Beyond the 'Big Book' . . . Beyond the 'Inner Dialogue' . . . Beyond the Confines of the 'Self'

The 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous is, of course, our most valuable resource in early recovery, offering, as it does, a complete guide for rapidly taking the newcomer through the Twelve Steps so that he or she may be released from active alcohol addiction. But how effective is it, in and of itself, for working with the "alcoholic who still suffers" years (and, perhaps, many years) into sobriety as he or she continues to struggle, not with the obsession over alcohol, but with "the bondage of self"?

Realistically, there are many within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations), and many returning to these rooms sober, whose spiritual experiences have not been so "deep and effective" as to relieve them from the obsessive nature of the mind. There are those, too, who have had illuminating spiritual experiences only to fall from such spiritual heights and who continue to struggle to recapture what they once had. These are the "still suffering" alcoholic addicts with minds that no longer obsess over alcohol but, rather, minds that obsess about the ordinary human trials and tribulations of life - the instinctive drives for security, sex and society - in their many varieties. The 'Big Book' is necessarily silent about such men and women, as it was written so early in the experience of the then-recovering alcoholics.

Bill Wilson thought that perhaps the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions would help those, like himself, "who had begun to run into life's lumps in other areas than alcohol." Indeed, a decade or so into his own sobriety, when he wrote the second book, "he was suffering almost constant depression and was forced to confront the emotional and spiritual demons that remain 'stranded' in the alcoholic psyche." ("Pass It On," pages 352 and 356.)

"The problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind," we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thus, for the alcoholic addict who is "still suffering" in sobriety, it is crucial that he or she comes to terms with the self-centered nature of ordinary human consciousness. That is, he or she must transcend the "egoic self" in order to experience the inner quiet and peace that is inherent to our nature. To do so, however, it is first necessary, that he or she recognize and then learn to let go of the mechanical and learned nature of our 'ordinary' self-centered thinking.

As spiritual teacher and author, William Holden recently blogged on The Huffington Post:

". . . (A)wakening to our original enlightened nature involves interrupting the ordinary flow of linear, language-based, thinking so that we can rediscover "the mind within the mind". Focusing on external circumstances or teachings is not what triggers the moment of (spiritual awakening), in other words. Rather, it is focusing on the absence of internal commentary. Because it is impossible to "think" without words, this practice of stopping the flow of running commentary on our lives involves cultivating a mindset of no-thought (wu-nien) in an attempt to experience each moment as it is without silently talking to ourselves about it."

In the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (at page 98) Bill W. points out that a logically interrelated practice of "self-examination, meditation and prayer" will, in effect, allow the practitioner to access the hidden depths of our being, yielding him or her "an unshakeable foundation" for spiritual living. The Twelve Steps are designed to let us practice this spiritual methodology effectively.

The "maintenance of our spiritual condition" (and with it the ability to move beyond the small and suffering 'self') if practiced over time is the solution to the real problem of the alcoholic addict, the problem centered in his or her mind. It is a solution that all spiritual and religious traditions point to (as outlined in the audio clip, attached below), a solution that moves the alcoholic addict beyond his or her "painful inner dialogue."

If the alcoholic addict still suffering in sobriety is to "move beyond the confines of mere rationalism" and overcome the obsessive nature of the mind, and the problems in life which it presents, he or she may be well advised to look beyond the 'Big Book' and more deeply into the many and varied spiritual and religious paths that complement the Twelve Steps. This may require moving even beyond the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and other A.A. literature, and further into the realm of the spirit, being quick to see where religious people may be right and making "use of what they to offer: 'Big Book,' page 87.

Beyond Our Many 'Selves' . . .

"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputa­tion, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it."

Alcoholics Anonymous, page 73

In active addiction, the alcoholic addict is forced of necessity to play an outward role that is designed, it is hoped, to cover his or her affliction. Meanwhile, inside all is turmoil, leading him or her on to drink or drug again in order to alleviate the feelings (and the suffering) such inner turmoil creates. Then, in the earliest days of recovery, this difficult and painful acting role continues.

The alcoholic addict in recovery tries to maintain his or her outward facade without the relief from the racing mind - and the resulting overwhelming emotions - that booze and/or drugs had once provided. Unless he or she does something to be rid of the discomfort and pain created by trying to present one coherent persona to the world while inside a hundred different 'selves' manifest themselves - the angry 'self', the shameful 'self', the remorseful 'self', the indignant 'self', the smug and superior 'self', etc. - there is a distinct probability he or she will return to the chemical 'pain-killers' that seemed to have worked at one point to relieve such psychic pain.

Of course, this dilemma of being "an actor" is not unique to the alcoholic addict. "Most people," we know, "try to live by self-propulsion" and "(e)ach person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show." ('Big Book', page 60.) Yet alcoholic addicts are, perhaps, 'terminally unique' in that quite often they will turn back once again to using the alcohol and/or drugs that have exacerbated and intensified the sense of duality, emptiness and incompleteness caused by the fractured psyche that virtually everyone suffers from. And, due to the progressive and potentially fatal nature of this vicious cycle, they risk their very lives in an attempt to escape from the intensified feelings that the many 'selves' of their particularly fractured psyches generate.

"If when you honestly want to, you find that you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little or no control over the amount you take, you may be suffering from an illness," we read, "which only a spiritual experience will conquer." The work that is suggested in A.A. and its sister organizations - i.e., actually doing and thereafter practicing the 12 Steps - like the work suggested by all of the world's great religions and wisdom traditions, are intended to enable the individual to have just such a "spiritual experience." (Spiritual and/or religious beliefs, faith and knowledge are all well and good, but without the integrating experience resulting from following one of the various spiritual paths that are now so readily available to all, such beliefs, faith and knowledge avail the individual but little.)

"(The alcoholic's) thirst for alcohol," Carl Jung pointed out, "(is) on a low level the thirst of our being for wholeness, in medieval language: union with God." (See post:"Jung-Wilson Correspondence")

Such "wholeness" requires that we "uncover, discover and discard" (to use a favourite turn of phrase employed by a beloved and wizened old-timer) the many false "selves" which separates us from our true being, from our innermost real Self, from "the God of our own (experiential) understanding."

Consider the following excerpt of an article discussing the fractured nature of the human psyche by spiritual teacher and author, Ted Nottingham.

