Thoughts, Character Defects, and Awakening

Consider, if you will, the following short, succinct, yet powerful statements taken from different sections of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, reshuffled and juxtaposed in a different order. Together, I believe, they set out the primarily 'mental aspect' of alcoholism, as well as a good description of the 'nature' of the inner spiritual transformation which can effect a recovery from "a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body":

"(T)he main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. . . . Many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. . . . The actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. . . . At certain times (he) has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense.

Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 23, 58 and 43.

"(However), once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. . . . Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. . . . With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. . . . Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it 'God-consciousness'. . . . (The alcoholic's) defense must come from a Higher Power."

Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 27, 567-568 and 43.

In "The Iron Lady", the recent movie which chronicles the life of Margaret Thatcher, the former British Prime Minister cautions her advisers: "Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habit. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

See: "As a Man Thinketh", a book
used to good effect by many early

A.A. members.

I've seen this quote, which is probably anonymous, attributed to every one from Dr. Seuss, to Ralph Waldo Emerson, to Lau Tze. Regardless of its origins, however, it points to a universal truth: "As a man thinketh, so he is." This spiritual truism that our thought life eventually becomes our character and destiny is particularly apt, it seems to me, for the alcoholic addict in recovery.

A man who continually thinks angry and volatile thoughts becomes an irritable and angry man. A man who continually thinks about how he is perceived by others becomes either a shy man or a vain man. A man who continually thinks about alcohol becomes, and remains unless his thoughts and character change, a drunken man. Thus, the necessity for a spiritual awakening in which our habitual "ideas, emotions, and attitudes" are cast to one side.

Such a change in thoughts, words, actions, habits, and character are absolutely necessary if we are to "trudge the road of Happy Destiny" in recovery. And, the key lies in letting go of our "old ideas," for they shape our 'attitudes' (that is, our 'habitual ways of thinking') and produce the resulting emotions which only serve to reinforce and perpetuate our old thought patterns.

Just as over time a path is worn into the shortest route across a field by people crossing and re-crossing it, so, too, are paths or grooves worn into our consciousness by the continual movement of our thoughts in certain habitual directions - towards ongoing resentments, towards judgement of others, towards our fears, towards specific episodes of the past that fill us with guilt and remorse, and so on. Habitually, we let our thoughts roll down these mental grooves unchecked, not even noticing what we are thinking until suddenly - or so it seems - we are upset, our pride is wounded, we are filed with spite, envy or anger, etc., etc., etc.

Various religions and wisdom traditions have different names for these 'mental grooves': Buddhism calls them 'obscurations', Islam calls them 'veils' or 'nafs', the Hindu Vedanta calls them 'skhandas', Christianity 'sins' or even 'demons.' In Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) we call them 'defects of character' or 'shortcomings' and we pray (and work) to have them removed. For virtually everyone, alcoholic addict and so-called 'normal people' alike, confronting and overcoming damaging thought patterns (or attitudes) - i.e., character-building - is a lifetime work which must start with developing an inner awareness of just what it is we are thinking at any moment.

A metaphor that is shared by many traditions is that of a poisonous snake. If you are in a hut and you see a poisonous snake beginning to slither its way through a hole in the wall, you are advised to pick up a hoe and hack off the snake's head before it makes it all the way into your hut where it can harm or kill you. In just the same way, we need to be alert and aware of the first thought or "old idea" that sweeps us down the stream of consciousness, goading us to say things and do things that are harmful to ourselves and those around us.

When I was new to recovery old-timers would point out, "If you are hit by a train, it isn't the caboose that kills you." So, too, it is not the last drink of a spree, but the first drink that starts it. And, so too, it is not the last thought ("Arggh! I need a drink!") but the first of a series of thoughts - a powerful thought-stream that quite often is at first wholly unrelated to drinking - that sets the ball rolling. (See the story of "Jim" in the 'Big Book'  at pages 35-37, and how he felt irritated at the thought he worked at a car dealership he once owned, how he thought he'd just go for a drive in the country, and how, suddenly and unexpectedly he began drinking even though he knew the certain consequences drinking held for him.)

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 43.)

In order to ready that defense which will inevitably be needed sooner or later, in order to access a Power that is greater than our limited selves, and in order to awaken and remain awake spiritually, it is necessary that we do the 12 Steps and, thereafter, continue to nourish our growth in Spirit by the habitual practice of self-examination, meditation and prayer.

Self-examination consists of being aware of what we are thinking at any given time, and quickly realizing when we are being swept down the rusting tracks of old thought-patterns by the powerful train of our old ideas and attitudes. It is the recognition that 'the poisonous snake' of our ego-centric, self-centered thinking, as in the metaphor above, is once again slithering through the hole.

Prayer is the affirmation and invocation of our Higher Power, the God of our own understanding, the Great Reality deep down with us, that allows us to lay aside our thinking. ("Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will.") It is our picking up the hoe and hacking the head off the snake of egoic thinking.

Meditation is sitting in the quiet awareness of our being and that Power within us which is greater than the small 'self' of ego. It is practicing and nourishing the clarity of a mind that is truly awake, recharging the inner vitality for the efforts of vigilance we will need throughout the day if our innermost 'hut' is to be free of 'snakes' and other dangers.

In this way, we watch our thoughts so that our words and actions increasingly conform to God's will for us, so that our habits of thought forge a new character as our old character defects are removed, so that our lives are changed (inwardly and outwardly) as we "trudge" the road to our destiny.

Needing To Know & Needing To Be Right

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

Alcoholics Anonymous, "How It Works," p. 58.

