No Longer Running the Show

"We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves."

~ Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 87-88 ~

Prayer and meditation need not be confined solely to specific times of daily practice; in fact, the effectiveness of the A.A. program depends upon how consistently we remember to let go of self and revert to the God-consciousness we discover in meditation. Contemplation, as this process is often labelled, is practicing the presence of God in our lives. The contemplative, as suggested above, does not seek "to arrange life" to suit him or herself, but rather intuitively acts in accordance with what he or she is presented with.

No more are we "the actor" who needs to run the whole show, manage the lights, the ballet, and the scenery. etc. Rather, we play the role that is assigned to us. And how do we know what is assigned for us to do? If God is, indeed, everything, life itself will present us with the opportunity to act and the ability to act rightly. What we have to do is to forget self and intuitively respond to what we are presented with - responding not in accordance to emotionally-driven and self-centered thinking, but in accordance with an "inner teacher" which is the root of intuitive thought.

"With few exceptions," we read in the Spiritual Experience appendix, "our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves." Our challenge, irrespective of the situation in which we find ourselves, is to act in accordance with this inner resource.

Relieve Me of the Bondage of Self

" . . . (T)hinking without awareness is the main dilemma of human existence."

-- Eckhart Tolle --
("A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose")

The fears and desires of a mind prone to obsession, like the mind of the alcoholic addict, cloud out all reality. If unchecked, such fears and desires may drive the sufferer in any of a hundred different directions, none of them good, thereby reinforcing the habitually obsessive nature of a mind that is already afflicted.

"Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires," we read in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, "it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasure than are possible or due to us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins."

"As a man thinketh," says the proverb, "so is he." A mind that is consistently besieged by non-stop thoughts - which is the definition of an obsession - will direct actions designed to lessen such insufferable thoughts, oftentimes irrespective of the harm that may be caused. Such egoic, self-centered thinking, led as it is by the fears and desires of the smaller self, thus creates the field (or "measure") in which our shortcomings operate.


The challenge for the individual, then, is how to lift the hold such obsessive thoughts have upon the mind, and the key to such challenge is constant self-awareness. Only by constant vigilance of what the mind is thinking, and by an awareness of the emotions that we experience in response to such thoughts, can we begin to lift the siege.

"Relieve me of the bondage of self" may be the most powerful prayer we have to be rid of our obsessive thinking. At once it is a recognition of the problem - i.e., self - and an invocation for intercession by a Power greater than one's self in order to relieve the sufferer. For, as it is pointed out in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous (at page 55), we find a "Great Reality deep down within us," but it is only by lifting the siege of the ego that we can effect a conscious contact with this reality.

"(D)eep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God," we read, although this "may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, (and) by worship of other things." It is only by consciously lifting our mind above the ego, above the obsessive thoughts that obscure our true nature and make us miserable, that we are enabled to recover an awareness of our greater Being, and to be returned thereby to sanity.

As a Man Thinketh, So Is He

Today's Thought from Hazelden: September 7, 2011

"As we think, so we become."

"We can enrich our interior monologue. We can seek the company of people who inspire us with a loving approach to life. We can absorb the written thoughts of writers who encourage our positive emotions. We can decide to be cheerful and optimistic, just for today."

"Whom would you rather be around - someone who chronically complains and talks about what a mess everything is, or someone who finds joy and delight in watching the antics of two squirrels in a tree? You are your constant companion. Your own company can be a pleasure or a drag, depending on the thoughts and feelings you permit to linger in your consciousness."

"We take Steps Four and Five in order to sort out our thoughts, getting rid of those that depress our spirit. In Step Ten, we continue a daily mental housecleaning so that residues of resentment and discouragement are not allowed to accumulate. Then we go on to Step Eleven for an infusion of the kind of thinking that nurtures the person we want to become."

"Today, I will exercise my freedom of thought."

"As a man thinketh in his heart so is he," observes James Allen in his classic work, "As a Man Thinketh." Taken from Proverbs 23:7, this aphorism may at first be a revelation for persons who believe that they have no control over how and what they think. Experience with taking and sharing a moral inventory, with making amends for wrongs done, and, most importantly, with prayer and meditation shows us that this is just not true.

To affect a conscious contact with the God of our own understanding, requires the disciplining of our consciousness itself, and the experience of millions, inside and outside 12 Step recovery groups, show that this is eminently possible using the methodology of the Steps or other disciplines. (Remember, A.A. and its sister organizations "have no monopoly" on spiritual awakening.)

"Man is made or unmade by himself," Allen points out. "(I)n the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master."

