Expectations, Anger and Resentments

Anger and fear - in fact all my character defects - seem to be inversely proportional to the expectations I have for myself, for others, and for life in general. In this, I do not think I am alone.

My egoic thinking has constant expectations about how circumstances should and will unfold, despite a lifetime of experience to the contrary; and my self-centered, egoic thoughts about what I am convinced is happening, or is about to happen, give rise to the emotional upheavals characteristic of my defects of character. Thus it is the thoughts of the ego that lead to the feelings of restlessness, irritability and discontent that characterize the alcoholic addict in the throes of his or her disease.

It is precisely to the extent that I continue to identify with my ego, or smaller "self," and thereby continue to harbour such expectations, that I suffer. And if such thinking persists over time, fears grow into phobias, desires grow into entitlements, and anger turns into seething resentments. If I am to be free, I must be free of this selfish, self-centered egoic thinking that is the root of all my problems.

But how is such a shift in the focus of my thinking to come about? First, by truly admitting that life is unmanagable by any individual. Second, by truly turning my will and life over to the care of God, and leaving it there. And, third, by accepting that life is unfolding exactly the way in which it is. For, as the emperor-philosopher Marcus Aurelius observed: "To argue with what is is insanity; and yet, the thoughtless can seldom refrain from doing so."

It is precisely at this point that the well-known passage on "acceptance" is invaluable.

"(A)cceptance," we read, "is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., p. 417.]

Acceptance of life on life's terms is thus directly proportional to my serenity and peace of mind, just as my expectations are inversely proportional to my egoic, self-centered malaise. Therefore, the old question arises: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" What will I strive for acceptance, or the fulfillment of my expectations?

The answer should be clear to anyone who has long suffered the unchecked turmoil of his or her character defects. Acceptance, brings the freedom, hope and love which is the grace of God; expectations breed the anger and despair which is "the bondage of self."

On Restlessness

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." 

-- Dr. William D. Silkworth, M.D. --
(Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. xxviii-xxix)

 Restlessness is the state of mind of the alcoholic addict when he or she is not drinking. The inner dialogue of the entirely self-conscious mind jumps from calamity to imagined calamity, from this desire to that desire, and from this memory to that fear continually. As a result, the alcoholic addict - clean and sober for the moment - is acutely self-conscious, and is irritable and discontented with the state of his or her being and lot in life. And, unless he or she "can experience an entire psychic change" there is but small chance of his or her recovery.

In this, he or she is not alone. There are multitudes of so-called "ordinary" people who go through life in just the same manner - irritable, restless and discontented during the largest part of their waking day - but without the physical, addictive craving for alcohol or more drugs once some is ingested, it is unlikely that they will ever fall into alcoholic addiction. Most of these non-alcoholic types could perhaps use a drink or two to get over their all-too-common restlessness and discomfort. More aptly, they too require a psychic change, and not a mere expedient, if they are to live a happy and contented life.  The alcoholic addict, by way of contrast, and absent an entire psychic change, will remain addicted to that expedient.

This basic human problem is recognized in the Bhagavad Gita, a discourse between Arjuna, a highly developed warrior, and the self-realized master, Krishna, who acts as his charioteer.

"Thou hast told me of a Yoga of constant oneness, O Krishna," Arjuna says, "of a communion which is ever one. But, Krishna, the mind is inconstant; in its restlessness I cannot find rest. The mind is restless Krishna, impetuous, self-willed, hard to train: to master my mind seems as difficult to master as the mighty winds."

"The mind is indeed restless, Arjuna," Krishna replies, "it is indeed hard to train. But by constant practice and by freedom from passions the mind in truth can be trained. When the mind is not in harmony, this divine communion is hard to attain; but the man whose mind is in harmony attains it, if he knows and strives for it."

[Bhagavad Gita, 6:33-36]

Thus, Krishna affirms to Arjuna that the basic nature of the unawakened mind is restlessness. but he recognizes also that the mind can be trained through "constant practice and by (a) freedom from the passions" in order that it may be harmonized.

It is precisely this basic retraining of the mind in order to precipitate an "entire psychic change" that the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) are designed to fulfill.

At page 27 of Alcoholics Anonymous, the great Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, describes the "huge emotional displacements and rearrangements" that have been know to effectively treat alcoholism in the following way: "Ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side and an entirely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

Absent such a psychic change, the restless, egoic and wholly self-conscious mind is dominated by seeming "calamity, pomp and worship of other things." This inner narrative blocks off all possibilities of a higher, dilated consciousness in which the alcoholic addict can effect a contact with a Power greater than his or her "self," or, if you prefer, a conscious contact with God.