I've often heard it said that two of the hardest things to do in life are: (a) to admit we were wrong, and (b) to admit we do not know. Doing either, it seems at first, threatens our instinctive drives for security, sex and society. If we don't know, or if (gasp!) we're wrong, what will become of us?

The first of these challenges, admitting that we were wrong, is explicitly dealt with in Step Ten. When we are wrong, we "promptly admit it." In time, and with practice, admitting we've made a mistake and/or acted wrongly becomes much easier. It is a valuable discipline which leads directly to ego-deflation and self-abnegation (i.e., the "forgetting" of "self").

Dr. Wayne Dyer

'Letting Go and Letting God', as spiritual teacher, Dr. Wayne Dyer, observes, "involves relinquishing ego’s attachment to, or fear of, something. The single most pronounced attachment for most of us during the morning of our lives," he points out, "is the attachment to being right!"

"There’s nothing (the) ego loves more than to be right," Dyer notes, "which makes it an important and satisfying attachment to practice letting go of."

The second proposition - admitting that "we do not know" - is not as explicitly addressed in the Twelve Steps, however. But it is an integral part of the Step One admission that our lives were, are and will remain unmanageable. After all, if we rather than God were omniscient, omnipotent and all-knowing our lives would not be unmanageable, and we would be just fine, thank you. But that is decidedly not how it is.

In his many talks, A.A. pioneer, and author, Chuck C. ("A New Pair of Glasses"), would point out that he was brought up to believe he must "out-think, out-smart and out-perform" all comers in order to get what is needed out of life. He, like all of us, had fallen victim to the "delusion" that all would be well and we could "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if (we) only manage well." ('Big Book,' page 61.) It is this delusion, our pride, and the fear of the unknown that grips us when we encounter the unfamiliar that makes it so difficult to admit, even to ourselves, that we are not all-knowing. 

If we admit that "we do not know" what to do in a situation, "we do not know" the answer to a question, or, perhaps, "we do not know" some key information we think we really should know, how does that make us feel? How does it affect how others will think of us? Are we not somehow diminished in our own eyes and the eyes of others? Isn't such an admission shattering to one's self-confidence? Do we not need to know in order to manage life?

Andrew Cohen, Editor-in-chief,
EnlightenNext magazine.

Paradoxically, as ever, and as counter-intuitive as it seems at first, the admission that "we do not know" is a sign of inner strength and an honest admission of our powerlessness. No one person is omniscient and knows everything he or she might wish, and this despite what he or she wishes to convey to the world. After all, as spiritual teacher, Andrew Cohen, points out, the reality is that "beyond a certain point we do not know, we cannot know, and we do not need to know."

Our readiness and ability to let go of this "need to know" is, thus, like our ability to admit it when we are wrong, a good indicator of our spiritual growth. The ego has a fierce desire to know everything and be right all of the time. In facing, accepting and admitting to others the truths that "we do not know" and/or that "we were wrong" we take giant strides towards curbing our self-righteousness and moving beyond the "small self" of the ego towards the "Authentic Self" which is the core and essence of our Being.

The 'Three Delusions'

There are 'three delusions' - actually one illusion, and two delusions - specifically referenced in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 'first delusion' speaks to the first part of Step One (that we are "powerless over alcohol"), the 'second delusion' speaks to both parts of the First Step, while the 'third delusion' addresses the last half of the First Step (that our lives have become, are, and remain "unmanageable"). An understanding of all three delusions is critical if we are to work the rest of the 12 Steps to the best of our abilities.

The 'first delusion' is in the first paragraph in the chapter entitled "More About Alcoholism," in which we read: "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates or insanity or death." (Emphasis added.) For the real alcoholic (or alcoholic addict) this illusion can entirely stymie all attempts at recovery, and may prove fatal if the victim of this delusion is unable because of it to move beyond his or her craving for alcohol.

In The Doctor's Opinion preface to the 'Big Book' we read: "We believe . . . that the action of alcohol on . . . chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all, and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve." (Emphasis added.)

A true alcoholic addict "can never safely use alcohol in any form at all." The illusion that he or she may once again control and enjoy his drinking has thus got to be thoroughly and wholly smashed. Do not perish under the delusion that you may one day be able to drink again, just like old times. At the end of your active addiction it did not work anymore, nor will it work if you resume where you left off.

The 'second delusion' is set out in the second paragraph of the "More About Alcoholism" chapter. New paragraph; new idea. In it, we read: "We learned that we had to concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." (Emphasis added.)

This 'second delusion' is, as stated above, pertinent to both the first and second halves of Step One. There is an old saying in A.A. that once a cucumber becomes a pickle it can never become a cucumber again. This is illustrated by the story (at pages 32-33) of the man who quit drinking at age thirty, only to retire and commence drinking again at age fifty. Within two months of doing so he was promptly hospitalized for alcoholism. His story illustrates how the physical allergy never goes away and, so it seems, in our experience the untreated obsession for alcohol only grows worse with time and never better.

On a more subtle level, however,  this 'second delusion' speaks to the unmanageability of our lives. "Selfishness" or  "self-centeredness," we read at page 62 of the 'Big Book' "is the root of our troubles." And, we read elsewhere that "the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot." Looking back, each time we came to were we not a little bit more self-absorbed? Was the painful inner dialogue of "self" or the "ego" not a little more strident and painful? After years and years of escaping that painful inner dialogue of self though the bottle (and or drugs), in recovery we are faced with an inner dialogue that is seems to be much, much stronger and more unsettling than it is for the so-called 'normal' person. Does this not resonate with how we know ourselves to be?

