Reducing Ego at Depth through Accurate Self-Survey

Why the necessity of taking both an initial and a continuing moral inventory? Principally, it is because we manufacture our own troubles and problems. "They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so." Indeed, the troubles and problems of most individuals - alcoholic addicts and so-called "normal" people alike - are mostly self-manufactured.

"It is a man's own internal defects which often contrive against him and which show their faces in many of the external troubles that beset him," observes philosopher and spiritual sage, Paul Brunton. "Yet it is hard for him to accept this truth because his whole life-habit is to look outwards to construct defensive alibis rather than to engage in censorious self-inquisition."

[Brunton, "The Notebooks of Paul Brunton," Vol. 1, p. 137.]

Does this sound familiar?

"(T)he aspirant who is really earnest about the (spiritual) quest," observes Brunton, "should develop the attitude that his personal misfortunes, troubles and disappointments must be traced back to his own weaknesses, defects, faults, deficiencies and indisciplines. Let him not blame them on other persons or on fate. In this way he will make the quickest progress whereas by self-defending, or self-justifying, or self-pitying apportionment of blame to causes outside himself, he will delay or prevent it. For the one means clinging to the ego, the other means giving it up. Nothing is to be gained by such flattering self-deception while much may be lost by it." (Emphasis added.)

"Selfishness - self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later place us in a position to be hurt."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62.]

Even for the non-alcoholic to make significant spiritual progress, he or she must first practice a rigorous self-survey, according to Brunton, not seeking to blame others, but instead facing how his or her troubles originate in the egoic, self and its distorted perceptions of the world and other people.

"He must bring himself to admit frankly that he himself is the primary cause of most of his ills, as well as the secondary cause of some of the ills of others. He must recognize that the emotions of resentment, anger, self-pity, or despondency are often engendered by a wounded ego. Instead of reviling fate at each unfortunate event, he should ananlyse his moral and mental make-up and look for the weaknesses which led to it. He will gain more in the end by mercilessly accusing his own stubbornness in pursuing wrong courses than by taking shelter in alibis that censure other people. Like a stone in a shoe which he stubbornly refuses to remove, the fault still remains in his character when he stubbornly insists on blaming things or condemning people for it. In this event, the chance to eliminate it is lost, and the same dire consequences may repeat themselves in his life again.

[Brunton, supra.]

For those who have done multiple Fourth Step and Tenth Step inventories, and particularly for those who have been on the receiving end of another alcoholic addict sharing his or her Fifth Step, it soon becomes clear just how universal and impersonal the human ego is. Indeed, it can rightly be portrayed as a "false self" - an attitude and identity that is manufactured and/or adopted rather than developed organically. It is only by painful yet accurate self-survey that we may confront and overcome both the supposed "realities" the ego presents to us, and the power its distorted way of "seeing" things holds over us.

"The faith of the lower ego in itself and the strength with which it clings to its own standpoint are almost terrifying to contemplate," Brunton observes. "The (spiritual) aspirant is often unconscious of its selfishness. But if he can desert its standpoint, he shall see that his miserable fate derives largely from his own miserable faults. He is naturally unwilling (at first) to open his eyes to his own deficiencies and faults, his little weaknesses and large maladjustments. So suffering comes to open his eyes for him, to shock and shame him into belated awareness and eventual amendment."

"But quite apart from its unfortunate results in personal fortunes, whenever the aspirant persists in taking the lower ego's side," Brunton notes, "he merely displays a stubborn resolve to hinder his own spiritual development. Behind a self-deceiving facade of pretexts, excuses, alibis and rationalizations, the ego is forever seeking to gratify its unworthy feelings or to defend them. . . . The aspirant must choose between denying his ego's aggressiveness or asserting it. The distance to be mentally travelled between these two steps is so long and so painful that it is understandable why few will ever finish it. It is only the exceptional student who will frankly admit his faults and earnestly work to correct them. It is only he whose self-criticizing detachment can gain the upper hand, who can also gain philosophy's highest prize."

[Brunton, supra.]

Remember! "At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58.]