In the "How It Works" reading, we hear, but perhaps overlook, the warning: "Many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." If we are to remain sober and live contented sane lives, we must not only let go of our old ideas, but our entire old way of ego-centric thinking. We must be able to free ourselves from the painful inner dialogue of self-consciousness in order to access the underlying God-consciousness which is the natural basis of our human condition.  And it is by "the right choice and application of thought" that we do so."

Today, have I chosen to let go of the inner dialogue of self in favour of communion with the God of my understanding? Have I taken the quiet time to commune with and rest in the divine? As I go out from my time of quiet meditation will I be attentive to the thoughts of self-consciousness and let them go as they arise? Today, will I manifest the insanity of the ego or will I strive to remain within the sanity of a higher God-consciousness?

Expectations, Anger and Resentments

Anger and fear - in fact all my character defects - seem to be inversely proportional to the expectations I have for myself, for others, and for life in general. In this, I do not think I am alone.

My egoic thinking has constant expectations about how circumstances should and will unfold, despite a lifetime of experience to the contrary; and my self-centered, egoic thoughts about what I am convinced is happening, or is about to happen, give rise to the emotional upheavals characteristic of my defects of character. Thus it is the thoughts of the ego that lead to the feelings of restlessness, irritability and discontent that characterize the alcoholic addict in the throes of his or her disease.

It is precisely to the extent that I continue to identify with my ego, or smaller "self," and thereby continue to harbour such expectations, that I suffer. And if such thinking persists over time, fears grow into phobias, desires grow into entitlements, and anger turns into seething resentments. If I am to be free, I must be free of this selfish, self-centered egoic thinking that is the root of all my problems.

But how is such a shift in the focus of my thinking to come about? First, by truly admitting that life is unmanagable by any individual. Second, by truly turning my will and life over to the care of God, and leaving it there. And, third, by accepting that life is unfolding exactly the way in which it is. For, as the emperor-philosopher Marcus Aurelius observed: "To argue with what is is insanity; and yet, the thoughtless can seldom refrain from doing so."

It is precisely at this point that the well-known passage on "acceptance" is invaluable.

"(A)cceptance," we read, "is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., p. 417.]

Acceptance of life on life's terms is thus directly proportional to my serenity and peace of mind, just as my expectations are inversely proportional to my egoic, self-centered malaise. Therefore, the old question arises: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" What will I strive for acceptance, or the fulfillment of my expectations?

The answer should be clear to anyone who has long suffered the unchecked turmoil of his or her character defects. Acceptance, brings the freedom, hope and love which is the grace of God; expectations breed the anger and despair which is "the bondage of self."

Ill-Advised, Yet Effective, Advice: "Don't Drink and Go to Meetings"

To "just keep coming back," to go to "ninety meetings in ninety days," or to simply heed the advice "don't drink and go to meetings" is good, in and of itself, but it is no guarantor that the newcomer to A.A. will survive in sobriety, or stay sober at all. Such well-intentioned advice - dangerous as it is on its face - may, however, backhandedly trigger the presumably intended effect: it may prompt the newcomer to hang around and stay sober long enough to actually take the 12 Steps, if for no other reason than so that he or she may truly feel a part of A.A. And taking the 12 Steps, as so many of us can attest, may save his or her life. The danger, however, lies in giving such seemingly harmless advice to someone who may lackadaisically and discontentedly hang around the A.A. fellowship for years, never really working the A.A. program and never really recovering. He or she, in turn, becomes the person who is most likely to dish out the only partially effective advice above. Worse still, such a "white-knuckler" may actively recruit other disaffected newcomers and actually sponsor them.

"There is a widely held belief in A.A.," writes the author of the "Member's Eye View" pamphlet, "that if a newcomer will simply continue to attend meetings, "Something will finally rub off on you." And the implication, of course, is that the something which rubs off will be (the) so-called miracle of A.A. "

"Now there is no doubt, in my mind," he points out, "that many people in A.A. accept this statement quite literally. I have observed them over the years. They faithfully attend meetings faithfully waiting for "something to rub off." The funny part about it is that "something" is rubbing off on them. Death. They sit there - week after week - while mental, spiritual and physical rigor mortis sets in."

"I believe." he notes, "(that) the real "miracle of A.A.," the "something" that will rub off, we hope, is simply the alcoholic's willingness to act."

"In A.A.," our anonymous reporter explains, "the reporting is clear and unmistakable. "Here are the steps we took," say those who have gone before. The newcomer finally sees that he, too, must take these Steps before he is entitled to report on them. And in an atmosphere where the constant subject is "What I did" and "What I think," no neurotic can long resist the temptation to get in on the action. In an organization whose members are always secretly convinced that they are unique, no neurotic is long going to be contented with a report of what others are doing."