In sobriety, desparately trying to 'manage" that which seems to be (and is) unmanageable - i.e., life, all of it - is our inner narrative not so painful that it leads many to try and drown out such thoughts once more with booze and/or drugs? All too often - and sometimes fatally - this seems to be the case.

The 'third delusion' is found after the description of the alcoholic as "an actor" on pages 60 and 61 of the 'Big Book.' In the middle paragraph on page 61, we read: "What is (the alcoholic's) basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satifaction and happiness out of the world if only he manages well?" (Emphasis added.)

Life is inherently unmanageable, we will come to see. Who can immediately change the circumstances that befall him or her? No one, of course. Who can shape how others act and react to their circumstances. Again, the answer is no one. Yet, at a very subtle level, the alcoholic addict still mired in habitual, self-centered alcoholic thinking thinks he can and must somehow control the uncontrollable.

If we can see through the delusion that we can somehow "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of the world" by managing well, we come to the point where we can, effectively and in reality, "turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him." Until we do so, we are left helplessly on our own trying to manage the unmanageable through the application of our self-centered will as best we can. This is the height of the insanity of alcoholism, even in sobriety. It drives many mad unless, and until, it is overcome.

Unless we see through the 'first delusion' we cannot stay sober. Unless we smash the 'second delusion' we may stay sober, but we will remain trapped within the insanity of our old ways of thinking. But once we accept and see through all 'three delusions' we can - and will - be enabled to live in what Bill W. describes as "the Sunlight of the Spirit." We will have recovered from "a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body."

As a Man Thinketh, So Is He

Today's Thought from Hazelden: September 7, 2011

"As we think, so we become."

"We can enrich our interior monologue. We can seek the company of people who inspire us with a loving approach to life. We can absorb the written thoughts of writers who encourage our positive emotions. We can decide to be cheerful and optimistic, just for today."

"Whom would you rather be around - someone who chronically complains and talks about what a mess everything is, or someone who finds joy and delight in watching the antics of two squirrels in a tree? You are your constant companion. Your own company can be a pleasure or a drag, depending on the thoughts and feelings you permit to linger in your consciousness."

"We take Steps Four and Five in order to sort out our thoughts, getting rid of those that depress our spirit. In Step Ten, we continue a daily mental housecleaning so that residues of resentment and discouragement are not allowed to accumulate. Then we go on to Step Eleven for an infusion of the kind of thinking that nurtures the person we want to become."

"Today, I will exercise my freedom of thought."

"As a man thinketh in his heart so is he," observes James Allen in his classic work, "As a Man Thinketh." Taken from Proverbs 23:7, this aphorism may at first be a revelation for persons who believe that they have no control over how and what they think. Experience with taking and sharing a moral inventory, with making amends for wrongs done, and, most importantly, with prayer and meditation shows us that this is just not true.

To affect a conscious contact with the God of our own understanding, requires the disciplining of our consciousness itself, and the experience of millions, inside and outside 12 Step recovery groups, show that this is eminently possible using the methodology of the Steps or other disciplines. (Remember, A.A. and its sister organizations "have no monopoly" on spiritual awakening.)

"Man is made or unmade by himself," Allen points out. "(I)n the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master."

In the "How It Works" reading, we hear, but perhaps overlook, the warning: "Many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." If we are to remain sober and live contented sane lives, we must not only let go of our old ideas, but our entire old way of ego-centric thinking. We must be able to free ourselves from the painful inner dialogue of self-consciousness in order to access the underlying God-consciousness which is the natural basis of our human condition.  And it is by "the right choice and application of thought" that we do so."

Today, have I chosen to let go of the inner dialogue of self in favour of communion with the God of my understanding? Have I taken the quiet time to commune with and rest in the divine? As I go out from my time of quiet meditation will I be attentive to the thoughts of self-consciousness and let them go as they arise? Today, will I manifest the insanity of the ego or will I strive to remain within the sanity of a higher God-consciousness?

The Birth of a Spiritual Experience

Regarding the taking of Step Five, the author of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that it is at this point in our recovery, when we share our moral inventory with another human being and the God of our own understanding, that we really begin to 'experience' the spiritual awakening which will relieve our alcoholism. At page 75 of the 'Big Book,' the author observes:

"We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall away from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. (Emphasis added.)

 For those who may have already experienced a certain grace in their recovery, as well as those who have just doggedly pursued their path of recovery by working the Steps, it is at Step Five, we are told, that our spiritual beliefs (and I would add faith) are turned into a palpable spiritual experience.

Why is this so? I would suggest that before taking Step Five, our minds are awash with the fears, resentments and remorse that characterize the content of the ego, or "self." Afterwards, freed of this mental baggage, we can (as is foretold, above) "be alone at perfect peace and ease." "Peace" and "ease" being the characteristics of the higher, God-consciousness of our authentic "Self," rather than the smaller "self" of merely ego-centric consciousness. It is at this point where "the ideas, emotions and attitudes" which were heretofore the guiding forces of our lives may be "cast to one side" and replaced with "new conceptions and motives." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 27.)

Before Step Five, my resentments, fears, and the remorse I experienced when thinking of past peccadilloes, were wholly my own affair. My greatest hope was that nobody would find out about them, much less confront me with them. After having shared these closely held anguishing thoughts and memories with my sponsor, I gained a certain perspective on my all-too-human condition, and was thus able to move forward to make the amends necessary to solidify my newfound sense of peace and ease.