"We are not one person. There is no "I am," but many "I's" coming from numerous places within us. There is the "I" who is in command when it is hungry. There is the "I" who is in a bad mood, there is the "I" that loves to read poetry, and on and on. . . . In (our accustomed state), we just assume that we always act as the same person. Inner knowledge tells us that we are made up of many disconnected, fragmentary facets without unity. When such information is verified, then a presence besides those many "I's" is also present. You can no longer fall entirely for the illusion of unity. . . ."

"It is no small thing to begin to see who we are. It will impact our whole life. We are not one, but many. The aim is to become one, the true one behind the many "I's". The mysterious metaphor "man is legion" refers to the multi-faceted being that we are in our separation from the unifying Source. Part of our inner work, then, is to develop an awareness of the feeling of "I" in the moment. Such an effort will allow us not to be that fragmentary self claiming to be our whole identity. Any change in the sense of "I" will also transform the world around us. . . . "

"We generally encounter the world as an egotistical bundle of personal reactions and that is the cause of so much of our unnecessary unhappiness. We must develop a feeling of "I" that is different from the one we have now. We all have the experience of constant chatter in our heads. We are always thinking something, responding to something, imagining something. We say "I" to each activity in our mind: "I hate this . . . I am this . . . I want this." But this flood of constant response and talk in our brain is nothing more than life acting on our personality and our personality responding to it. We can form in ourselves, in our own psychology, a little bit of awareness that can stand back from that torrent of thought and activity and simply see -- without response to it, without judgement or justification."

". . . (W)hat we are not conscious of will control us. When we are completely caught up in our ordinary sense of self, there is no chance of change. We are convinced that we are right, we take for granted that this is who we are. We don't create that inner space which allows a new evolution to take place. So long as we take ourselves as one person, we cannot move from where we are."

"As you begin to distance yourself from this inner ocean, you will be able to observe parts of yourself that we are calling I's which are not only contradictory but entirely foreign to what you really care about. For instance, you can be a religious person as well as the very opposite. In order to strengthen the part of yourself that wants to be a spiritual person over against the part that couldn't care less, one has to intentionally give power to those I's that will do the work of spiritual evolution and remove power from those that will not. This requires serious personal separation. As things are now, all of these I's claim to be yourself whenever they appear."

"When you make that space -- which is the detachment of the mystic -- and you see these armies of light and darkness inside, then you know where the battle must take place. You will also see that the army of darkness is much bigger than the one of light, those I's that wish to love God and the universe and transcend their selfishness. Over against them is this horde of barbarians that are only interested in being comfortable and satisfying their desires."

". . . (N)othing can change in us if we identify with all our I's. The whole point is to discover that we are not all that inner traffic. This insight gives us independence from the external world. This is a fundamental aspect of spiritual maturity and freedom. If we look at the teachers of humanity, they were independent of the forces around them. They were truly themselves and able to act in the world regardless of surrounding influences. That is one characteristic of higher consciousness."

Can anyone relate to that? Does the alcoholic addict in recovery, at least initially, not suffer, and suffer greatly, from "all that inner traffic?" Bill W. called this ceaseless chatter of our many lesser 'selves' (the raucous vying for attention of what Nottingham identifies as our multiple "I's") a "painful inner dialogue" and "terrifying ghosts." Until we face, face down, and are freed from identification with these many 'selves' true recovery, sanity, and spiritual transformation will be illusive at best.

Fortunately, there are many paths and practices - including, and in addition to, the 12 Steps - which will lead us experientially through and beyond our many 'selves' to "a new state of  consciousness and being."

 * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Note: Ted Nottingham is a prolific author and spiritual teacher who facilitates an ongoing, online course on "The Practice of Spiritual Awakening" at www.innerworkforspiritualawakening.com.]

The Riddle of Ego, Self, and Innermost Self

To borrow the oft-quoted line from Winston Churchill, the 'secret' of Alcoholics Anonymous (and its sister organizations) is "a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma." Those who have solved this "riddle" often smile mysteriously and enigmatically - like the slight and knowing smile of the Sphinx - when trying to explain it. The "riddle" goes something like this: "You have to find a Power greater than yourself, but you have to find this Power deep down within yourself."

 What??? If you are like I was, perhaps it is at this stage that you shut down and start asking others what God is, what they use as their Higher Power, or just what the heck 'It' is that we are supposed to rely on.

The answer to this seemingly inevitable question given to me by my first sponsor was "Good Orderly Direction." Others have been told, "Group of Drunks," or a variety of other responses. In my case, this answer combined with my close-mindedness and fierce "will to win" led me on a nearly 15-year wild goose chase to "wrest happiness and success out of this world" by managing life well, that is by getting me some of that 'Good Orderly Direction' in my thinking. (See, page 61 of Alcoholics Anonymous.)

However, there is, I believe, a very straightforward 'key' to solving this "riddle" and discovering just what the 'secret' (so to speak) of A.A. is -  i.e., exactly where and how to access "a Power" greater than oneself that will solve the alcohol problem and render the alcoholic addict "happily and usefully whole." That 'key' is (or was in my case) understanding the relationship between (i) one's "ego" (ii) one's "self" and (iii) one's "innermost self".

"Ego" is variously defined in metaphysics as "a conscious thinking subject," in psychology as "the part of the mind that reacts to reality and has a sense of individuality," and in popular usage as "a sense of self esteem" or pride: (Oxford English Dictionary). "Self" - in its turn - is defined as "a person's or things own individuality or essence" and "a person or thing as the object of introspection or reflective action." One's "innermost self" is undefined (although "one's better self" - defined as "one's nobler instincts" - comes close.)

The 'key' to the 'riddle' lies in these definitions and, most importantly, in understanding that ego does NOT mean pride in A.A. literature. Almost invariably, "ego" is used interchangeably with "self". ("Our actor," we read on page 61 of the 'Big Book', "is self centered -- ego-centric, as people like to call it today.") A working definition of both "ego" and "self" for our purposes, therefore, may be something like: "the thinking part of the mind that reacts to reality and has, or gives us, a sense of our own identity and individuality."