"The 12 Steps are so framed and presented," he points out, "that the alcoholic can either ignore them completely, take them cafeteria-style, or embrace them wholeheartedly. In any case, he can report only on what he has done. Till he does, he knows that he is more a guest at A.A. than a member, and this is a situation that is finally intolerable to the alcoholic. He must take at least some of the Steps or go away. In my opinion, this is the answer to what finally rubs off on the waiting, inactive, hostile A.A. member, and also the answer to why it happens."

"Don't leave before the miracle happens," - another trite saying heard around the rooms of A.A. - may be a more fitting way of putting it; the "miracle" being a willingness to work the Steps and therein find much-needed relief and the common solution to our common problem.

Unlearning Old Ideas and Attitudes

One of the unique, paradoxical aspects of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) is "the reversal of form that A.A.'s educational process takes." As one wizened old-timer demonstrated to me - undoubtedly paraphrasing the "Member's Eye View" pamphlet - there is nothing to learn in A.A., it is a process of unlearning; particularly unlearning our old "ideas, emotions and attitudes" so that new "conceptions and motives" can arise to take their place.

The author of "A Member's Eye View," undoubtedly one of A.A's most helpful pamphlets, puts it this way:

"The newcomer to A.A. is asked, not so much to learn new values, as to unlearn those he comes in with; not so much to adopt new goals, as to abandon old ones."

"To my mind," he notes, "one of the most significant sentences in the entire book "Alcoholics Anonymous" is this: "Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." The rigidity with which even some nondrinking alcoholics will cling to the opinions, beliefs, and convictions they had upon entering A.A. is well-nigh incredible."

"One of the major objectives of A.A. therapy," he points out, "is to help the alcoholic finally recognize these ideas and become willing to relinquish his death grip on them."

It was Albert Einstein who famously said that "we cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them." The newcomer to A.A. is unlikely to stay clean and sober for long unless she is able to find some relief from the punishing self-centered, ego-centric thinking that is the root problem of her alcoholic addiction. It is therefore incumbent upon us to help him or her recognize egoic thinking by sharing our stories about what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now, emphasizing the changes we have experienced mentally and emotionally as we worked the Steps, and perhaps reserving how we have changed spiritually until he or she is convinced we know what we are talking about. Not all alcoholic addicts necessarily drink the same, but certainly they think the same.

The great psychologist, Carl Jung, in explaining to Rolland H. the nature of the spiritual awakening that had periodically worked to relieve the sufferer of his alcoholism, observed:

"Here and there once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 27.]

Now, however, we know that not all such awakenings need be sudden and overwhelming, that they can, in fact, be what William James called awakenings "of the educational variety." Therefore, first and foremost, it is necessary for us to allow the newcomer an opportunity to identify with us, to allow him or her to relate to the way in which we drank, thought and suffered, and then, and only then, to present him or her with the spiritual solution we have found to our drinking (and thinking) problem. After all, "As a man thinketh, so he is."

On Restlessness

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." 

-- Dr. William D. Silkworth, M.D. --
(Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. xxviii-xxix)

 Restlessness is the state of mind of the alcoholic addict when he or she is not drinking. The inner dialogue of the entirely self-conscious mind jumps from calamity to imagined calamity, from this desire to that desire, and from this memory to that fear continually. As a result, the alcoholic addict - clean and sober for the moment - is acutely self-conscious, and is irritable and discontented with the state of his or her being and lot in life. And, unless he or she "can experience an entire psychic change" there is but small chance of his or her recovery.

In this, he or she is not alone. There are multitudes of so-called "ordinary" people who go through life in just the same manner - irritable, restless and discontented during the largest part of their waking day - but without the physical, addictive craving for alcohol or more drugs once some is ingested, it is unlikely that they will ever fall into alcoholic addiction. Most of these non-alcoholic types could perhaps use a drink or two to get over their all-too-common restlessness and discomfort. More aptly, they too require a psychic change, and not a mere expedient, if they are to live a happy and contented life.  The alcoholic addict, by way of contrast, and absent an entire psychic change, will remain addicted to that expedient.

This basic human problem is recognized in the Bhagavad Gita, a discourse between Arjuna, a highly developed warrior, and the self-realized master, Krishna, who acts as his charioteer.

"Thou hast told me of a Yoga of constant oneness, O Krishna," Arjuna says, "of a communion which is ever one. But, Krishna, the mind is inconstant; in its restlessness I cannot find rest. The mind is restless Krishna, impetuous, self-willed, hard to train: to master my mind seems as difficult to master as the mighty winds."

"The mind is indeed restless, Arjuna," Krishna replies, "it is indeed hard to train. But by constant practice and by freedom from passions the mind in truth can be trained. When the mind is not in harmony, this divine communion is hard to attain; but the man whose mind is in harmony attains it, if he knows and strives for it."

