Ideas, Emotions and Egoic Attitudes

In the second chapter of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholic Anonymous we read that "the main problem of the alcoholic centers in the mind rather in his body." If it were not so, if the alcoholic addict only suffered from a physical craving for more alcohol once he or she begins to drink, not drinking would be the full solution to the addiction. But we know that he or she also, and more importantly, suffers from an obsession of the mind when not drinking. Thus, there is a need for a psychic solution that is more than mere abstinence. The Twelve Steps work because, if taken effectively, they provoke "an entire psychic change" that relieves the obsessive nature of the alcoholic mind.

In retelling Carl Jung's description of the "vital spiritual experiences" that were then known to periodically relieve alcoholism, the renowned psychologist reportedly observed: "Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

The "ideas" and "emotions" Jung describes are the thoughts and feelings experienced in the alcoholic addict's state of acute self-consciousness, the thoughts and feelings he or she drinks to escape from. "Attitude," on the other hand, is his or her "usual or habitual mode (or way) of thinking." Alcoholic addiction is thus, primarily a problem of self-consciousness, i.e., the existential problem of the human ego.

From this perspective, "ideas" are the fundamental thought content of the ego, "emotions" are the physiological and emotional response to this content, and "attitude" is the habitual identification of the alcoholic addict with the incessant stream of self-conscious, egoic thinking - a "painful inner dialogue" that most individuals (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) take to be "who" they are.

Steps Four, Five, Eight, Nine and Ten are designed to identify what the recurrent thoughts and painful memories of the alcoholic addict are. The sentiments, fears and desires of the ego are identified, and the alcoholic addict soberly faces, perhaps for the first time, what the predominant themes that make up his or her internal life are. Restitution is made for harms caused to others so that the sting is taken out of those thoughts, and an ongoing moral inventory is undertaken to identify egoic thinking and actions.

Steps Three, Six, Seven and Eleven, in their turn, are designed to allow the alcoholic addict to experience those areas of the psyche that lie beneath, but which were formerly obscured by, his or her ordinary self-conscious, egoic thinking. They allow the spiritual dimension of the alcoholic addict's soul to express itself. These are the "new conceptions and motives" that begin to dominate the alcoholic addict in recovery. Suddenly a newly found state of higher consciousness and being - a state of consciousness and being that was lost as the alcoholic addict became almost wholly self-conscious - begins to emerge.

Awareness of the content, feel and incessant nature of the ego, together with an ever growing experience of higher consciousness, is thus the key to kindling a spiritual awakening which will relieve alcoholic thinking. "With few exceptions," we read in the Spiritual Experience appendix to the 'Big Book,' "our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves." More religious members call it "God-consciousness," a part of our Being wholly separate from the ego and which provides the comfort and ease we sought in alcohol and/or drugs.

On Restlessness

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." 

-- Dr. William D. Silkworth, M.D. --
(Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. xxviii-xxix)

 Restlessness is the state of mind of the alcoholic addict when he or she is not drinking. The inner dialogue of the entirely self-conscious mind jumps from calamity to imagined calamity, from this desire to that desire, and from this memory to that fear continually. As a result, the alcoholic addict - clean and sober for the moment - is acutely self-conscious, and is irritable and discontented with the state of his or her being and lot in life. And, unless he or she "can experience an entire psychic change" there is but small chance of his or her recovery.

In this, he or she is not alone. There are multitudes of so-called "ordinary" people who go through life in just the same manner - irritable, restless and discontented during the largest part of their waking day - but without the physical, addictive craving for alcohol or more drugs once some is ingested, it is unlikely that they will ever fall into alcoholic addiction. Most of these non-alcoholic types could perhaps use a drink or two to get over their all-too-common restlessness and discomfort. More aptly, they too require a psychic change, and not a mere expedient, if they are to live a happy and contented life.  The alcoholic addict, by way of contrast, and absent an entire psychic change, will remain addicted to that expedient.

This basic human problem is recognized in the Bhagavad Gita, a discourse between Arjuna, a highly developed warrior, and the self-realized master, Krishna, who acts as his charioteer.

"Thou hast told me of a Yoga of constant oneness, O Krishna," Arjuna says, "of a communion which is ever one. But, Krishna, the mind is inconstant; in its restlessness I cannot find rest. The mind is restless Krishna, impetuous, self-willed, hard to train: to master my mind seems as difficult to master as the mighty winds."