It is this constant inner stream or commentary of thoughts, images and ideas - "the thinking part of the mind that reacts to reality" - together with their bodies, that the vast majority of people (alcoholic addict and non-addict alike) take themselves to be. It is 'who' they 'are '- or so it seems to them. (Interestingly, Bill W. in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions variously calls this constant inner stream of ego/self a "painful inner dialogue" and "terrifying ghosts.")

If one can understand that the ego/self is not who we are, but that "ego" or "self" is but a fraction of our mind - an attitude or way of relating to the world that is learned - and that underneath that small but loud and unceasing fraction lies "an innermost self" that is the "essence" of who we are, then he or she can productively begin to work the 12 Steps, the first of which is: "to fully concede to (his or her) innermost self that (he or she is) alcoholic" or an addict. (Admitting to one's "innermost self" that one's life has become, is, and will continue to be "unmanageable" comes next.)

Consider these points from the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous:

• "The problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than his body." (Page 23)
• "We alcoholics . . . have lost the ability to control our drinking." (Page 30)
• "Whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not." (Page 34)
• "(T)he actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception. will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge." (Page 39)
•  "The alcoholic at certain times has no effective defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Page 42)
• "If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how hard we tried." (Pages 44-45)
• "Our human resources, as marshalled by the will . . .  failed utterly." (Page 45)
• "Lack of power . . . was our dilemma." (Page 45)
• "We had to find a power by which we could live (free of alcohol, drugs, etc.), and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." (Page 45)
• "(W)here and how were we to find this Power?" (Page 45)
• "(The) main object (of the 'Big Book') is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem." (Page 45)
• "We found the Great Reality deep down within us." (Page 55)
• "(L)iquor is but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." (Page 64)

So the alcoholic addict learns that the loss of control over liquor, drugs, etc., is not the problem but is symptomatic of a deeper problem that centers in her mind, and that she needs to find a Power that is greater than her 'self'. Self-knowledge will not cut it. How and where, then, is she to find such a Power that will relieve her symptoms, particularly if she doesn't believe in a quasi-mythic Old Testament God 'out there' somewhere? That, we learn, is the "main object" of the process.

"How" to find such a Power is quite clear: Do the 12 Steps! But  the "how" of doing the Steps if you do not believe in a "God" or "Divinity" which most cultures teach is 'out there' is exceedingly difficult, indeed. Fortunately, the "where" of finding a Higher Power is set out on Page 55 of the 'Big Book'. Here we find a concise rebuttal to the cultural norm that God, Yahweh, Ishwara, Allah, Buddha-mind, the Divine, one's Depth, the Ground of Being - whatever one chooses to call It - is exterior to us.

Although it is often obscured by "the calamity, pomp, and worship of other things" characteristic of the "self" or "ego" (i.e., "the thinking part of the mind that reacts to reality and has, or gives us, a sense of our own identity and individuality"), we find that there exists within us "an Innermost Self" that is the "Essence" of our "Being." It is this "Inner Self" that all the world's great religious and wisdom traditions seek to activate and develop.

Page 55 sets out, in clear and precise language, that:

"We (find) that Great Reality," i.e., our 'Inner Self' or 'Essence', "deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He (or She, or It) may be found."

In a letter to Bill W., the great psychologist, Dr. Carl Jung, pointed out that: "(The alcoholic's) thirst for alcohol (is) the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: union with God."

Although he was much concerned that he would be misunderstood when using such culturally freighted words and concepts, he nonetheless elaborated further on such an "experience" - that is, the psychological and spiritual "union with God" at the heart of all the world's great wisdom traditions.

"The only right and legitimate way to such an experience," Jung notes, "is, that it happens to you in reality and it can only happen to you when you walk on a path which leads you to higher understanding." That is, one must follow a spiritual path without aid of drugs or booze, a path or methodology (like the 12 Steps) that leads you to a "higher understanding" and "experience" of one's mind beyond the ordinary, ego-centric perspective and narrative of "self."

"You might be led to that goal," - i.e., to a "spiritual awakening" of one's 'Inner Self' or 'Essence' - Jung points out, "by an act of grace or through a personal and honest contact with friends, or through a higher education of the mind beyond the confines or mere rationalism." Fortunately for the alcoholic addict, "the path" laid out in the 12 Steps, the work we do, and the fellowship we find in A.A. (or any of its sister organizations) offers all three.

But the key to realizing grace, receiving meaningful friendship, and transcending the mind to a level "beyond the confines of mere rationalism" is in solving the "riddle" presented by the "ego" or "self" in which we are seemingly confined. In finding our 'Innermost Self', in experiencing our 'Essence' in consciousness, we access the "mysteries" at the heart of the world's great religions and esoteric traditions. In working our way through the seeming "paradox" of finding a "Power" that is at once greater than one's "self" but which is ultimately found "deep down within" one's 'Innermost Self', we begin to solve our alcohol problem and we open up to the potential and experience of what Bill W. calls "a new state of consciousness and being."

Our collective experience is that: "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped into an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness."" (Alcoholics Anonymous, Appendix II, pages 567-568.)

As Jung succinctly points out in his letter to Bill W., "(A)lcohol in Latin is 'spiritus' and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: "spiritus contra spiritum."

We Atheists

On the night of November 11, 1989, I experienced what many alcoholic addicts describe as "a moment of clarity." Alcohol and drugs had not been working for me the way they used to. They could no longer alleviate the punishing, self-conscious thoughts in my mind, and they only added to the fear and emotional turmoil I was regularly experiencing, particularly when I was "in my cups." Thankfully, I acted upon that brief moment of quiet acceptance and I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had a fixed desire to quit drinking and drugging.

From the start I had great difficulties with the program's spirituality. Raised in a scientific household and community (my father was a nuclear scientist, though my mother was a Christian Scientist), I had no belief in God or a Higher Power. For religion, or religionists, I had no time. Fortunately I quickly got myself a sponsor. I made my first and most crucial mistake in sobriety, however, on that first day we talked (the significance of which will be described below). Knowing me from the time I was out "performing" - his description, not mine - he told me point blank that I would have to take Step Two.

Having been in A.A. a number of weeks before we hooked up, and knowing that this "Power" greater than myself referred to the God of my understanding from Step Three, I asked him what his idea of God was. He told me he viewed God as "Good Orderly Direction," and I adopted this, believing that without the booze and drugs I would sure be able to able to turn around my thinking into some semblance of "Good Orderly Direction." This I tried with a vengeance. I returned to university and then law school, where I graduated at the top of my classes. Surely this was a sign of "Good Orderly Direction?"