[Bhagavad Gita, 6:33-36]

Thus, Krishna affirms to Arjuna that the basic nature of the unawakened mind is restlessness. but he recognizes also that the mind can be trained through "constant practice and by (a) freedom from the passions" in order that it may be harmonized.

It is precisely this basic retraining of the mind in order to precipitate an "entire psychic change" that the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) are designed to fulfill.

At page 27 of Alcoholics Anonymous, the great Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, describes the "huge emotional displacements and rearrangements" that have been know to effectively treat alcoholism in the following way: "Ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side and an entirely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

Absent such a psychic change, the restless, egoic and wholly self-conscious mind is dominated by seeming "calamity, pomp and worship of other things." This inner narrative blocks off all possibilities of a higher, dilated consciousness in which the alcoholic addict can effect a contact with a Power greater than his or her "self," or, if you prefer, a conscious contact with God.

Thus, the uncontrollable consumption of drugs and alcohol can truly be said to be a mere "symptom" of a far greater underlying condition - the ordinary, restlessness of the human ego. And until, that restlessness is abated, there can be little hope for "permanent sobriety, and a contented and useful life."
Working the Twelve Steps is one methodology - "we have no monopoly" - to bring about the necessary psychic change, in this instance via a spiritual awakening from within.

Character Defects: "The Seven Deadly Sins"

As at best an agnostic by natural temperament, I was taken aback (as I suppose many others were) when I first read the characterization of my defects of character as "sins" in Step Four of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Not surprisingly, of course, my objection was one that had been anticipated by Bill W.

With foresight in writing the Step Four essay, Bill presciently observed that "(s)ome will become quite annoyed if there is talk about immorality, let alone sin. But," he reasoned, "all who are in the least reasonable will agree upon one point: that there is plenty wrong with us alcoholics about which plenty will have to be done if we are to expect sobriety, progress and any real ability to cope with life."

Thus, in writing the Step Four essay he settled on the "the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth" as "a universally recognized list of major human failings" that could be used as a yardstick by which we could measure our "shortcomings." (Bill observed elsewhere that there was no distinction in meaning between "character defects" and "shortcomings," stating simply that he did not like to have adjoining sentences ending with the same words.)

Meanwhile, I remained quietly and silently opposed to this characterization of my "shortcomings" as "sins" until it was explained to me by an old-timer, who unbeknownst to me was a retired nun with a Ph.D., that the word "sin" had its origin as a term of art in archery, denoting when an archer missed his target. Thus, when I was beset with one or more of these "deadly sins," it was explained to me, it was a most definite indication that my thoughts rather more than my morals were askew.

Later, in reading "The Gnostic Gospels," by acclaimed biblical historian, Elaine Pagels, I came across the following explanation:

"The New Testament term for sin, hamartia," she notes, "comes from the sport of archery; literally, it means "missing the mark." New Testament sources teach that we suffer distress, mental and physical, because we fail to achieve the moral goal toward which we aim: "all have sinned, and fall short of the Glory of God." (Romans 3:23).

 Thus, when prideful, greedy, angry, etc., it is a clear indication that once again I have lapsed into and identified with my egoic, "self-consciousness." My thinking, centered in "self" or ego, has once again "missed the mark," so to speak.

Note, however, that these "Seven Deadly Sins" are all associated with feelings, emotions and sentiments, rather than with thinking per se. One doesn't think angry, one has thoughts that arouse feelings of anger, which is a subtle but important point.

When entertaining a resentment (which is just the manifestation of a lasting anger), for example, one thinks again of the person or situation that angered him or her in the first place and then re-experiences the same feelings, emotions or sentiments that were aroused before. (Thus, resentment is a re-experiencing or 're-sentiment' of old feelings sparked by entertaining one's old ideas or thoughts.) Similarly, when thinking about how much better or less one is compared to others, one feels pride; when thinking how much one wants something he or she lacks, one feels greedy, etc.

An even more subtle tool for examining our character defects, and one that goes further in helping us understand the root cause of why our thinking "misses the mark," is the list of "the Nine Capital Sins" (sometimes referred to as "the Enneagram") that are compiled in Fr. Richard Rohr's book, "The Naked Now." These consist of:

(1)  The need to be right.
(2)  The need to be needed.
(3)  The need to be successful.
(4)  The need to be special.
(5)  The need to perceive.
(6)  The need to protect self.
(7)  The need to avoid pain.
(8)  The need to be against.
(9)  The need to avoid.

Each of these can breed a fear that the particular "need" will not be fulfilled, thus threatening the ego; and such self-centered fears - "primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded" - are, we know, "the chief activators of our defects."