This is not to say that all resentments, remorse and fear were at once removed, but I became more readily able to see them for what they really are, the thought-stuff of the ego that separates me from everyone and everything. Knowing this, it has become far easier to dismiss such thoughts (and the ensuing emotions they produce) as the merely mental tricks of my smaller self. And, in some instances, the only times when I ever think of certain past actions that once haunted me, it is to help another person struggling with the same levels of shame, remorse, anger and fear that these old thoughts once produced in me.

Step Five was thus, without my knowing it at the time, the beginning of spiritual experience, the beginning of my living - however falteringly and slow - a life of the spirit, rather than a life of mere spiritual belief. And by working the 12 Steps on a daily basis I am enabled to grow within, yet never outgrow, this experience.

Ill-Advised, Yet Effective, Advice: "Don't Drink and Go to Meetings"

To "just keep coming back," to go to "ninety meetings in ninety days," or to simply heed the advice "don't drink and go to meetings" is good, in and of itself, but it is no guarantor that the newcomer to A.A. will survive in sobriety, or stay sober at all. Such well-intentioned advice - dangerous as it is on its face - may, however, backhandedly trigger the presumably intended effect: it may prompt the newcomer to hang around and stay sober long enough to actually take the 12 Steps, if for no other reason than so that he or she may truly feel a part of A.A. And taking the 12 Steps, as so many of us can attest, may save his or her life. The danger, however, lies in giving such seemingly harmless advice to someone who may lackadaisically and discontentedly hang around the A.A. fellowship for years, never really working the A.A. program and never really recovering. He or she, in turn, becomes the person who is most likely to dish out the only partially effective advice above. Worse still, such a "white-knuckler" may actively recruit other disaffected newcomers and actually sponsor them.

"There is a widely held belief in A.A.," writes the author of the "Member's Eye View" pamphlet, "that if a newcomer will simply continue to attend meetings, "Something will finally rub off on you." And the implication, of course, is that the something which rubs off will be (the) so-called miracle of A.A. "

"Now there is no doubt, in my mind," he points out, "that many people in A.A. accept this statement quite literally. I have observed them over the years. They faithfully attend meetings faithfully waiting for "something to rub off." The funny part about it is that "something" is rubbing off on them. Death. They sit there - week after week - while mental, spiritual and physical rigor mortis sets in."

"I believe." he notes, "(that) the real "miracle of A.A.," the "something" that will rub off, we hope, is simply the alcoholic's willingness to act."

"In A.A.," our anonymous reporter explains, "the reporting is clear and unmistakable. "Here are the steps we took," say those who have gone before. The newcomer finally sees that he, too, must take these Steps before he is entitled to report on them. And in an atmosphere where the constant subject is "What I did" and "What I think," no neurotic can long resist the temptation to get in on the action. In an organization whose members are always secretly convinced that they are unique, no neurotic is long going to be contented with a report of what others are doing."

"The 12 Steps are so framed and presented," he points out, "that the alcoholic can either ignore them completely, take them cafeteria-style, or embrace them wholeheartedly. In any case, he can report only on what he has done. Till he does, he knows that he is more a guest at A.A. than a member, and this is a situation that is finally intolerable to the alcoholic. He must take at least some of the Steps or go away. In my opinion, this is the answer to what finally rubs off on the waiting, inactive, hostile A.A. member, and also the answer to why it happens."

"Don't leave before the miracle happens," - another trite saying heard around the rooms of A.A. - may be a more fitting way of putting it; the "miracle" being a willingness to work the Steps and therein find much-needed relief and the common solution to our common problem.

Unlearning Old Ideas and Attitudes

One of the unique, paradoxical aspects of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) is "the reversal of form that A.A.'s educational process takes." As one wizened old-timer demonstrated to me - undoubtedly paraphrasing the "Member's Eye View" pamphlet - there is nothing to learn in A.A., it is a process of unlearning; particularly unlearning our old "ideas, emotions and attitudes" so that new "conceptions and motives" can arise to take their place.

The author of "A Member's Eye View," undoubtedly one of A.A's most helpful pamphlets, puts it this way:

"The newcomer to A.A. is asked, not so much to learn new values, as to unlearn those he comes in with; not so much to adopt new goals, as to abandon old ones."

"To my mind," he notes, "one of the most significant sentences in the entire book "Alcoholics Anonymous" is this: "Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." The rigidity with which even some nondrinking alcoholics will cling to the opinions, beliefs, and convictions they had upon entering A.A. is well-nigh incredible."

"One of the major objectives of A.A. therapy," he points out, "is to help the alcoholic finally recognize these ideas and become willing to relinquish his death grip on them."

It was Albert Einstein who famously said that "we cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them." The newcomer to A.A. is unlikely to stay clean and sober for long unless she is able to find some relief from the punishing self-centered, ego-centric thinking that is the root problem of her alcoholic addiction. It is therefore incumbent upon us to help him or her recognize egoic thinking by sharing our stories about what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now, emphasizing the changes we have experienced mentally and emotionally as we worked the Steps, and perhaps reserving how we have changed spiritually until he or she is convinced we know what we are talking about. Not all alcoholic addicts necessarily drink the same, but certainly they think the same.

The great psychologist, Carl Jung, in explaining to Rolland H. the nature of the spiritual awakening that had periodically worked to relieve the sufferer of his alcoholism, observed:

"Here and there once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 27.]

Now, however, we know that not all such awakenings need be sudden and overwhelming, that they can, in fact, be what William James called awakenings "of the educational variety." Therefore, first and foremost, it is necessary for us to allow the newcomer an opportunity to identify with us, to allow him or her to relate to the way in which we drank, thought and suffered, and then, and only then, to present him or her with the spiritual solution we have found to our drinking (and thinking) problem. After all, "As a man thinketh, so he is."