Nonetheless, and needless to say, the material success I had in sobriety did not suffice to deepen my spiritual experience, even though I went through the Twelve Steps several times and went to many, many meetings in the first nine years of my sobriety. (I am, I know now, an alcoholic addict that needs more than a handful of meetings a week to maintain my sobriety.)

With life's success taking me to a future I could not have imagined, working long hours as a lawyer at one of Canada's oldest and most reputable law firms in order to support my family and give them the luxuries I thought they wanted and deserved, I turned my back on A.A. I could not imagine taking myself away from my family during the admittedly few family hours my professional responsibilities afforded me. Thus, I made a conscious decision not to attend A.A. in the community we had just moved to. (My second great mistake in A.A.)

For the next 4 and 1/2 years, I held it together as best I could before falling into a profound depression that cost me all that I had worked for, and which nearly cost me my life. In and out of psychiatric wards for the next eighteen months of this tortured sobriety, my life, my family and my career fell apart. All without taking a drink or drugs.

(In his Step Three essay in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Bill W. writes: "More sobriety brought about by the admission of alcoholism and attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed, but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a happy and contented life.") (Emphasis added.)

Fortunately, in October of 2003 the best-friend of my first sponsor (who had passed away when I was only 5 years sober) heard I was in trouble and left me a telephone message. I would not return that message until January of 2004 (after a botched suicide attempt), but when I did my sponsor's friend hit the nail on the head: I had become a dry drunk. He took me to an unforgettable A.A. meeting, and forthwith I got a new sponsor and joined a group in the community I was living in, having been separated from my wife and my role as a full-time father

I attended A.A. on a daily basis thereafter. Fourteen-and-a-half years clean and sober, but without a clue as to how the program of Alcoholics Anonymous worked though, as I mentioned, I had gone through the entire Twelve Steps several times in my early, ineffective years in the Fellowship. I had been held back by the prejudice and contempt I had for all matters religious or spiritual.

My new sponsor -  a man who drank at 15 years of sobriety, but had once again reached that threshold - took me through the Steps once more, getting me all the way to Step Seven before he succumbed to cancer. Little did I know that there were other old-timers watching me, and watching me continue to suffer because I did not have a God of my own understanding. (Although I wished to believe in a Higher Power, I could not find one of my own understanding, prejudiced as my thinking was by my understanding of science. I needed a Higher Power that was compatible with what I knew of both psychology and science.)

Fourteen years clean and sober, with my life in shreds and acutely feeling the demise of both my marriage and a brief fling with a very lovely woman, my best A.A. friend and I were out looking for a new apartment for me to live in. On finding and renting the perfect apartment for me, my friend and I went to celebrate by having lunch on a nearby patio. My friend is an interesting and talkative man, so I just listened to him talk as I basked in the incredible feeling of peace, ease of mind and well-being I was enjoying as a result of our morning's work.

Suddenly, however, I stopped listening to my friend and my thoughts turned I know not where, likely to my family or my recent failed relationship. It does not matter, for what I felt as soon as I turned my mind from what my buddy was saying to my own thoughts a wave of great fear washed over me from head to toe. I knew then that my problem was an inside problem, and that the solution to it must somehow also be an inside job.

Several days later, one of the old-timers who had been watching me saw that I was through suffering. (He had been urged by another friend to talk to me, but his reply was, "No. He hasn't done suffering yet.") Approaching me, he offered to lend me a book: Eric Butterworth's "Discover the Power Within You." It was the first book of a spiritual nature (including all the books A.A. had published) that I read with an entirely open mind and new perspective. It was the first book of a spiritual bent in which I did not throw away the 'baby' of those things I could understand and believe with the 'bathwater' of concepts that were beyond my understandings and belief.

A day later, this old-timer and I spent about four hours going through the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous and discussing our mutual experiences. It was not a thorough dissection of the 'Big Book.' Rather, it was an exposition of some of the principle parts of our basic text that I would need to understand if I were to progress spiritually. The main sections he discussed with me were:

• Page 23: "(T)he main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind

• Page 55: "We found that Great Reality (i.e., the God of our own understanding) deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that it can be found." 

• Page 567: "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. . . . Most of us think that this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. . . . Our more religious members call it God-consciousness." (Emphasis added.)

True sobriety, I was shown, is a matter of replacing the self-conscious stream of thinking in our minds ('self' or the human 'ego') with a greater awareness and higher consciousness - one unaffected by the seeming duality and separateness of the human ego and our ego-centric thinking.

The "first and most significant mistake" I had made so long ago then became clear to me: Instead of asking my first sponsor what God is, I should have asked what "self" is. After all, it was only a Power greater than my "self" that I would need in order to restore me to sanity, not the God of some of the more perverse religious teachings. It is only once we know, understand, address and overcome the workings of the ego/self through meditation and prayer that we can understand God, Allah, Brahman Bhudda-nature, or whatever you may wish to call It. Indeed, I know that it was only then that I, a former atheist, came to believe and then to experience God's presence within and all around me.

Most helpful, was the following passage from the eminent theologian, Paul Tillich, which was included in Butterworths' "Discover the Power Within You." (Tillich was a friend and colleague of Reinhold Niebuhr, the man who wrote our Serenity Prayer.) In a book of his collected sermons, Tillich talks directly to the atheist about the "depths" of his or her being:

"The wisdom of all ages and of all continents speaks about the road to our depth," Tillich notes. "It has been described in innumerably different ways. But all those who have been concerned - mystics and priests, poets and philosophers, simple people and educated - with that road through confession, lonely self-scrutiny, internal or external catastrophes, prayer, contemplation, have witnessed to the same experience. They have found they are not what what they believed themselves to be, even after a deeper level had appeared to them below the vanishing surface. That deeper level itself became surface, when a still deeper level was discovered, this happening again and again, as long as their lives, as long as they kept on the road to their depth. . . . "

"The name of this infinite and inexhaustible depth and ground of all being," he continues, "is God. That depth is what the word God means. . . . For if you know that God means depth, you know much about him. You cannot then call yourself an atheist or an unbeliever. For you cannot think or say: Life has no depth! Life itself is shallow. If you could say this in complete seriousness, you would be an atheist; but otherwise you are not. He who knows about depth knows about God."