[The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 76.]

On Desire, Fear and the Activation of Our Character Defects

In Step Four, we see how the word "fear" occurs again and again in the third column of our resentments list. Then, again, on the last page of the Step Seven essay in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we read: "The chief activator of our defects of character has been self-centered fear - primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded."

But why are our lives shot through with fear? If we re-examine the fourth column of our Step Four inventory - what our part was in the situations we are still resentful about - we can ask why we have these fears, and the answer will almost inevitably come back that our basic interests or desires are threatened.

In the examples given in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. fear is bracketed three times beside 'self-esteem' and once beside 'security.' This prompts the question: Do we not have overbearing desires to be seen and treated in a certain fashion? Do we not willfully demand that other people see us and treat us in the manner we demand?

Step Six in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions suggests that we do.

"Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires," we read, "it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures that are possible or due to us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, our sins."*

Thus, while fear is "the chief activator" of our character defects, it is our desire-fuelled demands upon life and other people that is "the measure of our character defects," that create the mental space for our fear-activated character defects to become operative.

If we do not have a desire about how we wish to be seen by others and stake our self-esteem on it, for example, then we can have no fear that we will not be perceived in that specific light. The same is true for the myriad of other desires about the amount of money we want, the personal and intimate relationships we crave, and the social positions we want to hold. This, of course, is the reason why all of the world's great wisdom and religious traditions identify our desires as the root of our human suffering.

Thus, in the Gospel of Luke, we read:

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!"

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?"

"Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!"

"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."

[Luke 12:22-31]

Similarly, according to the Buddha, the cause of our suffereing is our identification with the mind, and just so long as we live in the mind, then the desires of the mind will coninue, and with each desire further suffering. Desire, according to the Buddha, is the root cause suffering, and so he taught the path of witnessing the desires and, thus, going beyond the mind.

To this effect, the Buddha taught:

If you are not awakened, desire grows in you like a vine in the forest. Like a monkey in the forest, you jump from tree to tree, never finding the fruit - from life to life, never finding peace. If you are filled with desire, your sorrows swell like the grass after the rain. But if you subdue desire, your sorrows shall fall from you like drops of water from a lotus flower.

And, on fear, the Buddha notes: "The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed."

If we fearlessly face the proposition that God is either everything or nothing (see page 53 of the 'Big Book'), and we answer in the affirmative, then we can begin to realize that there is no other desire that need be filled. And if there are no desires, there is no fear that our desires will not be fulfilled, and therefore no activation of our defects of character through the action of our egoic self-consciousness.

While fear is, thus, the "chief activator" of our defects of character, without our self-centered desires, there can be no fear.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

* Many people shy away from the words "sin" or "sins." The term originates from a Greek archery term for when an archer misses his target, presumably to the left (as the Greeks called the right hand 'dexterous' and the left hand 'sinister'). Thus, the word "sin" is originally a metaphor for when our thoughts miss their mark. Understanding this, helped me to stay open-minded about the concept of "sin" (particularly regarding the 'seven deadly sins' of pride, greed, anger, lust, gluttony envy and sloth, as discussed in Step Seven in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions), as - like alcoholic addiction - "sin" implies a physical and mental shortfall, rather than a moral failing per se.

On Awakening . . .

"On awakening," we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, "let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives."

In this passage on 'awakening,' we are urged every day to return and give thought to our 'spiritual awakening,' and therefore it is not mere coincidence that the discussion centers around our motives. For in reading page 27 of the 'Big Book' (below), where Carl Jung explains what a 'spiritual awakening' consists of, we see that the plane of one's thoughts and one's motives are the central feature of his description.

"Here and there," we read, "once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

[Emphasis added.]

The alcoholic addict is a victim of his or her own "selfish" and "self-centered" thinking. This does not, perhaps, mean that the alcoholic addict is "selfish" and "self-centered" solely in the normal sense that we think of such terms - i.e., in the sense of greed and a heedlessness to the needs of others - but also (and more importantly, I believe), it means that the alcoholic is in a very literal way 'addicted' to and wholly identified with the inner dialogue and narrative of the self-conscious human ego.

The alcoholic addict (like most other folks), I believe, suffers under the false assumption that he or she is the 'thinker' rather than the person who is aware of the thoughts that move fleetingly and continuously across the field of his or her consciousness.

When wholly identified and dominated by such egoic self-conscious thinking, one's motives will necessarily be focused on alleviating the suffering that this fearful mode of thought (or "attitude") engenders. Whether this is done by exerting all one's efforts to control and mange one's life circumstances and the people in one's life, or whether it is by surrendering to the impulse to escape such suffering by drinking or drugging, the motive is the same: one is seeking only to avoid suffering and gain happiness, however temporary and fleeting.