Stealing a Little Vicarious Pleasure

"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."

"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experiences with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't."

"You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?" If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure that you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 101-102--

Here, Bill W., the principal author of the 'Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, makes not one, but two, important qualifications for the alcoholic addict exposing him or herself to their old stomping grounds, so to speak. First: Is there a legitimate reason for our being at that particular bar, party, reception etc.? And, second: Are we spiritually grounded before we expose ourselves to our old environs? (Remember, as it says on page 85 of the 'Big Book,' "We are never cured of alcoholism. What we have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.")

When reading the caution, above, I am always reminded of Bill's description of the night in Akron when, in desperation and fearing that he was about to succumb and take a drink, he reached out to make contact with the Oxford Group, and to find through them a drunk - who turned out to be Dr. Bob - with whom he could share his story.

Bill often described how he paced the lobby of the Mayflower Hotel, disheartened by a business deal that had for the moment cratered, listening to the sound of laughter and merriment drifting out of the hotel bar. He thought he might have a ginger ale, or perhaps a drink or two; his thinking being that then he would not have to spend a weekend alone with himself and his thoughts of failure and despair. Thankfully, at the other end of the lobby there was a list of local ministers and a payphone he could use to try and do what would eventually become known as "Twelfth Step work." After several dead ends, he connected with a Reverend Tonks, and through him, Henrietta Sieberling, and eventually through her, Dr. Bob. If Bill had succumbed and gone in to the bar, perhaps just to have a ginger ale and "to steal a little vicarious pleasure," I know that my life, and that of millions of others would have been radically different.

I also remember an A.A. acquaintance who had been through the ringer, but was sober a few precious months and was a regular attendee at all our local morning and evening meetings. His name was Al, and he would always say, "I'm still Al, and I'm still an alcoholic!" One morning he confidently shared how after finishing the part-time job he held, he was stopping at the local bar to read his newspaper and have a ginger ale. After the meeting, I shared with him the advice about having a legitimate reason for being in a tavern etc., and how if he was just there to soak up the vibrations, it probably wasn't a good idea. That was the last any of us saw of him. He undoubtedly died drunk, as it was clear that he didn't have another shot left in him.

When I was new in A.A., I was told by the old-timers, "Hang around the barbershop long enough and sooner or later you are going to get a haircut." It's advice well-founded through long experience, and it has served me well for years. I do not shy away from pubs, parties and receptions so long as I'm spiritually fit and have a legitimate reason to be there. But I've found that hanging out at a coffee shop with friends, or going to a meeting, is a far better place "to steal a little vicarious pleasure," or to outright enjoy myself.

Step Three: "As a Man Thinketh"

"The aphorism, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he," not only embraces the whole of a man's being, but is so comprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his life. A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts."

  -- James Allen --    
("As A Man Thinketh")

In the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, we read that its principal author, Bill W., was to "test" his thinking against "God-consciousness," a new state of consciousness and being which is described in the "Spiritual Experience appendix to the 'Big Book' as "an unsuspected inner resource." For, it is only in this higher, deeper (and quieter) consciousness that we are free of the ego's inner dialogue. This, is the essence of turning one's will and one's life over to the care of one's Higher Power.

"I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within," we read. "Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 13.]

This notion of sitting quietly "when in doubt" as to what it is one should say or do (or what one should refrain from saying or doing) is, of course, the very method that is recommended to "practice" Step Three in one's life. And it is how, through the practice of meditation (as well as prayer) that we seek to "improve our conscious contact" with the God of our understanding.

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly," we read in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. "To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.'s Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door."

"Once we have come into agreement with these ideas it is really easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."

[The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 40-41.]

The essence of a spiritual awakening, as Carl Jung describes it on page 27 of the 'Big Book,' is that "ideas, emotions and attitudes" that were the guiding forces of one's life are "cast aside" in favor of "new conceptions and motives." It is through the practice of  sitting quietly in meditation that we begin to "uncover, discover and discard" (in the words of the inimitable Chuck c.) the thoughts ("ideas"), feelings ("emotions") and thought patterns ("attitudes") that separate us from God-consciousness. It is by stopping and seeking God-consciousness in the midst of indecision and emotional disturbance that we hone our character and begin ridding ourselves of our character defects.

One of the books used by Doctor Bob, Bill W. and other early members of A.A. was the slim volume, "As a Man Thinketh" by the English "New Thought" writer, James Allen. In it, he observes:

"Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascends to the divine perfection. By the abuse and wrong application of thought he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master."

(A copy of "As a Man Thinketh" is available, here.)

Through the consistent and continual practice of self examination, meditation and prayer, we become aware of what our thoughts are, and what emotions those thoughts spark. We also become attuned to the habitual way that we think - usually an uncomfortable realization for a newcomer to meditation. By recurrence to the state of God-consciousness, where the raucous voice of the ego is momentarily stilled, we can (as Allen notes) through "right choice and true application of thought" begin the ascent towards "divine perfection." Or, by acting indecisively and in the throes of emotional disturbance, we can again descend into, and reinforce, our egoic way of thinking and acting.

The 12 Steps are designed to help us make that choice and identification. They deliver us, as earnest application of Step Three and the Serenity Prayer will prove, "the serenity" of God-consciousness, if we have "the courage" to go beyond the ego, and we have "the wisdom" to differentiate the raucous voice of the small "self" from the peaceful and quiet consciousness of the higher "Self," or God.

Step Six: Aiming at Perfection

"We aim at perfection," my sponsor often says, "knowing that we are going to fall short." This, of course, is the gist of the message in the Step Six essay in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, which helps us examine if we are "entirely ready" to have all of our character defects removed by the God of our understanding.