[Paul Tillich, "The Shaking of the Foundations," Scribners, pp. 56-57.]

That "depth" is an ever-increasing refinement of  consciousness, a consciousness that is inextricably entwined with all matter. In its purest form it is God. "When we became alcoholics," we read in the 'Big Book,' "crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" I faced that proposition and came to know that God is, in fact, everything - the manifest and the unmanifested, everything within and everything without all beings and even matter itself.

Having experienced the higher consciousness ( or "God-consciousness") that underlies but is obscured by the ego/self, I came not only to believe, but know, that there is a "Power greater than ourselves" that can restore us to sanity. While I may not understand that higher consciousness in all its facets, I know that it is there at every moment. It is "by self-forgetting" that it is found, and found in the last place most people would think to look for it: "deep down within every man, woman and child."

On Ego as One's Sense of Self

ego / n. (pl. -os) 1 Metaphysics a conscious thinking subject. 2 Psychology the part of the mind that reacts to reality and has a sense of individuality. 3 a sense of self-esteem.

 self / n., adj. & verb (pl. selves) 1 a person's or thing's own individuality or essence (showed his true self). 2 a person or thing as the object of introspection or reflexive action (the consciousness of self). 3 a one's own interests and pleasures (cares of nothing but self) b concentration on these (self is a bad guide to happiness). . . .

[Source: Concise Oxford English Dictionary.]

The Twelve Steps are a process designed to bring about "ego deflation at depth." It is critical, therefore, to understand from the start just what "ego" is. Popularly, "ego" is seen as "pride" or "a sense of self esteem," but in recovery and recovery literature "ego" is used (as above) to denote the individual as "a conscious thinking subject" and/or "that part of the mind that reacts to reality and has a sense of individuality." As such, the term "ego" is used interchangeably with the term "self" (including its derivatives, "yourself,"  "themselves," "ourselves," etc.) to denote a person's sense of "individuality."

"Ego" as a person's "sense of self-esteem," on the other hand, is not used in recovery literature. Rather,  "ego" as a sense of "pride" or "self esteem" is seen as one of the individual's defects of character and is discussed in depth as such in the Step Seven essay in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, where it is examined as the first of "the Seven Deadly Sins" - pride, greed, anger, lust, gluttony, envy and sloth.

Unfortunately for the individual who is new in recovery, "ego" and "pride" are often confused and discussed as one and the same concept, while "ego" as a person's "conscious thinking subject" or his or her sense of "self" is overlooked. This, despite "selfishness" and "self-centeredness" (rather than "pride" or "self-esteem") being clearly identified as the primary problem of the alcoholic addict (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62).

"The main problem of the alcoholic," we read at page 22 of the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, "centers in his mind, rather than his body." Thereafter, we are shown that we need to establish (and resolutely improve) a conscious contact with "a Power greater than ourselves" - i.e., greater than our egos - that will relieve our alcoholic addiction and restore us to sanity. We are shown, therefore, that we need to tap into a deeper consciousness than that of our ordinary ego consciousness if we are to recover. Fortunately, that is precisely what the Twelve Steps are designed to achieve.

In describing the purpose of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the author (at page 45) writes:

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a Power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?"

"(T)hat's exactly what this book is about," we read. "It's main object is to enable you to find a Power that is greater than yourself which will solve your problem."

The 'how' of finding a Power greater than one's self or ego is straightforward: it is the surrender, self-survey and house-cleaning set out in the Twelve Steps. The 'where' of finding a Higher Power is similarly straightforward, although it may run counter to many of the beliefs we have been raised with. Rather than looking 'out there' or 'up there' for a God of our own understanding, we are directed to look 'within.' Thus, at page 55 of the 'Big Book,' we read:

"(D)eep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that Power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself."

"We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found." (Emphasis added.)

"With few exceptions," we read in the Spiritual Experience appendix to the 'Big Book', "our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it God-consciousness." (Emphasis added.)

God-consciousness, rather than self-consciousness (or ego-consciousness) is thus the solution to our dilemma. A "new state of consciousness and being" (as described at page 107 of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) as distinct from the "calamity, pomp and worship of other things" central to the ego, allows us to think, say and do what we were incapable of doing before. It relieves the irritability, restlessness and discontent that characterizes the ordinary, self-consciousness of the alcoholic addict when not drinking or using.

Through working the Twelve Steps, and by practicing meditation, prayer and contemplation, we are thus relieved of "the bondage of self" from which we sought escape with alcohol and/or drugs, and we emerge (however briefly and sporadically at first) into a new consciousness of being devoid of ego, seeking daily to improve our conscious contact with God.

Three Delusions and a Few Conclusions

"(T)he main problem of the alcoholic," we read in the 'Big Book,' "centers in the mind." Why is this apparently so? Firstly, the alcoholic addict may harbor the delusion that, against all evidence, one day he or she may be able to control and enjoy his or her drinking once again. Secondly, there is the delusion that he or she is like other people, or one day will be. And thirdly, there is the delusion that he or she may be able "to wrest satisfaction and happiness out of life" if only he manages well.

The first of these delusions, that the alcoholic addict is one day going to be able to control and enjoy his drinking is belied by the evidence, both personal and anecdotal. No one but the alcoholic addict him or herself can effectually make the diagnosis that he or she is indeed alcoholic. Yet we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous that if when drinking you have little or no control over how much you imbibe, or you find that you cannot quit entirely on your own, you are probably alcoholic. Only the alcoholic addict can honestly answer those questions for him or her self. Anecdotally, medical doctors have established that the the phenomenon of craving for more and more booze when a person drinks is limited to one class of drinkers only - alcoholics.

Personally, I know that when I drank (or, in my case, used drugs) I always craved more and more, and that when I wasn't drinking or drugging, my mind was obsessed with just how and when I was going to be able to do so again.  I couldn't control how much I took, nor could I quit entirely on my own, and I thus remain convinced, even after twenty-odd years clean and sober, that I am both physically and mentally alcoholic. The delusion that one day I might be able to drink (or drug) like normal people who do not do so addictively has been smashed.