When such "ideas, emotions and attitudes" are cast away, "new conceptions and motives" naturally arise from a higher plane of consciousness - what the more religious members of A.A. would call "God-consciousness." Gone are the thoughts that dwell on what other people have done, or might do to us, and thoughts of what we may do to raise the plane of our consciousness and help others to realize their own potential begin to take their place. In this process we learn to live "one day at a time" (or perhaps more accurately, 'one moment at a time'), free of the fear-based thoughts about the actions of others that used to dominate us.

This is not a new insight peculiar to Alcoholics Anonymous (or any of its sister organizations), but is an insight that has been with us since humankind began to realize the difference between their thoughts and 'who' or 'what' they are. It is reflected in the Meditations of the great philosopher/Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, where he writes:

"Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will and selfishness - all of them due to the offender's ignorance of what is good and evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of Good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow-creature similarly endowed with Reason and a share of the Divine); therefore none of these things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him, for he and I were born to work together, like a man's two hands, feet or eyelids, or like the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature's law - and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction?"

In striving to attain to this higher plane of consciousness which is devoid of ego, we are told that: "What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind." This shift in consciousness - from egoic, self-consciousness to an inclusive and expansive God-consciousness - is the heart of the A.A. miracle. With it, the obsession to drink or drug (which is the predominant symptom of alcoholic addiction) drops away, and we are enabled to live a contented and purposeful life without the urge to flee from our smaller "selves" via the bottle or through drugs.

From Self-Centered Resentment to a Quiet Humility

The basic problem of the alcoholic addict is "selfishness," or "self-centeredness" - our basic egocentric, self-consciousness - which is the very fabric of the inner narrative, or "painful inner dialogue," which seems to continuously run through our minds.

"Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us," we read in the 'Big Book,' "we considered its common manifestations." First of which, we read, is our pent-up anger or "resentments."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64.]

"I must cease trying to forgive those who fretted and wronged me," we read in our meditation for the day. "It is a mistake for me even to think about these injuries. I must aim at overcoming myself in my daily life and then I will find there is nothing in me that remembers injury, because the only thing injured, my selfishness, is gone."

["Twenty-Four Hours a Day," May 3rd.]

 To let go of this inner narrative, to cease even thinking about such powerful old ideas as our long-held resentments, is the key to spiritual awakening and the essence of humility - being who we are in the deeper and higher portion of our consciousness and nature.

"Humility," reads a plaque on Dr. Bob's desk, is "(p)erpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble, It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. . . . (I)t  is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace."

True humility, true peace and selflessness - the freedom from "the bondage of self" at the heart of our Third Step prayer - is the essence of a spiritual way of living. It is to be free of the self and egoless. In the most literal sense it is to have true peace of mind, the inner quiet that mystics, saints and contemplatives from  all the world's great religious or wisdom traditions have spoken of.

To seek such peace of mind, to practice "self examination, meditation and prayer" in order to realize one's true inner being is a luxury for ordinary men and women; yet, for the alcoholic addict it is vital necessity. Ultimately, the alcoholic addict must find such peace of mind in order to save his or her life. To do so, he or she must give up even thinking of old resentments. Thankfully, the 12 Steps are specifically set out so that such old, ego-centric thoughts and ways of thinking can be alleviated.

Carl Jung and Alcoholics Anonymous: Part I

The only place where an "absolute" is mentioned in the first half of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous is in the introductory remarks about our "old ideas" in the "How It Works" chapter - right there in the paragraph immediately before the 'suggested' Twelve Steps are laid out.

"Many of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas," we are cautioned each time the "How It Works passage is read out, "but the result was nil until we let go absolutely." Nothing changes. We remain just as "restless, irritable and discontented" as we were before we took that last 'first drink' for just as long as we try to hang on to our old mental life.

But why are our "old ideas" flagged as the only aspect of our former lives that we must let go of lock, stock and barrel - or  "absolutely"? The answer, it seems, like so much else - indeed, the entire Twelve Steps movement - has its "taproot" in the work of the psychologist Carl Jung with a single patient, Roland Hazzard. Roland would go on to join the Oxford Group, find a "solution" to his alcoholic addiction, and pass the message of recovery on to Ebby T. who passed the message on to Bill Wilson. And getting rid of "old ideas" is at the heart of the message which Roland indirectly passed on to Bill W.

The crux of the message was that a sufficiently forceful - or "vital" - "spiritual experience" could arrest an almost always fatal alcoholic addiction:

"Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

("Alcoholics Anonymous," page 27; emphasis added.)