Step Six, in essence, asks whether we are ready to lead a wholly spiritual life - a decision that is difficult for all of us.

"(I)t seems plain," we read, "that few of us can quickly or easily become ready to aim at spiritual and moral perfection; we want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life, according, of course, to our various and sundry ideas of what will get us by."

 Accordingly, "the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God," is a mark of whether we are "entirely ready" to have our character defects removed through our efforts and with the grace of God. "The key words "entirely ready" underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn," Bill notes.

The difficulty with Step Six, it seems, is that when we honestly look at ourselves, we see that we are almost wholly reliant upon our habitual attitudes to get by, and to "manage" our lives and our interactions with others. Is there much difference between the man who projects a surly and -ill-tempered persona to keep other people walking on eggshells, and the beautiful woman who is alternatively flirtatious and coy in order to get her way with others? And what about the person who projects the image of being meek, mild and deferential? All these, and so many other roles we play, are the stuff of the tragedies and comedies of all ages.

Taking Step Six means that we become ready to drop these false personae and, with faith, allow our true "selves" to emerge from the shadows cast by the false egos we have habitually presented to the world. It is when we becoming willing to take what seems to be a huge risk in presenting our real character, that we embrace the aid and assistance of a Power greater than our small, self-cenetered egos. "This," we read, "is the exact point at which we abandon limited objectives, and move toward God's will for us." But we do not do so alone.

"Draw near to God," we read in the Scriptures, "and God will draw near to you." (James 1:8) As the great American Transcendentalist, Ralph Waldo Emerson observed:

"This intuition of the moral sentiment is an insight of the perfection of the laws of the soul. These laws execute themselves. They are out of time, out of space and not subject to circumstance. Thus in the soul of man there is a justice whose retributions are instant and entire. He who does a good deed is instantly ennobled. He who does a mean deed is by the action itself contradicted."

"If a man is at heart just, then in so far is he God; the safety of God, the immortality of God, the majesty of God do enter into that man with justice. If a man dissemble, deceive, he deceives himself, and goes out of acquaintance with his own being. A man in the view of absolute goodness, adores, with total humility. Every step so downward, is a step upward. The man who renounces himself, comes to himself.

"All things," Emerson observes, "proceed out of the same spirit, and all things conspire with it. Whilst a man seeks good ends, he is strong by the whole strength of nature. In so far as he roves from these ends, he bereaves himself of power, or auxiliaries; his being shrinks out of all remote channels, he becomes less and less, a mote, a point, until absolute badness is absolute death."

"The perception of this law of laws," Emerson suggests, "awakens in the mind a sentiment which we call the religious sentiment, and which makes our highest happiness. Wonderful is its power to charm and to command. It is mountain air."

["The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson," Modern Library Classics, pp. 64-65.]

"(A) blufffing of oneself will have to go the way of many another pleasant rationalization," we read in the Step Six essay. "At the very least, we shall have to come to grips with some of our worst character defects and take action toward their removal as quickly as we can." And it is Step Six which "is the exact point at which we abandon (such) limited objectives, and move toward God's will for us."

Do Not Simply "Think! Think! Think!"

After the description of the "real alcoholic" in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, we read that, "the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than in his body."

Is this true? One way of diagnosing the reality of this statement is to take "The Johns Hopkins Twenty Questions: Are You An Alcoholic?" test that was developed in the 1930s by Dr. Robert Seliger, a faculty member in the Department of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins Hospital, and substituting the word "thinking" for the word "drinking." (The "Twenty Questions" are often found at AA meetings in pamphlet form, published and distributed by various Intergroup and Local Committees.)

Ready? Don't think too hard about it!

Here goes:

1. Do you lose time from work due to your thinking?
2. Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you think because you are shy with other people?
4. Is thinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your thinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when thinking?
8. Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
10. Do you crave a think at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want to think the next morning?
12. Does thinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
14. Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you think to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you think alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your thinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for thinking?
19. Do you think to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of thinking?

• If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may have an alcoholic mind.
• If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you have an alcoholic mind. 
• If you have answered YES to three or more, you definitely have an alcoholic mind. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If your answers are in any way similar to mine, you have likely proved to yourself that you have an alcoholic mind. This need be neither alarming nor disheartening, because as you go through the 'Big Book' you will repeatedly see that various manifestations of "self" (i.e., the human ego) are the "basic root of our troubles." ('Big Book,' page 62.)

Moreover, you will find that there is an inner spiritual solution to the basic mental problem of the seemingly ever-present and  insipid "self" consciousness and the destructive drinking that ensues from it. You will find that there is also within you, a higher level of consciousness that is the essence of a Power greater than your "self" that will enable you not only to stop drinking, but to lead a happy and productive life, whatever life circumstances are presented to you.

In the "Spiritual Appendix" to the 'Big Book' (Appendix Two), which was included in the 2nd Edition of the 'Big Book' when there were approximately 150,000 members of Alcoholics Anonymous you will read that: "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

"Most of us," it continues, "think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it God-consciousness."

Our problem - the human ego and its egoic self-consciousness - is a common human dilemma, which the alcoholic addict tries to snuff out by drinking, unlike the non-alcoholic who copes as best he or she can with the suffering caused by the ego. When alcohol (and/or drugs) fails to squelch the punishing inner dialogue of thought, the alcoholic addict has neither a choice in drinking and/or drugging, nor a solution for the suffering caused by his or her thinking. It is then, if he or she is willing to admit to their "innermost self" powerlessness over booze (and/or drugs) and the inability to "manage" life in order to continue, that recovery from alcoholic addiction becomes possible. He or she is then ready to begin the inner journey to a consciousness of Wholeness that will expel the mental obsession to continue drinking and/or using.