"The mind is indeed restless, Arjuna," Krishna replies, "it is indeed hard to train. But by constant practice and by freedom from passions the mind in truth can be trained. When the mind is not in harmony, this divine communion is hard to attain; but the man whose mind is in harmony attains it, if he knows and strives for it."

[Bhagavad Gita, 6:33-36]

Thus, Krishna affirms to Arjuna that the basic nature of the unawakened mind is restlessness. but he recognizes also that the mind can be trained through "constant practice and by (a) freedom from the passions" in order that it may be harmonized.

It is precisely this basic retraining of the mind in order to precipitate an "entire psychic change" that the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) are designed to fulfill.

At page 27 of Alcoholics Anonymous, the great Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, describes the "huge emotional displacements and rearrangements" that have been know to effectively treat alcoholism in the following way: "Ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side and an entirely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

Absent such a psychic change, the restless, egoic and wholly self-conscious mind is dominated by seeming "calamity, pomp and worship of other things." This inner narrative blocks off all possibilities of a higher, dilated consciousness in which the alcoholic addict can effect a contact with a Power greater than his or her "self," or, if you prefer, a conscious contact with God.

Thus, the uncontrollable consumption of drugs and alcohol can truly be said to be a mere "symptom" of a far greater underlying condition - the ordinary, restlessness of the human ego. And until, that restlessness is abated, there can be little hope for "permanent sobriety, and a contented and useful life."
Working the Twelve Steps is one methodology - "we have no monopoly" - to bring about the necessary psychic change, in this instance via a spiritual awakening from within.

Fear, Desire and Defects of Character

In doing our Fourth Step, we are instructed to review our fears "thoroughly," to write them down on paper, even where there is no resentment connected with them. Then we are asked "why" we had such fears, and questioned as to whether or not it is because our "self-reliance" had totally failed us. This realization is helpful in seeing the root cause of the fears (that are elsewhere discussed as being the "chief activator" of our defects of character), but it says very little about the process by which these fears themselves arise.

To understand how and why fear arises within us, one needs to turn to The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, where the "flip-side" of fear - instinctive desire - is discussed. "Every normal person," we read at Step Six, "wants . . . to eat, to reproduce, to be somebody in the society of his fellows. And he wishes to be reasonably safe and secure as he tries to attain these thing." We all have, and will continue to have instinctive desires, it is how we deal with them that determines how and to what extenet fear will continue to rule our lives and dictate our behaviours.

"Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires," the reading continues, "it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due to us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, our sins."

Our instinctive drives are very basic. We have a need for air, water, food, clothing and warmth. On top of these we have an instinctive drive for sex, and as social creatures, a place in the human community. For most of us, barring natural or man-made disaster, securing these basic human needs and aspirations is straight forward and far from an impossible feat. Yet, are we satisfied once these needs are met? For most people, it would seem on the face of it, we would have to say "no," based on the behaviour that we see surrounding us. And perhaps, as a class, alcoholic addicts (once clean and sober) are amongst those least satisfied with the lot that falls to them.

Remember, as it says in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, that we are "driven people." Are we satisfied with three square meals a day, a roof to sleep under, and a companion and friends with which to share our lives? What about the promotion we now so richly deserve? What about that new car? What about new clothes? What about what other people might think of us? What about the people we want or "need" to impress?

Clearly, as is pointed out, "it is nowhere on the record that God has completely removed from any human being all his natural drives. Why and to what extent, then, do we continue to let our instinctive desires drive us blindly? Why do we allow our desires to create within us the room in which we allow our character defects to operate? Why with our needs for the day met do we obsessively work to ensure that tomorrow's desires - for food, clothes, sex, companionship etc. - will be met in surplus?

One answer may be, as many noted spiritual authorities attest, that there is within us a typically unrecognized desire for transcendence, for something much greater than the here and now. The alcoholic addict's "craving for alcohol (is) on a low level." Carl Jung observed, "the thirst of our being for wholeness, in medieval terms: union with God." And, similarly, I would suggest that our thirst for money, for prestige, power and sex, etc. is a similar misplaced thirst for the transcendent. Out of this thirst, or desire, arises the fear (rightly founded) that this thirst will not be quenched, as, in reality it cannot be. Then, because of this irrational fear, we act out, seeking to grasp more than we could possibly consume, all in a quest for a happiness which ever eludes us.