"What man by taking thought ever
added one moment to his life span?"
(Matthew 6:27)

The setting aside of "old ideas," together with the emotional content of those thoughts and our habitual process of how we think (our "attitudes") is the spiritual experience we need to arrest our alcoholism and recover. It is the setting aside of "old ideas" that creates within us the "open mind" uncluttered by egoic thinking and by the "calamity, pomp and worship of other things ("Big Book,' page 55) that separate us from the "Great Reality deep down within us." It is the setting aside of "old ideas" that reveals to us "the unsuspected inner resource" ('Big Book' Spiritual Experience appendix) which almost without exception early A.A. members identified with "their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

We utilize the 12 Steps and its suggested program of "self examination, meditation and prayer" to rid our 'selves' of our 'selves' in essence. Through this process, the "ideas, emotions and attitudes' of our ordinary, egoic 'self-consciousness' are suddenly (or gradually) replaced with a 'higher consciousness,' or what the "more religious" early A.A. members called "God-consciousness," which brings with it a "whole new mindset of "conceptioins and motivations'" according to Jung.

That attainment of this 'higher consciousness' is sufficient to arrest and treat an alcoholic addiction is "no coincidence," Jung would much later point out in a prized letter to Bill W. In the Jung-Wilson correspondence (discussed in Part II of this article) Jung notes that, "Alcohol in Latin is "spiritus" and you use the same word for the highest religious [or spiritual] experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum."

However, in order for us to follow this formula, we must continually strive to rid ourselves of the ego and its old ideas, even as they continually arise in us through our egoic streams of consciousness. And, it is in this process of "self-forgetting" that we let go of ego-consciousness and so establish or re-establish our conscious contact with an 'understandable' God within our Being.

And, it is in this continual "self-forgetting" of the 11th Step Prayer that "we find" a higher consciousness and Jung's "new conceptions and motivations" despite the challenge of doing so. Because, let's face it, after several minutes of our egos chewing on it, virtually any thought will begin to grow old and stale.

(Click, here, for "Carl Jung and Alcoholics Anonymous: Part II")

Restless, Irritable and Discontented . . . "Who Me?"

Once again the topic of "Irritability, Restlessness and Discontent" - the base state of the alcoholic without alcohol or drugs in his/her system - whether still in 'active addiction, or in 'inactive yet untreated' alcoholic addiction (i.e., "dry" sobriety) - came up for discussion at our local discussion meeting. The topic comes from an oft-recited passage from the "Doctor's Opinion" in the introductory section of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. It reads:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

("Alcoholics Anonymous," pp. xxviii-xxix.)

In Doctor Silkworth's opinion, this is what keeps drunks picking up "that first drink" (and it is not uncoincidentally, and most often simultaneously, what incites the addict to pick up his pipe or his pills). We like the effect that drink and/or drugs has on us. Without this effect we are, quite literally, 'out of our minds' with a mental restlessness that produces great feelings of irritability and profound discontent. Yet, unless our thinking and attitudes have changed dramatically we have only one solution to this condition . . . and that is to use again.

Most alcoholic addicts continue on this treadmill until it kills them, often after years of great suffering, perhaps with intermittent years "coming in and out" of church basement's where recovery from alcoholic addiction is discussed but not experienced by them. Yet, for some, they experience "an entire psychic change" that allows them to keep their fatal maladay in remission, based upon their attaining and maintaining a certain "spiritual attitude."

But what about the alcoholic addict who has put the bottle and the bag down and is "white knuckling" it? Or, the reformed alkie-addict that has years of not drinking or drugging under his or her belt, has settled for a form of milquetoast sobriety while enjoying the benefits of a chemically sober life, but has settled into a far less purposeful and contented life than is readily possible?

What about the person who remains "restless, irritable and discontent" for years into sobriety, whether this is the result of a lack of true understanding or good sponsorship, an aversion to working the steps or plain old procrastination and laziness, or because he or she has hurriedly dumped all the obsessions of the self-driven mind into their "performance" in another area of life, such as work, physical fitness, or making a lot of meetings just for the sake of the brief respite of Fellowship and "prestige" they might offer?

Let's look at the so-called normal person. Do they not appear to be similarly prone to the same irritability, restlessness and discontent which can become rampant within the rooms of any 12 Step group? Consider the husband and wife who snipe at each other, or the person who tailgates you on the freeway until finally he can zoom past you at twice the speed limit while talking on his cell phone and giving you the American Sign Language salute for "have a nice day"?

Consider ourselves faced with the pressure of the work-a-day problems of everyday living. Are we not all prone to this epidemic of restlessness irritability and discontent in our society? It is all well and good for the "so-called normal person" who will muddle along as best she can, and who may finally find a spiritual solution for her 'problems' as well. But for the alcoholic addict without the eventually fatal luxury of going back to the bottle or back on the pipe, this irritability, restlessness and discontent may very well lead him to buy a bottle, buy a bag, or buy a gun and buy the farm.