The delusion that I am like other people, or one day may be, is a delusion that is more subtle and persistent, however. I am not like other people, nor will I be, so far as booze or drugs is concerned, but am I not so in all other respects? Yes, but not exactly.

"Most people," we read at page 60 in the 'Big Book,' "try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like the actor who wants to run the show, is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way." In this respect, we alcoholic addicts, I have come to see are like other people, only more so. Happily, but cautiously, I can say that I am no different from other people in this respect: but most importantly, I know that I am.

An attitude of selfishness, self-centeredness and self-consciousness - the underlying ego identification with whatever we are thinking at the time - we read over and over in the 'Big Book' is the underlying problem of the alcoholic addict. We pray to be relieved of "the bondage of self," we make an accurate moral self-survey and share it, we make amends where possible for the harm we have done when acting on self, and we acknowledge that we are self-centered as we endeavor to be freed from the character defects which make us this way.

This is both a curse and a blessing. Acknowledging that we are "self-centered to the extreme," we can look around and see that most other people are merely 'extremely self-centered.' For most 'normal' people, their self-centeredness works to a greater or lesser degree - and it is usually the latter. But for the alcoholic addict whose two solutions to the innate irritability, restlessness and discontent of egoic self-consciousness is either to drink (and/or drug) or to seek a spiritual solution that will provide us with ease and comfort, such self-centerdeness is, we read, "infinitely grave." Shattering the delusion that we are like other people, or some day will be, is thus imperative if we are to make changes in our lives so that down the road (and, many times, years down the road) we do not run into a seemingly intractable situation in which our only alternative looks like a drink.

On the other hand, knowing that so-called 'normal people' are also predominantly self-centered (or egocentric) confers advantages upon the alcoholic addict in recovery. It allows us to understand the oftentimes peculiar motivations that drives others, it allows us to truly forgive others for their actions that may have hurt us, it allows us to make amends for harm done where we can, and when we are wrong it allows us to promptly admit it. We all, it turns out, have feet of clay.

Lastly, the delusion that we will be able to "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of life" if only we manage well also has to go by the boards. Each of us (and all our loved ones) will struggle, age, get sick and eventually die. Self-centered 'normal' folks will continue to step on our toes. The unexpected will continue to happen. The best laid plans will continue to go awry, and life will continue to be inherently unmanageable. Neither sobriety nor spirituality will make life "manageable." But working the Twelve Steps, if practiced diligently, will make life "acceptable" to us if we allow ourselves to "Let Go and Let God." "Mastery of life," noted an enlightened man, "is the opposite of control."

"Here is the how and the why of it," we read at page 62 of the 'Big Book.' "First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas," we read, "are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom."

We will not be able to control and enjoy our drinking one day, we are not like other people, and our lives do not become manageable by us. The acceptance of these facts of our lives, together with accurate self-survey, prayer, meditation and selfless service to others, however, allows us to live full, God-conscious, productive and loving lives.

Higher Consciousness and a New State of Being

"When a man or a woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he has now become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his own unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being. He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered. In a very real sense he has been transformed, because he has laid hold of a source of strength which, in one way or another, he had hitherto denied himself." (Emphasis added.)

-- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 106-107 --

Spiritual awakening, as mystics, philosophers and sages have recognized for millennia, amounts to a "new state of consciousness and being," As Carl Jung describes it in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous: "Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them." Yet such a seemingly new state of consciousness and being is not something foreign to any of us. It is innate.

In the Spiritual Experience Appendix (added in the second edition of the 'Big Book' when there were approximately 150,000 alcoholic addicts in recovery) we read that: "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves." "Most of us," we continue to read, "think this awareness of a power greater than themselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness."" (Emphasis added.)

Once one recognizes that the fundamental problem of the alcoholic addict is not booze and/or drugs but "self" (or the ordinary human "ego") - and that booze and or drugs were but artificial, and therefore temporary, solutions to the existential problems of self-consciousness that ultimately failed to work anymore - then one becomes truly able to believe that there is a Power greater than one's "self" that will restore sanity.

It is not that sanity has disappeared per se, but rather that it has become lost to the sufferer. He or she can no longer effect a conscious contact with a Power greater than him or herself which will restore her to sanity. The "unsuspected inner resource" which exists within all of us - the peace and quiet of mind of a higher consciousness - has been obscured by the calamitous, pompous and outwardly focused and worshipful inner dialogue of the ego. "Ego deflation at depth" is, thus, required so that the sufferer can effect a conscious contact with this Higher Power and then turn his or her will and life over to the God of his or her own understanding.

Meditation and prayer are essential to reconnect to this inner core of our being, but the accurate self survey and sharing of our moral inventory are equally necessary to mute our "old ideas, emotions and attitudes." In completing and sharing our moral inventory, by "admitting to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs," certain things happen. "We can look the world in the eye," we read. "We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 75.)

By building on this newfound spiritual experience, by asking for the courage and humility to face the people we have harmed, by making restitution (where possible) for wrongs done, we transform our inner experience. More and more we can be alone and not be prey to the punishing and unrelenting inner dialogue of the egoic self. We move from being utterly self-conscious to potentially God-conscious people.

Yet this "new state of consciousness and being" requires practice if we are to perfect it. When we are wrong - that is, when we act upon the dictates of our lower self rather than those of our higher being - we can promptly admit it and make restitution if harm has been done. Thereby, by conscious and continual attention to just what we are thinking and doing, we continue to deflate the ego and to reinforce our Higher Self.

Most importantly, by the practice of meditation we improve our ability to attain to this new state of consciousness and being, and when we fall short, we pray to be relieved of "the bondage of self." By practicing these basic principles in all our affairs, this hitherto "unsuspected inner resource" truly becomes a working part of our consciousness, and we are indeed transformed.

Know Thyself - Know Peace

"While the purpose of making restitution to others is paramount, it is equally necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can. Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight. We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have found, will pay - and pay handsomely."

-- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 80 --

The essential problem of the alcoholic addict, is his or her identification with a seemingly separate sense of "self" (i.e., the human "ego"). Over and over in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous we read various iterations of the simple fact that "selfishness, self-centeredness . . . is the root of our problem." As "actors" in the drama of life we find that we have been, like so-called "normal folks," quite egocentric.