Through the process of examining one's "self" (i.e., learning to become conscious of one's egoic self-conscious thinking), practicing meditation and utilizing prayer to expand the depth of one's consciousness and being, one becomes aware of a higher level of consciousness that is available beyond the ordinary arena of one's compulsive and obsessive stream of thought. Think - or, rather, don't think - about that possibility! And do not, simply "Think! Think! Think!"

On Humility and Ego

"The average man is not humble; he may appear to be so, but inwardly he sets up mental resistance and barriers, and builds walls of prejudice against the truth. Humility consists in having a perfectly open mind, as though you were a new-born, and being able to receive with complete faith not only the words of those who know, but that which is still more important, that which is behind words, which is Spirit."

[Paul Brunton, "Discover Yourself," p. 68.]

The most leveling, the most humbling experience when we undertake the work of recovery - once we have admitted that life was is and will remain unmanageable -  is most typically taking and sharing a moral inventory.

Yet it is only through this process of self-scrutiny, and sharing its result with another person, that we can begin to deconstruct the root of our difficulty - egoism. We face who we are in front of the God of our own understanding and another person so that we no longer have to keep up the false pretenses we have been living our lives under

"More than most people," we read, "the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 73.]

In the "Co-Founders" pamphlet, Dr. Bob relates how at the very beginning of A.A., when it was just Bill, Bob and Bob's wife, Anne, sitting around their kitchen table in Akron, they found inspiration from the Bible, with the "Beatitudes," I Corinthians 13, and the Book of James being "absolutely essential" as they tried to carve out a life of sobriety and spiritual growth.

"A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways," we read in the Book of James, (James 1:8). Yet, further on, we also find an answer to the double life that we have been leading. "Draw near to God, and God will draw near to you," we read. "Wash clean your hands ye sinners; purify your hearts, ye double minded." (James 4:8).

These passages speak to the process of self-examination that we must go through before we can rid ourselves of the memories, fears and old ideas that are the raw fuel of the ego, the mental clutter which keep us separated and apart from both God and our fellow man.

How can I establish and then improve my conscious contact with a Power greater than my "self," if I am wholly caught up in the self-centeredness of egoic thinking? At that point, when haunted by what lurks in the dark crevasses of my lonely and separated ego, I have conscious contact only with my self and my old ideas and distorted memories.

Being honest, many of us were told, means we no longer have to remember the story. Being truly humbled, I would add, means we never have to remember who to be in any given situation. In this way, and this way only,  can we truly develop and foster a truly "open mind" cleansed from all the "calamity, pomp and worship of other things" that have separated us from our fellow beings and from the perhaps unsuspected Spirit we all have deep down within us.

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55.]

The Use of Will Power and a Higher Power

An alcoholic addict who has progressed beyond a certain point in his or her addiction loses all will-power and cannot, it seems, stop and remain abstinent on their own. This loss of the power of the unaided will - which may remain effective with respect to other areas of his or her life, but is wholly non-existent when it comes to drinking and drugging - is the essence of alcoholic addiction.

The 'Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous states this plainly in the following paragraph (which is italicized in the 'Big Book' in order to emphasize its importance):

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 24.]

Our being "without defense" against that first drink or hit of a drug, means that we cannot safely rely upon our ordinary will power, nor on all that we have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous (or any of its sister organizations). At such times, we need to be able to effect and maintain a conscious contact with "a Power greater than ourselves" in order not to act on the self-will that tells us it is okay to start the party rolling again. We must be able to attain to the higher part of our consciousness (what the more religious members of A.A. call "God-consciousness), and make our decisions about what to do from that level of consciousness, where the stressors and thoughts that lead us to want to drink and/or drug are absent. Without such conscious contact, we are "without defense," and we may well drink and/or drug again.

To admit just how powerless and defenseless we remain over alcohol initially goes against all we are taught.

Advertising makes it clear that we should: "Be an army of one! Take a licking and keep on ticking! Just do it!" Poor Charlie Brown tells himself, yet again, "You can do anything, as long as your grit your teeth!" Yet inevitably, time after time, Lucy pulls the football away just as he is about to kick it.

Thus, at page 22 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we read:

"When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted. We had approached A.A. expecting to be taught self-confidence. Then we had been told that so far as alcohol was concerned, self-confidence was no good whatever; in fact, it was a total liability. There was no such thing as personal conquest of the alcoholic compulsion by the unaided will."

So where, then, do we turn for someone or something to 'aid' our will power in order that we have a defense against the first drink or impulse to drug? The answer is that we turn to a Power greater than our unaided 'self,' to the "God of our own understanding," or to "the Great Reality deep down within us," which is discussed on page 55 of the 'Big Book.'

It is not that our will power is no good whatsoever. Quite the contrary. Rather, it is when we rely solely on the will power summoned by our ordinary egoic 'self'-consciousness that we are vulnerable. When we rely on the power of a will that has effectively been turned over to the care of a Power greater than our 'selves,' we become invested with a defense, and are no longer 'powerless' in the way we were when we were all on our own. Thus, in the Step Three essay in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we read:

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of will power. We had tried to bombard our problem with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A.'s Twelve Steps."

It is not that our will power is, per se, defective and thereby of no use in avoiding picking up a drink or taking a hit off of a crack pipe etc. It is trusting and acting only on the power of will that is based on our egoic, self-centered, self-consciousness thinking which provides us with "no defense." When we utilize our will power based upon and grounded in our higher, God-centered consciousness, we have an effective defense.

