked. Yet both these instinctual drives must be overcome if we are to effectively turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power and, more particularly, if we are to leave it there! And just as it seems that our coarser defects of character are easier to spot and overcome, so our subtler defects seem to be all the more difficult to weed out.

Thus, even when we have made our initial amends, we must take a daily look at our character defects, paying careful attention to subtler manifestations of our self-centered instincts. These subtle shortcomings may seem to be dangerously innocuous when compared, to say, an ugly outburst of anger or a brooding resentment over the actions of others.

"Our basic troubles are the same as everyone else's," Bill points out, "but when an honest effort is made "to practice these principles in all our affairs," well-grounded A.A.'s seem to have the ability by God's grace, to take these troubles in stride and turn them into demonstrations of faith."

"Like most people," he observes, "we have found that we can take our big lumps as they come. But also like others, we often discover a greater challenge in the lesser and more continuous problems of life. Our answer," he notes, "is still more spiritual development."

"Only by this means," he points out, "can we improve our chances for really happy and useful living. And as we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes toward our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions."

[The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 114.]