Thus, the uncontrollable consumption of drugs and alcohol can truly be said to be a mere "symptom" of a far greater underlying condition - the ordinary, restlessness of the human ego. And until, that restlessness is abated, there can be little hope for "permanent sobriety, and a contented and useful life."
Working the Twelve Steps is one methodology - "we have no monopoly" - to bring about the necessary psychic change, in this instance via a spiritual awakening from within.

Restless, Irritable and Discontented . . . "Who Me?"

Once again the topic of "Irritability, Restlessness and Discontent" - the base state of the alcoholic without alcohol or drugs in his/her system - whether still in 'active addiction, or in 'inactive yet untreated' alcoholic addiction (i.e., "dry" sobriety) - came up for discussion at our local discussion meeting. The topic comes from an oft-recited passage from the "Doctor's Opinion" in the introductory section of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. It reads:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

("Alcoholics Anonymous," pp. xxviii-xxix.)

In Doctor Silkworth's opinion, this is what keeps drunks picking up "that first drink" (and it is not uncoincidentally, and most often simultaneously, what incites the addict to pick up his pipe or his pills). We like the effect that drink and/or drugs has on us. Without this effect we are, quite literally, 'out of our minds' with a mental restlessness that produces great feelings of irritability and profound discontent. Yet, unless our thinking and attitudes have changed dramatically we have only one solution to this condition . . . and that is to use again.

Most alcoholic addicts continue on this treadmill until it kills them, often after years of great suffering, perhaps with intermittent years "coming in and out" of church basement's where recovery from alcoholic addiction is discussed but not experienced by them. Yet, for some, they experience "an entire psychic change" that allows them to keep their fatal maladay in remission, based upon their attaining and maintaining a certain "spiritual attitude."

But what about the alcoholic addict who has put the bottle and the bag down and is "white knuckling" it? Or, the reformed alkie-addict that has years of not drinking or drugging under his or her belt, has settled for a form of milquetoast sobriety while enjoying the benefits of a chemically sober life, but has settled into a far less purposeful and contented life than is readily possible?

What about the person who remains "restless, irritable and discontent" for years into sobriety, whether this is the result of a lack of true understanding or good sponsorship, an aversion to working the steps or plain old procrastination and laziness, or because he or she has hurriedly dumped all the obsessions of the self-driven mind into their "performance" in another area of life, such as work, physical fitness, or making a lot of meetings just for the sake of the brief respite of Fellowship and "prestige" they might offer?

Let's look at the so-called normal person. Do they not appear to be similarly prone to the same irritability, restlessness and discontent which can become rampant within the rooms of any 12 Step group? Consider the husband and wife who snipe at each other, or the person who tailgates you on the freeway until finally he can zoom past you at twice the speed limit while talking on his cell phone and giving you the American Sign Language salute for "have a nice day"?

Consider ourselves faced with the pressure of the work-a-day problems of everyday living. Are we not all prone to this epidemic of restlessness irritability and discontent in our society? It is all well and good for the "so-called normal person" who will muddle along as best she can, and who may finally find a spiritual solution for her 'problems' as well. But for the alcoholic addict without the eventually fatal luxury of going back to the bottle or back on the pipe, this irritability, restlessness and discontent may very well lead him to buy a bottle, buy a bag, or buy a gun and buy the farm.

Irritability, restlessness and discontent must be addressed with spiritual means, and not tolerated, albeit at a reduced level from what it was when we were full-blown. If not?  It is too often fatal!

But what about the spiritually adept? How does he or she go about weeding out the last roots of this poisonous trio? A start may be made in meditation. I recently read a passage from David Bohm, a renowned theoretical physicist, and an accomplished spiritual aspirant. He talked about how, at the very deepest level of consciousness there is an "emotion of wishing to think."

I know from my own meditation practice what this vague emotional stirring "of wishing to think" feels like. My first meditation teacher (an A.A. old-timer with 35+ years of daily, and intensive, meditation and prayer) taught me that an awareness of this stirring, and a mindful returning to the object of meditation would dissipate that stirring. And it does . . . sometimes. When it doesn't and I break out into full, egoic "think, think, thinking," it is a reminder that meditation is a "practice."

Self-centered, egoic self-consciousness (or "ego consciousness") is the main root of our habitual 'thinking' problem. ("Think, think, think . . . stink, stink, stink . . . drink, drink, drink", I was taught.) And, thus, an awareness of this needing to think, is essential if we are not to break out in full-blown irritability, restlessness and discontent. When in our continuous self-examination, we note these feelings (Step Ten), it is time to affirm that life remains "unmanageable" at the level of the ego (Step One), and that we need to "stop, pause and from the quiet" (Step Three) and affirm and invoke a Power which is greater than "self" to aid us in going forward with serenity and an 'acceptiveness' of life.

We "need more grace," as Rumi - that lover of wine and of life's tavern - noted.