In active addiction the alcoholic addict essentially drinks and or uses drugs to get out of his or her "self." Thus, in recovery he or she must find means - spiritual means, at that - to find real and lasting relief from the "punishing inner dialogue" of the "ego" (i.e., relief from the separated "self"), a sense of relief that seemed to come so readily, if temporarily, from booze or drugs while they still worked for us.

We do not, as too many are mistakenly told, first make amends to ourselves in order to achieve this. Rather, we make a list of all those we have harmed in order to make amends to them, wherever and whenever possible. It is in making restitution to these people that we overcome the resentments, remorse and regrets that feed the inner dialogue of "self." With this accomplished, we can more deeply and easily see how the desires and fears that fueled such resentments, remorse and regrets distorted our character. "Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations" will, indeed, "deepen our insight" into these underlying flaws.

Over the entrance to the Temple of the Oracle of Delphi, the most sacred site in Ancient Egypt, were chiselled the words "Know Thyself." Since "self" in its many different guises is the root cause of our problems, this ages-old advice remains apt.

We see in constructing our resentments list how the actions of others have impinged on our physical security, emotional security, personal relationships and sex relations. We have seen how such impingements on our basic desires have engendered great fears. And, we have also taken stock of the role we played in the events that led to such resentments.

Making restitution for our wrongful actions leaves us free to work on the self-centered fears and selfish desires that have warped our character. We come to know our lower "selves" and in knowingly turning our lives over to the care of a Power greater than our lower "selves" - i.e., to the "God of our own understanding" - we come to know a deeper Self beyond the ego. It is in that knowledge that we come to know our own inner divinity, that we come to know that we have never actually been separated from others or from God, and that we come to know peace.

To "Know Thyself" is, thus, in essence, to experience God-consciousness and to know God. And, in reestablishing and improving our conscious contact with "the God of our own understanding" we are, in effect, "reborn."

Love and the Eleventh Step Prayer

"Be the captive of Love in order that you may be truly free - free from coldness and the worship of self. Thousands have passed who were wise and learned but who were strangers to Love. No name is left of them, nothing to proclaim their fame and dignity or to relate their history in the march of time. Although you may attempt to do a hundred things in this world, only Love will give you release from the bondage of yourself."

-- Jami --
("Essential Sufism," p. 115.)

 "When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade," we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous (at page 53), "we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?"

If we truly wish to be relieved of the "bondage of self," we must humbly take the position that God is, indeed, everything - that everything we perceive proceeds from, is, and is of, God. This position of non-duality allows us to truly embrace Step Three. We can be assured that our lives (and the world) are all part of a Unitive Whole that mystics, teachers and sages from all the world's great wisdom traditions have identified with a Power greater than themselves.

The great teacher of mystical Islam, the Sufi poet Jami, (above), like the Scriptures, equates this Higher Power with 'Love.' Thus, it is no mere coincidence that in our Eleventh Step Prayer (i.e., the Prayer of Saint Francis, a man profoundly influenced by Sufi teachings) we pray: "Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted - to understand, than to be understood - to love, than to be loved."

Simple on its face, this aspiration is profound in its implications. It is an appeal to have our narrow self-consciousness lifted to an entire new plane - that of a transcendental Love, without conditions or even objects. "For," we affirm, "it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by dying (to self, or the ego) that one awakens to Eternal Life."

To love, in the sense meant by Jami, St. Francis, and so many other saints, sages and spiritual teachers, is to truly turn one's will and one's life over to the power of God as we understand Him, to die to self and awaken to the Eternal Self that is the core of our inner existence, to die before dying.

Am I truly ready to take this greatest leap of faith, to truly put aside once and for all reliance on my own narrow self-will? This, it seems, is the central question of recovery, recovery from all of our addictions and from our obsessive, self-centered, lower consciousness.

"We Were Reborn"

"This is the how and why of it. First of all we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal, we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom."

"When we sincerely took this position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life."

"As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear or today, tomorrow, and the hereafter. We were reborn."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 62-63 --

Continuing the analogy of "the actor," the basic text observes that as we come to believe that there is "a Power greater than ourselves" that can restore us to sanity, that we can find a new "Director" in life, and that we can, in fact, "be reborn." What, then, are we to make of such promises?

In the Step One essay in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions we read that we have so "warped our minds" with the obsession for drinking that "only an act of Providence can remove it from us." Thus, unless the obsession to drink is lifted, we are doomed to go on drinking. However, we are also told that there is something already provided and established within us - i.e., "Providence" - that can remove the obsession to drink. Our task, then is to tap into this "unsuspected inner resource." To do so is to be "reborn." How, then, is this to be accomplished?

First, it seems, we must acknowledge that there is in each of us (i.e., "deep down within every man woman and child") a spark of the Divine. Although in nearly every instance this Inner Divinity is covered over and obscured by the unrelenting thoughts of the egoic self-consciousness that has firmly rooted itself during our active addiction - and, perhaps, beyond - it is there. Our job, then, is to get past "the calamity, pomp and worship of other things" that obscures our true being. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55.) This is the purpose of the first three of A.A.'s Twelve Steps.

Recognizing our own Inner Divinity (literally 're-cognizing,' or becoming 'cognizant of' once again) is to re-establish a conscious contact with "the God of our own understanding." It is to recognize that there are many inner realities, the Primary Reality being that we are part of a Unitive Whole. This is, indeed, Providence, as it is innate within each of us. Learning what separates us from this Providence, however, requires an inner housekeeping. "Trust God, clean house, and help others." we are often reminded. This inner housecleaning (and keeping our "inner house" clean), in turn, is the purpose of Steps Four through Ten - i.e. the second phase of the Twelve Steps.

Finally, if we are to "be reborn," we must learn to live life on a different basis, and within our newly rediscovered higher God-consciousness. To do so, we are warned again and again, we must be free of self. Thus, we devote ourselves to how we can contribute to life and help others, rather than focusing on what we can drag out of life in order to gratify our narrow, self-conscious egos.

It is in endeavouring to live life on this Higher Plane, that we truly express the God-consciousness that Providence has provided each of us with, irrespective of how others act. It is a large and elusive existential challenge, but in the end, it is the challenge of our lives. Before, we unknowingly tried to seek and maintain a higher consciousness by getting high on alcohol and/or drugs. Now, we seek to attain to a natural Higher Consciousness by consciously striving for the Divine in reality. In doing so, we are reborn to our natural lives, and to the highest challenge that any of us can meet.  "We are," indeed, "reborn."