The solution to this dilemma is, as always, that the God of our understanding can restore us to sanity, if we seek our satisfaction there. This is not common sense. We are not taught this by society. Rather, it is uncommon sense. We need to seek a higher, acceptive consciousness that will allow us to fully accept and enjoy the here and now, instead of remaining mired in the egoic consciousness of "self" which is forever unsatisfied. To access this higher consciousness, and to attain, maintain and improve our conscious contact with a God which relieves our suffering (not only from alcohol or drugs, but also from fear, desire and our character defects) is the purpose of the Twelve Steps.

Carl Jung on Alcoholism, Addiction and "Attitude Adjustment"

Often referred to as a program of "attitude adjustment," the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister fellowships) were crafted to address the problem of the alcoholic addict where it centers - in his or her mind. In doing so, they are intended to address the thoughts, feelings and way of thinking that keeps the alcoholic addict in the throes of addiction, and they do so by uncovering an entirely new state of consciousness and being that exists within each of us.

"Attitude" is defined as "a settled . . . way of thinking," and it is the alcoholic addict's conditioned, or learned, "way of thinking" that must be overcome. Indeed, in describing the spiritual awakenings that had been reported as arresting chronic alcoholism, the great Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, observed that "(the) ideas, emotions and attitudes that were the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side and a completely new set of conceptions and motivations begin to dominate them."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 27.]

Note how these words "ideas," "attitudes," "conceptions," etc., all deal with mental phenomena. The 12 Steps are indeed "a program of action," yet all the actions that are suggested are meant to effect a mental rearrangement by allowing the recovering alcoholic addict to tap into the stream of a different, higher state of consciousness than his or or her ordinary, egoic "self" consciousness provides. Indeed, in Jung's view, the problem of "ego," or "self" consciousness, is the central dilemma of all humanity - addict and non-addict alike - only in the alcoholic addict, if unchecked, the "ego" will inevitably lead the sufferer to drink or drug once again in order to relieve this "bondage of self." In order to overcome this dilemma, Jung saw that a spiritual (or inner religious) conversion was necessary, and that such a spiritual awakening must be one that is grounded in experiential rather than merely intellectual knowledge.

Thus, in his book, "The Undiscovered Self," Jung observes:

"Just as man, as a social being, cannot in the long run exist without a tie to the community, so the individual will never find the real justification for his existence, and his own spiritual and moral autonomy, anywhere except in an extramundane principle capable of relativizing the overpowering influence of external factors."

"The individual who is not anchored in God," Jung points out, "can offer no resistance on his own resources to the physical and moral blandishments of the world."

"For this," Jung notes, "he needs the inner, transcendent experience which alone can protect him from the otherwise inevitable submersion in the mass. Merely intellectual or even moral insight into the stultification and moral irresponsibility of the mass man is a negative recognition only and amounts to not much more than a wavering on the road to the atomization of the individual. It lacks the driving force of religious conviction, since it is merely rational."

[Jung, "The Undiscovered Self," page 34.]

Indeed, in his belated correspondence with Bill W.  - in which Bill originally thanked Jung for his initial contribution to the chain of events that would lead to the founding of A.A. - Jung observed that "the evil principle prevailing in this world leads the unrecognized spiritual need into perdition, if it is not counteracted either by real religious insight or by the protective wall of human community." The 12 Steps are thus designed to provide just such insight.

Just as "attitude" can also describe the way in which an aircraft cuts through the sky, "attitude" (or his or her way of thinking) can describe the way an individual circumnavigates life. If centered in,  and identified wholly with, his or her egoic self-consciousness, the individual is left blowing in the wind with neither guide nor plan. But the same individual, armed with real and experiential religious or spiritual insight, and experiencing life through the higher consciousness and being which exists within each of us, becomes in Jung's terms "anchored in God." The Twelve Steps are, thus, designed to spark the spiritual (or inner religious) experience that makes this rarer state of consciousness and being possible.