Therefore, just as alcoholism and addiction is progressive and fatal, so too we must seek - on a daily basis, and through meditation and prayer - to "improve our conscious contact with God." The secret to attaining and maintaining recovery from alcoholic addiction is, thus, a matter of changing (one day at a time) the ordinary state of our consciousness and being.

Resentment: Digging One's Own Grave One 'Old Idea' at a Time

Resentment  (or 're-sentiment') is to experience all over again the feelings of anger  - towards someone, something, or some situation  - that we once felt in the past each time that we think such "old ideas" anew.  It is, we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, the "number one" offender, and that "(i)t destroys more alcoholics than anything else," and that "(f)rom it stem all forms of spiritual disease."

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics, these things are poison."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 66.]

At the beginning of the "How It Works" chapter of the 'Big Book,' we read that "many of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." We cannot afford, it seems, to entertain (or hold onto) the old ideas about people, things or circumstances that still anger us. That may well be the "dubious luxury" of so-called normal people, but nothing will change for the alcoholic addict in recovery unless he or she at least tries to get rid of such old ideas. That is what Steps 4 through Step 9 are specifically designed to do.

It has been said that anger is a corrosive acid that eats away the container that holds it from the inside out. In Steps Four through Step Nine, we list discuss, forgive and make restitution in order to get rid of, or at least neutralize, those corrosive old ideas that continue to crop up as a large part of the painful inner dialogue that is our ordinary 'self' consciousness or 'ego'.

In describing the type of vital spiritual experience that can enable alcoholics to attain and maintain sobriety, Carl Jung noted that "ideas, emotions and attitudes" that are the "guiding forces" of the alcoholic addict are "cast aside." The thoughts of past, future or imagined wrongs that a person, place or circumstance brings to mind are old 'ideas'. The resentments (or 're-sentiments')  are old 'emotions'. And, our vengeful and obsessive thought patterns that are shot through with righteous (or supposedly righteous) indignation are old ''attitudes. We must be free of all these if we are to lead a spiritually awakened life.

"If a man goes out seeking revenge," the Daoists said, "he had better dig two graves." For us, to mentally turn the thoughts of what and who has offended us over and over again in the mind is to seek revenge, if only mentally. If we continue to do so instead of forgiving and making whatever restitution might be necessary to get rid of such old ideas emotions and attitudes, we are obsessively digging and perfecting that second grave.

Thus, revenge, even the imagined mental revenge that we mental 'blowhards' are prone to obsess over, is therefore not a dish best served cold, but a dish not served (or even prepared) at all. Resentments can and have killed many an alcoholic addict.

Stuck 'In a Rut' of Old Ideas, Emotions and Attitudes

Most of us have, at some time or other, been 'in a rut' in our sobriety. Going to meetings reluctantly and critically, not going to meetings, sober and self-satisfied with merely being sober, entertaining old ideas, we can go on day by day spinning our wheels spiritually, and thus digging ourselves a deeper rut.

In various stages of my early and middle sobriety I have been guilty of all of these "half-measures" and have suffered (and inflicted suffering on others, including those I love the most) as a result.

Indeed, looking back, I came very close to both drinking and drugging, as well as dieing, as a result of being in various of these 'ruts.' For as the novelist, Ellen Glasgow observed, "The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."

At such times, it is essential to remember the first, most important, and ultimate lesson about recovery from an alcoholic addiction, the message that Carl Jung passed on to his one-time patient, a "certain American businessman," named Rolland Hazard:

"Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding force of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

["Alcoholics Anonymous," page 27. Emphasis added.]

Hazard would pass this message on to Ebby Thatcher, who would come to be the sponsor of a then-drunk named Bill Wilson. Bill, in turn, would have just such a "vital spiritual experience," and would pass the message of his experience on to A.A. co-founder, Dr. Bob, and together they would carry this message to the world.

Thus, the question to ask for the sufferer stuck in his or her 'rut,' is whether their spirtual experience remains "vital" Is it "essential to (their) existing or functioning," "indisspensable" or "paramount" to use just a few simple dictionary definitions of "vital"?  If the sufferer is no longer "full of life or activity" and "lively" - to utilize another definition - the chances are he or she has slipped back into a 'rut' filled with old thoughts, feelings, and ways of thinking, and that he or she has once again picked up the old "ideas, emotions and attitudes," which had once been cast aside.

Remember: the only 'absolute' that is mentioned in the first 164 pages of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous comes in the "How It Works" reading, taken from the fifth chapter of the 'Big Book.' In it, we read: "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

The initials 'A.A.' have often been said to stand for an "attitude adjustment," and, quite simply, an "attitude" is defined as "a setttled opinion or way of thinking," as well as "behaviour reflecting this." When we become judgmental about what is being said in a meeting, about how others are driving in traffic, about the words and actions of our loved ones or perfect strangers, it is a sure sign that our old "attitudes" or ways of thinking have returned - along with our old "ideas" - and that we are holding on to them.

And the result will be nil - we will be just as "irritable, restless and discontented" as any other alcoholic addict not drinking or drugging - until we again try to let go of such "old ideas."

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels," we are warned, and "(w)e are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85.]

A large part of that "daily maintenance" - referred to in Step 11 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as "self-examination" - is guarding against letting "old ideas" fester in our consciousness. And let's face it, the longer one is sober, the quicker the ideas we mull over in our mind become "old."

"Old ideas" are like Wrigley's chewing gum. Chew on them for a while, but they quickly lose their taste and appeal, and its then time to spit them out, not swallow them. Prayer and meditation make that possible.