The Small Self

"It is our ignorance that makes us think that our self, as self, is real, that it has complete meaning in itself. When we take that wrong view of self, then we try to live in such a manner as to make self the ultimate object of our life. Then we are doomed to disappointment, like the man who tries to reach his destination by firmly clutching the dust of the road. Our self has no means of holding us, for its own nature is to pass on, and by clinging to this thread of self which is passing through the loom of life, we cannot make it serve the purpose of the cloth into which it is being woven."

-- Rabindranath Tagore --
("Sadhana")

 Self manifested in numerous different ways - self-absorption, self-centeredness, selfishness, self-consciousness, egocentricity, etc. - is, we are told, the real problem of the alcoholic addict. Alcohol and/or drug abuse is a symptom of this underlying problem. Thus, we chase an illusory freedom from self each time we drink or use. While it is still effective we gain a temporary reprieve from the "punishing inner dialogue" of our smaller self. Yet, each such time the effects wear off and we return to an identification with a sense of self that is ever larger, ever stronger, and ever more painful. We are, in effect, living to make self-satisfaction "the ultimate object of life," and we are "doomed to disappointment," as Tagore notes (above).

"So our troubles," we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous, "are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme case of self-will run riot, though he ususally doesn't think so. Above everything," we are warned, " we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!"

Harsh words, but it is a universal truth - for alcoholic addicts and so-called normal people alike. So long as we hold onto, and are identified with, our small selves, we cling to the dust in the road mistaking it for our destination. We cling onto a single thread in a life that is otherwise a tapestry. For the non-alcoholic addict, such clinging leads to a life of frustration and suffering. To the alcoholic addict, it leads back to the bottle, the bag, and eventually the hospital, the psych ward, jail or the morgue.

As alcoholic addicts, we are powerless over booze and drugs, and our lives are unmanageable. But there is one who has all power. That one is God, may you find Him now! For in finding God we awaken to the divinity within, to a greater Self than that of the narrow, egoic self Tagore writes of. And with this Power greater than our narrow self, we are enabled to "trudge the happy road of destiny," rather than clutching vainly to the dust we kick up along the way.

Tagore, the first East Indian to win the Nobel Prize for literature, puts it this way:

"I went out alone
on the way to my tryst,
but who is this 'me' in the dark?
I step aside to avoid his presence,
but I escape him not.
He makes the dust rise
from the earth with his swagger.
He adds his loud voice to every word I utter.
He is my own little self, my Lord.
He knows no shame.
But I am ashamed
to come to thy door in his company."

-- Rabindranath Tagore --
        ("Gitanjali")

The Main Problem of the Alcoholic Centers in the Mind

"All (types of alcoholics) . . . have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, "The Doctor's Opinion," p. xxx --

The physiological basis of alcoholism has been confirmed by many studies since the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous was written. But, as the 'Big Book' tells us, this would all be moot if the alcoholic addict never took a drink in the first place. Therefore, the problem appears to be both genetic and environmental, both nature and nurture. Instant (or gradual) alcoholic? Just add booze. Indeed, at page 23 of the 'Big Book,' we read:

"These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. (Emphasis added.)

The alcoholic, we read, drinks chiefly for the effect. He or she likes the experience of being under the influence of booze more than being sober. It is no mere coincidence, then, that a spiritual experience - an awakening of spirit - has proven effective in relieving alcoholism. As Carl Jung pointed out in his letter to Bill W., "Alcohol in Latin is "spiritus" and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: "spiritus contra spiritum.""

Of course. it was Jung's work with Rowland H. which was where "the taproot" which would become A.A. "first hit water." Jung's conversation with Rowland H. is set out at pages 26 and 27 in the 'Big Book.' And, helpfully, at page 27 Jung describes what the essential factors of the "vital spiritual experiences' which have relieved alcoholism are. "Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding force of these (alcoholic) men," he points out, "are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

"Ideas," of course, are our thoughts, while "emotions" are the feelings that results from these thoughts. An "attitude," in turn, is a "way of thinking" and "behaviour reflecting this." (Oxford English Dictionary.) Thus, the relief of the problem of the alcoholic - centering as it does in his or her mind - is a completely new way of thinking, a completely new set of "conceptions and motives" (i.e., thoughts and attitudes). Indeed, the common solution that most sober A.A. members have found (irrespective of whether they may recognize or describe it as such) is a new state of consciousness and being, a state of God-consiousness rather than self-consciousness, that begins to dominate our thinking.

In the 'Spiritual Experience' appendix to the 'Big Book," we read:

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

"Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it God-consciousness."

"(W)e are now on a new basis," we read at page 68 of the 'Big Book.' "the basis of trusting and relying on God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely upon on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."

Thus, we see that attaining and maintaining a new theocentric attitude to replace our normal, egocentric thinking, is the key to relieving the problem of the alcoholic addict which centers in his or her mind. As Jung pointed out to Bill Wilson, "The helpful formula therefore is: "spiritus contra spiritum."" Inspired (or "in spirit") we are enabled to lead sane and productive, sober lives.

No Longer Running the Show

"We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves."

~ Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 87-88 ~

Prayer and meditation need not be confined solely to specific times of daily practice; in fact, the effectiveness of the A.A. program depends upon how consistently we remember to let go of self and revert to the God-consciousness we discover in meditation. Contemplation, as this process is often labelled, is practicing the presence of God in our lives. The contemplative, as suggested above, does not seek "to arrange life" to suit him or herself, but rather intuitively acts in accordance with what he or she is presented with.

No more are we "the actor" who needs to run the whole show, manage the lights, the ballet, and the scenery. etc. Rather, we play the role that is assigned to us. And how do we know what is assigned for us to do? If God is, indeed, everything, life itself will present us with the opportunity to act and the ability to act rightly. What we have to do is to forget self and intuitively respond to what we are presented with - responding not in accordance to emotionally-driven and self-centered thinking, but in accordance with an "inner teacher" which is the root of intuitive thought.

"With few exceptions," we read in the Spiritual Experience appendix, "our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves." Our challenge, irrespective of the situation in which we find ourselves, is to act in accordance with this inner resource.