The Paradox of Alcoholism, Addiction and Spiritual Awakening

Twelve Step programs have a double purpose, but like all spiritual matters, the double purpose is paradoxically interrelated. The alcoholic addict turns to A.A. (or one of its sister organizations) because of the suffering induced by his or her addiction and quickly (or slowly, in my case) learns that alcohol and/or drugs are not the problem, but rather a failed solution to a deeper, existential challenge: the lack of power to manage, or even soberly tolerate, his or her life.

"If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism," we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, "many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient they failed us utterly."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 44-45.]

Thus, it seems we cannot stop drinking and/or drugging just because we feel, or even know, that it is "wrong" for us to continue. "The needed power was not there." Essentially, we continue because we see no viable path to live our life without the comfort and ease (which finally elude us) that comes from drinking and/or drugging. We are hopeless, or so it seems.

"Lack of power," we then read, "was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?" 

The "how" of where to find a Higher Power greater than "self" is, of course, the Twelve Steps. And, the "where" (again, paradoxically) is "deep down within us" - i.e., deep in our consciousness. We read in the 'Big Book' (at page 55) that "deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God," although "(i)t may be obscured by calamity, pomp, (and) by worship of other things."

And there's the rub. We each have within us a higher consciousness devoid of the pomp, calamities and acquisitiveness generated by our self-conscious, egoic state of being - a higher consciousness that we approached, but never really reached, when using alcohol and drugs -  but we are unable to attain to it. It is through the "how" of self-examination, meditation and prayer suggested by the Twelve Steps that we finally acquire the ability to let go of our ego-consciousness and connect (or, perhaps more accurately, reconnect) with this deeper nature of our being - a state of consciousness and being which the more religious members of A.A. (and its sister organizations) call "God-consciousness."

When we attain to this state of higher consciousness, we experience a spiritual awakening, and this awakening allows us to abstain from the use of alcohol and/or drugs on a day-by-day basis, provided we do the necessary daily work to maintain a connection in consciousness to this Higher Power. For the realm of the spiritual is ephemeral, as generations of mystics have warned, and our conscious contact with the God of our own understanding is much easier to lose than it is to attain and maintain. "Every day," we read, "is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will for us into all our activities."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 44-45.]

Recovery Despite "Grave Emotional or Mental Disorders"

As an individual who has experienced a lifetime of bouts with recurrent depression - one of the "grave mental and emotional disorders" referenced in the "How It Works" chapter of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous - but who has nevertheless attained and sustained long-term sobriety and freedom from alcoholic addiction, it is helpful (indeed necessary) for me to remember the nature of that illness. For this, the "Doctor's Opinion" in the 'Big Book' is the best place to start.

In Doctor Silkworth's statement enlarging upon his views about alcoholism, we are confirmed in "what we who have suffered alcoholic torture must believe - that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as the mind." Thus, while "the problem of the alcoholic centers in the mind" - as do other, primarily mental illnesses - it is important for me to recognize and remind myself of the strong physical component to alcoholic addiciton.

"It did not satisfy us," we read, "to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."

If I had never drank alcohol, I wouldn't have become alcoholic, although that latent physical potentiality would still have been there. This does not mean, however, that I would never have suffered from depression. Looking back, with the help of friends, sponsors and therapists, it is clear that at times I treated my depression with the booze and drugs. However, looking at my family tree, it is equally clear that I, along with other family members, suffered from depression - some with additional battles against alcoholism, some without such struggles - irrespective of my alcoholism. Both diseases, I have found, have their biological bases, and their mental expressions are well known.

Thus, just as I seek treatment to guard against, and/ or ameliorate, chronic depression (which is a matter that is strictly between my doctors and myself), I must also remember that my alcoholic addiction requires treatment as well. That is why I continue to work the 12 Steps, attend meetings and try to help others work through the Steps.

Dr. Silkworth (and many doctors since) suggests "that the effect of alcohol on . . . chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."

Looking back at my sixteen years of alcoholic addiction, three things happened the first time I got drunk, and the same three things happened the last time I got drunk: I lost my natural inhibitions and felt like an integral part of what was happening around me, I wanted more (and still more) of the booze and drugs that were making me feel that way, and I drank way more than I could stomach and eventually passed out. But in the midst of this, sometimes for just the briefest period, I felt elation. These effects were more or less present each time I drank, and accept for the puking out, passing out or, worse, blacking out, I drank for these effects. I craved more and more alcohol, and progressively drank more and more alcohol to attain the desired affect. And when sober, I could not wait to get high and drunk again. Such is the nature of my addiction.