Thus, despite the oft-time bitter and painful nature of radical self-survey, those who persist in taking a fearless and thorough moral inventory are those who overcome the egoic self, and those for whom the full promises of Alcoholics Anonymous become a reality. Beyond the ego, lies true emotional sobriety.

Step Ten: A 'Continuous' Moral Inventory

Step Ten suggests that "we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along." In The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions both a "spot-check" and a "nightly inventory" are suggested. However, my sponsor, who has spent three-quarters of his life working this program of recovery, suggests that this be a "continuous" inventory, rather than a once a day thing. After all, once we "have entered the world of the Spirit" it becomes immediately clear and evident when we have done or said something (or have omitted doing or saying something) that puts us add odds with the spiritual principles and locks us right back into the bondage of self. And, as John Lennon, famously put it: "Instant karma's gonna get you." That is, right away we feel the results of our misdirected actions.

The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, indeed, recognizes that "(a) continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us," particularly if we are to avoid the crippling and dangerous "emotional hangovers" that are "the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion - anger, fear, jealousy and the like."

"It is a spiritual axiom," we are told, "that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." And, thus, it is up to us to recognize where we have been wrong and to make what restitution we can - as soon as we become aware of the errors in our thinking and actions - if we are to restore our consciousness and being to the emotional sobriety of the spiritual plane as soon as possible.

[The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 88-90.]

Otherwise, "instant karma" is sure to get you!

Overcoming the Suffering of the "Self"

"Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric. . . "
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 61.

How do we overcome the suffering caused by the ego, or small "self"? Over and over the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that the root cause of alcoholic addiction is "self" - a.k.a. the human "ego." Specifically we are told:

Selfishness - self centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. . . . So our troubles we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! (Emphasis added.)

God helps us to get rid of our "self" centeredness and all its manifestations we are immediately told, and working through the 12 Steps helps us to do that - to "deflate ego" in depth. Having done the work, how then can we continue to work on keeping the voice of the ego - "self" - in check? Fortunately, A.A. has "no monopoly" on this process of "self-forgetting." And all of the world's great wisdom traditions speak to this.

Thich Nhat Hahn

Thich Nhat Hahn, a renowned Buddhist monk from Vietnam (who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King Jr.), has written a small book, "Beyond the Self," that fits easily into one's pocket or purse. In it he examines the three mechanisms that help to drive the ego: ignorance, anger and lust. Of these, perhaps our ignorance of what "self" is, and how the "ego" operates, is probably our biggest barrier to allowing "a Power greater than ourselves" into our life and being, in order that this might surplant the raucous, painful and fear-based inner dialogue of the "ego" which drives us so blindly.

"Buddha," Thich Nhat Hahn notes, explains that "ignorance gives rise to impulses." It is our job to refrain from acting on our "self-centered" impulses. Hahn recommends "mindfulness" as a means to doing so, a practice that is an integral part of the continuing mental inventory of our thoughts and actions that we take in Step Ten. It is pretty well equivalent to what Bill W. means by "self-examination."

"Ignorance," Thich Nhat Hahn observes, "means that we don't understand what is happening, so we behave in a certain way. If we are able to see clearly we will behave differently. Each one of us is caught, to a larger or smaller extent, in our emotions, in our difficulties, and in our experiences of suffering in the past. Because we're caught, we repeat the same suffering over and over again. We have a habit energy of reacting to circumstances in a rote way."

Or, as it says in the "How It Works" reading: "Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." Nil, nada, nothing! As one wizened old-timer pointed out to me, that is the only "absolute" that we find in the first part of the Big Book. He told me (and rightly so, I believe) that, "there is nothing to learn in A.A. It is a process of 'unlearning." It is a process of letting go of our "old" ideas and unlearning our "attitudes," which is defined in my dictionary (the "O.E.D.") as "a settled opinion or way of thinking," i.e., our "habit" of thought. And, God only knows how much an alcoholic addict loves and clings onto his or her habits!

So how do we let go of old ideas and habitual thought patterns? If we have completed the Steps we turn to Step Three . . .  if not, we pick up a pen and paper and begin working on Step Four. Assuming we are working Step Three, every time we don't know what to do, or our thoughts are running wild and we are feeling "emotionally disturbed," we are told to stop, pause and, from the quiet within us, say the Serenity Prayer.