Irritability, restlessness and discontent must be addressed with spiritual means, and not tolerated, albeit at a reduced level from what it was when we were full-blown. If not?  It is too often fatal!

But what about the spiritually adept? How does he or she go about weeding out the last roots of this poisonous trio? A start may be made in meditation. I recently read a passage from David Bohm, a renowned theoretical physicist, and an accomplished spiritual aspirant. He talked about how, at the very deepest level of consciousness there is an "emotion of wishing to think."

I know from my own meditation practice what this vague emotional stirring "of wishing to think" feels like. My first meditation teacher (an A.A. old-timer with 35+ years of daily, and intensive, meditation and prayer) taught me that an awareness of this stirring, and a mindful returning to the object of meditation would dissipate that stirring. And it does . . . sometimes. When it doesn't and I break out into full, egoic "think, think, thinking," it is a reminder that meditation is a "practice."

Self-centered, egoic self-consciousness (or "ego consciousness") is the main root of our habitual 'thinking' problem. ("Think, think, think . . . stink, stink, stink . . . drink, drink, drink", I was taught.) And, thus, an awareness of this needing to think, is essential if we are not to break out in full-blown irritability, restlessness and discontent. When in our continuous self-examination, we note these feelings (Step Ten), it is time to affirm that life remains "unmanageable" at the level of the ego (Step One), and that we need to "stop, pause and from the quiet" (Step Three) and affirm and invoke a Power which is greater than "self" to aid us in going forward with serenity and an 'acceptiveness' of life.

We "need more grace," as Rumi - that lover of wine and of life's tavern - noted.

"Humility Consists in Having a Perfectly Open Mind"

"Honesty" = We don't have to remember the "stories" we've told.
"Humility" = We don't have to remember the "roles" we've played.

Greek "Tragedy" and "Comedy" Masks
(Note the grapevines on "Comedy.")

The analogy of the alcoholic addict as an 'actor' is an effective one. Like all good metaphors and analogies, it works because there is so much truth in it. With a continually humble attitude - true 'humility' - we move from being "the actor" always trying to hit a "mark" we've imagined, and to "deliver the lines" we imagine we need to, so that life will turn out good for everyone - even ourselves.

We can, however, if we stay humble, move from being stage-frightened actors to comedians joyfully ad-libbing our way through life one day at a time, confident that the whole life process - the whole "show" - is in the hands of a manager/director infinitely more capable than we are of running things on our own resources.  No more "scripts" to remember; no more "roles" to rehearse; no more "characters" to play. (It is no coincidence that the ancient Greek word for an "actor" was "hypokrite.")

Paul Brunton (1898-1981 )

Yet, true humility is difficult for all of us - alcoholic addict and so-called 'normal person,' alike. As the philosopher, Paul Brunton, observed:

"The average man is not humble; he may appear to be so, but inwardly he sets up mental resistance and barriers, and builds walls of prejudice against truth. Humility consists in having a perfectly open mind, as though you were new-born, and being able to receive with complete faith not only the words of those who know, but what is still more important, that which is behind the words which is Spirit."

It is, of course, a great challenge - some might call it, life's greatest challenge - to keep a perfectly open mind. As with so many other challenges in our program, we aim at perfection while knowing that we will consistently fall short. But recovery is found in our attempt to reach perfection.

But how many newcomers (or old-timers, for that matter) would interpret humility as "keeping an open mind"? Few, I would suspect. That would not only have never  occurred to me. I suspect that I would have argued vociferously against such an interpretation, just as I argued (if silently) against all spiritual axioms and principles. Yet, this is indeed, what humility means; an open mind, free of the wholly "self" conscious "stream of thought."

On Dr. Bob's desk in his Akron, Ohio home, I am told there is a plaque bearing the words which to him best described what true "humility" is. It reads:

Dr. Bob (1878-1950)

HUMILITY

Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble, It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.

It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.

But how to keep this "open mind;" how to find this "blessed home" in oneself? This is exactly what the 12 Steps are designed to open up and maintain. But first we must get rid of our "old ideas" and "old attitudes," or the habitual way we have learned to think and perceive the world.

Remember, in "How It Works," we read that "some of us tried to hold onto our old ideas, but the result was nil until we let go absolutely." That, it was pointed out to me, is the only "absolute" in the first 164 pages of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. Old ideas, can quickly and easily cloud one's "open mind," and thus, irrespective of length of sobriety, rob the then-suffering alcoholic addict of all humility and "quietness of heart."