I had one moment of clarity, which looking back I attribute to the grace of God, and that was sufficient to make the tentative first call for help which would lead me out of this alcoholic addiction. I work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability on a daily basis, so that I do not return to active addiction - ever.  I really do not know if I would have a "second chance" at recovery. And, I suspect not.

The added bonus is that working the Steps - living the spiritual way of life I have been taught in A.A. -  also helps me with the continuing threat that depression always poses, although, as mentioned, I do seek outside medical help for that supposedly "outside issue." For a while I attended meetings of Emotions Anonymous (one of A.A.'s many sister groups), where they used the Twelve Steps to deal with emotional and mental issues such as depression. I met people there who were getting great relief through working the Steps in that fellowship.

But, for me, an alcoholic addict in recovery, A.A. will always be home. All around me I see people just like me dealing with the same fears, overwrought desires and their struggles with everyday and once-in-a-lifetime occurrences, and I draw strength from their success, and knowledge from their experience which helps me in my life.

Over the years, I have boiled down the necessity of treating what are, in fact, two separate but related, and primarily mental illnesses (alcoholic addiction and depression) to the following: It is difficult and at times impossible for an unhealthy brain to entertain consistently healthy thought; therefore, I work with my doctor in assuring that my tendency to depression is kept in check. At the same time, it is still all too easy for a healthy brain to have some very unhealthy thoughts; therefore I work the 12 Steps, have a sponsor, and hang with individuals who are both working a program of recovery and have deep aspirations to increase and improve their conscious contact with a Power greater than themselves.

As a result, I have been the beneficiary of some great teachers and garnered invaluable insights into who I am as a person. And irrespective of what life brings to me, I have found (although it may not have seemed so at the time) that I can accept it all good and bad, whether it is the love my children have for me, or the loss of a woman I loved dearly, or any of the ups and downs that have happened in-between. I may not like what life brings, but that is not my call.

My imperative is to stay awake spiritually, to accept life as it is served to me, and to learn to accept it as it is, rather than plucking up false courage and unwisely battling things that are far beyond my ability to influence or control. My life remains unmanageable, and I accept that. Thank God, it is under better management than I could ever provide!

"Frothy Emotional Appeal Seldom Suffices"

How often do we sit in a meeting and hear it deteriorate into a testimonial of all the good things that have happened to people that have sobered up? "Keep Coming Back!," we are cheerily advised. "Go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and if it doesn't work, we'll refund your misery!," is often glibly added.

While such comments are undoubtedly well-intended, and are of some limited benefit to the new member who is beginning to work the 12 Steps, they do little, if anything, for the still-suffering alcoholic - be they newcomers wondering how they can possibly stay clean and sober, or old-timers who are going through one of the curve balls life throws.

"Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices," we read in the introductory "Doctor's Opinion" section of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. "The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have substance and weight. In nearly all cases," we read, "their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives."

While identification with a fellow suffer is crucial, the suffering (or still-suffering) alcoholic addict does not need an assurance that life gets better or easier in recovery, he or she needs concrete advice and illustrations of what he or she needs to do and how to do it. If he or she does nothing but go to 90 meetings in 90 days, be assured that you will not need to refund their suffering, they will be suffering tremendously, if they make it at all.

Bill W. once observed that there was nothing original in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous - i.e., in the Twelve Steps themselves - and that the only thing that was unique to A.A. was the ability of one alcoholic to relate to another alcoholic and his or her experience in depth.

Let's face it, there is quite often a great sense of relief when the alcoholic addict cleans up and sobers up. If he or she has not hit a low bottom, life rapidly becomes "better" almost solely because one is no longer drinking and/or drugging. Initial sobriety, itself, can therefore seem to be recovery itself. (This initial relief is sometimes referred to as a "pink cloud.") But, "the problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind," and the still-suffering (or yet-again suffering) alcoholic needs (a) identification with his or her state of mind, (b) assurance that others have experienced and lived through the mental crisis he or she is facing, and (c) precise directions as to how others have recovered from the same mental distress he or she finds themself in.

"Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices." Identify with the sufferer, and his or her trials and tribulations. Share your experience with the same challenges he or she faces. Tell the still suffering alky precisely what you did to overcome your difficulties. Offer your help. Help guide the sufferer to the 12 Steps, or back to the 12 Steps. Take him or her through the 'Big Book' and you may save a life. Telling him or her merely to "put the plug in the jug," and that everything will be great in 90 days of 90 meetings, is not helpful and may do irreparable harm.

A "Self-Imposed Crisis" Part 2: Overcoming Self

In a previous post, we have set out just exactly what the "self" or "ego" is.

When we come to realize that the "self" of the "self-imposed crisis" of  addiction we "are faced with" is none other than the human ego - not "ego" as in pride (which is one of the character defects we seek to overcome) but "ego" in its psychological sense," in the sense of what William James dubbed the "stream of consciousness"  - we become ready to "go to any lengths" to reduce or "deflate at depth" that sense of separated "self" and blunt its impact on us, on others and on the Whole.

Ego-consciousness vs. God-Consciousness

To do so, it is first necessary to admit to our own "innermost self" - that greater part of our consciousness beneath, yet higher than, our "self-conscious" stream of thought - that life is, in fact, unmanageable through the thought processes of our "normal" egoic self consciousness. Doing so - at least on a trial basis - we come to believe (or "become willing to believe") that there is within our consciousness a Power greater than the stream of thought - greater than the ego - that can and will restore us to its sanity. (Of course, that requires an admission that our "ego" - that "the human ego" - is in fact insane.) Admitting, again to our "innermost self" that the twisted thoughts of anger, depression hopelessness, fear, plots of revenge etc. that can course through our egoic minds are crazy should not, however, be much of a stretch."

Having passed these initial hurdles to overcoming our "self-imposed crisis" we need to come to a decision: are we willing to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the God of our understanding? That is a difficult decision, mostly because all of us come to the Third Step freighted with ideas, prejudices and more or less vague conceptions of what "God" is or may be. Like many, we may be dyed-in-the-wool atheists. This need not be such a psychological burden if we face the proposition that "God is either everything or nothing," that God either ""is or "isn't." (Some may call that "pantheism' but for others it may just be the universe at large.)

If God is indeed everything rather than nothing, than we too are included within this Universal Being; and, if we work diligently at it, we too can find within us what the Spiritual Experience Appendix says "our more religious members called God-consciousness."

The Big Book is intended, we are told (at p. 45), to show us how and where to find a Higher Power that is greater than our self-centered, ever self-conscious and judgmental "ego" or "self". And, we read in the all-important middle paragraphs of page 55, that we find that "Great Reality" not 'out there' somewhere, but "deep down within us." Once we have looked everywhere else - including to the booze, drugs, money, sex and everything else that once made us feel so good - we find that "in the last analysis" it is within our own Being, beneath our ego/self consciousness, and that an understandable God "may be found."

Of course, even when we find this Power greater than ourselves, this God that we can "understand" or stand under, it is enormously difficult to turn our will and our lives over to its care. We are used to making all our decisions about what we should say or do (or not say and not do) all by "ourselves." In this respect we have relied, in nearly every instance, solely on that stream of consciousness which is the "ego" - for deciding what to do, how to act, and what to say or not say. To decide is the exercise of one's "will," and it turns out (like virtually everyone else in this world) that we have been making all too many of these decisions based on whatever pops into our head and the situation seems to call for at the time. But now, it is necessary for us to develop an ability to make such decisions on a deeper, saner level. It becomes necessary for us to take the pressure of our egoic thinking off of us, so that we can make these decisions at a far deeper and sane level of consciousness. And that is precisely what Step 4 to Step 9 allow us to do.

"Many of us tried to hold on to our old ideas" with the result that nothing changes in our ideas and patterns of thought, within our attitudes. The result? Nothing . . . nada . . . "nil."  Nothing changes until we let go (or work to let go) of those old ideas and thought patterns "absolutely." This is the only "absolute" discussed in the first part of the Big Book.

We need to let go of the the thoughts that have haunted us for years and, eventually, the relatively new ideas that come to disturb us, in order to find and utilize "a Power greater than ourselves." Like a stick of gum, once we have chewed on a thought for a while - a short while, at that - it loses its flavor,  becomes stale and should be discarded. Step 4 to Step 9 is how we discard our old thoughts and way of thinking.

"In dealing with resentments we set them down on paper."