In a very real sense, this is the practice of "mindfulness," a concept or practice that is increasingly understood and used in the West, but which is essentially and originally an Eastern (particularly Buddhist) term and methodology. "Mindfulness" is, to my mind at least, the result of the interwoven and logically interrelated practices of "self-examination, meditation and prayer;" what Bill describes  in Step Eleven of the "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," as "an unshakeable foundation."

Thich Nhat Hahn then further illustrates how we are habitually driven by our old ideas and ways of thinking, and describes how "mindfulness" can relieve us of this "bondage of self."

"Our habit energy is what causes us to repeat the same behaviour thousands of time. Habit energy pushes us to run, to always be doing something, to be lost in thoughts of the past or the future and to blame others for our suffering. And that energy does not allow us to be peaceful and happy in the present moment."

"The practice of mindfulness helps us to recognize that habitual energy. Every time we can recognize the habit energy in us, we are able to stop and to enjoy the present moment. The energy of mindfullness is the best energy to help us embrace our habit of energy and transform it."

 In a very real sense, practicing "mindfulness" is our practicing the 'presence of God' in our lives; a practice that asks us not to conform to, or change the world, but rather to recover and to be "transformed" by the "renewal" of our minds. (Romans 12:2)

(Excerpts are from Thich Nhat Hahn, "Beyond the Self: Teachings on the Middle Way," Parallax Press, Berkeley CA: 2010)

Three Paths: Self-Examination, Meditation and Prayer

As alcoholic addicts "in recovery" we are blessed people. Most addicts will die without ever knowing recovery . . . perhaps without knowing, or believing, there is such a thing as recovery. Many friends we ran with are already gone. And, even most the so-called "normal" people will go their own graves questioning if there is such a thing as God . . . or, worse yet, 'bargaining' with him. Very few will awaken to the reality that underneath their ordinary ego-consciousness lies the Infinite and the Divine.

"For the most of us the secret of man still remains to be mastered. What has lain dark in the earlier centuries remains unrevealed. . . . The majority of men will die without caring and without knowing whether man has something divine in him or is a mere skin-bag of flesh, blood, bones nerves and muscles. They are strangers to their own selves.
          (Paul Brunton, "Discover Yourself," page 133.)

However, to reap the blessings that recovery offers, it is essential that we work to attain the higher levels of "God-consciousness" that are available within us. The 12 Steps require a concerted and daily practice of prayer, meditation and self-examination to do so.

While prayer - like self-examination and, particularly, meditation - is 'good in and of itself' and "can bring much relief and benefit," It is when meditation, self-examination and prayer "are logically related and interwoven" that they provide us with "an unshakeable foundation for living." ("Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," page 98.) We begin the process of "self-examination" by writing out a 4th Step moral inventory, and continue to (or continuously) take a "fearless moral inventory" through application of Step 10. In Step 11, both prayer and meditation are required.

Meditation without prayer is mute; prayer without meditation is deaf; either, without an initial and continuing self-examination, are bound to fall short of providing a sane, happy and purposeful life, as one will basically be talking and listening to one's "self."

Without consistent and persistent "self-examination, we are blinded to the spiritual reality that we are far greater than, and separate from, that "painful inner dialogue" of our egoic "self." If we are to establish and build a channel to our higher consciousness (or "God-consciousness," as the more religious call this inner resource), we need to discipline our apparent "self" so that it may be "reduced at depth."

Remember the cautionary warning we are given in Step Three of the "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," pp. 39-40: "More sobriety brought about by the admission of alcoholism and by attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed, but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a happy and contented life."

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Those who work through - and then work on - the 12 Steps are offered a gift that is rare, and perhaps rarer still in the world outside of meetings and our circles of friendships. As Swami Vivikenanda, one of the first and great Eastern spiritual teachers to visit the West in the early 1900s, observed:

" . . . (N)ot one in a million can think of anything other than phenomena. To the vast majority of men nature appears to be only a changing, whirling, combining mingling mass of change. Few of us ever have a glimpse of the calm sea beneath."

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The alcoholic addict in recovery is truly a blessed person . . . and all our suffering was just a blessing we could not see at the time!