Just as its laid out in the Big Book, we write down and examine our resentments (the "re-sentiments" or feelings we re-experience whenever our egoic thinking drudges up and dwells on our old thoughts about people, situations and institutions). We write down the fears and sexual improprieties that ensnare us and cause us shame. We stop living alone and trying to deal with these ideas and the roller-coasters of emotions they generate by admitting to our innermost selves, to God as we understand God and, most importantly, to another human being, the thoughts which have haunted us in secret for years upon years. (To find relief from the pressures and sense of "anxious apartness" these thoughts generated was, in most instances, why we sought relief through booze and/ or drugs. Such "anxious apartness" is the signature of the "self" in our "self-imposed crisis.") Having obtained some sense of relief from our internal persecutors through sharing what has been bottled up inside us, we seek to obtain an evermore perfect release from all these tortuous thoughts  and the behaviors they generated through Step Six and Seven.

If the "ego" - our internal sense of "self" - were a raging bonfire, Step Eight and Step Nine are like kicking the logs off the fire and smothering them in sand so that the fire is contained and diminished no longer poses further risks ands imperil us or others. Step 10 is assuring that we do not deliberately or inadvertantly throw more fuel on the fire. When we do, we recollect the dangers that an out of control fire poses, and knock the fuel out of the fire and smother it as quickly as we can.

Continuing to take - and, to the best of our ability, continuously taking - an inventory of just what's going on in our egoic self and what we do as a result - we confront our "selves" whenever we slip back into self-centeredness and act in accordance with the whims of our shallow "self" consciousness instead of basing our actions onour deeper consciousness. This process of "self-examination" is perhaps the most arduous task we have ever been confronted with. It requires great discipline of awareness and practice.

Continuous awareness of how, when and where the stream of self-consciousness guides us goes against the way we have learned to think and "reason." Forunately, our emotions - our visceral "feelings" - can act as a sort of internal "early warning system." It is far easier to remain aware of, and attuned to, how we are feeling - anger, jealousy, greed, a wounded sense of pride etc. are, very powerful emotional states - rather than focusing solely on the more subtle processes of just what we are thinking. Because of this subtlety, Step Ten is really a follow-up in the course of daily life to Step Three.

Reinhold Niebuhr, author of "The Serenity Prayer"

In concluding his essay of Step Three in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Bill writes that beginning to practice Step Three is relatively easy. "In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision," he writes, "we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness say: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.'" (Emphasis added.)

There is, of course, only one thing that we can do in a single moment and that is to affect a change in the level of our consciousness, to move from the state of self-consciousness to the quiet and stillness of our greater higher consciousness (or, if we prefer, God-consciousness). To do so, however, we need to have both the "wisdom" that there exists within us both the egoic "self" of self-consciousness and the greater "Self" of higher consciousness or the soul. It also requires the "courage" (from the French, cour, meaning heart) to move from a reliance on self-consciousness to a reliance, in that very instance, on higher, God-consciousness.

Figuratively, this change in reliance is a move from the head (ego/self) to the heart (soul/Self/God). To find such wisdom and courage, we need to practice Step 11 on a daily basis, for it is only through prayer and, most especially, through meditation that we find and open up the space within our being that is the place of quiet and stillness our Serenity Prayer refers to. The discovery of this place - really the experiential acquisition of the knowledge that we are much greater than our ordinary ego consciousness - is the essence of a spiritual awakening.

It is useful to keep in mind the central message of the Spiritual Experience Appendix, an addendum  that was only added to the 2nd edition of the Big Book, at a time when there were roughly 150,000 A.A. members:

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.

Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than our,selves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." (Emphasis added.)

" . . . sought through prayer and meditation . . ."

It is through practicing this process of interwoven "self examination, meditation, and prayer" in our day-to-day life that we become able to deflate the ego "at depth," to keep in check the "self" of our self-imposed crisis. Doing so reins in the obsessive nature of our minds, most particularly the obsession that only booze and/or drugs will relieve our internal pressures or solve our life crises. It is this process that provides us a solution to the existential problems that the ego creates, and it truly provides us with a Road of Happy Destiny that we can walk upon for the duration of our time here, ever perfecting our relationship with God and our fellows. It provides us with an inner Grace which we can share with the alcoholic addict who still suffers, and which we can apply in all of life's affairs.