Not Like Other People . . . But More So

 ". . . (T)hinking without awareness," writes spiritual teacher/author, Eckhart Tolle, "is the main dilemma of human existence."

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Many years from my last drink, but only one warped train of thought and fatal decision away from my next, Tolle's observation rings true and is, perhaps, the clearest and most concise description of the mechanical nature of the human ego. Why is this important for, and so aptly applicable to, the alcohol addict? The simple answer is because (as we read at page 23 in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous)" the main problem of the alcoholic centres in his mind, rather than his body."

Later in the 'Big Book' we come to understand that we must see through the false illusion that one day we will be able to once again "control and enjoy our drinking." We are also told at this point that we must get rid of the delusion that "we are like other people, or one day will be." ('Big Book', page 30.) A full understanding of the second of these delusions enables us to more easily practice the 'meat' of the program.

In one sense this second delusion is right. We have exhibited a progressive addiction to alcohol, and in A.A.'s experience it is fatal and progressive. It does not get better. The old adage that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber holds true. We have long experience in our fellowship - too many at the funerals we have attended - that shows alcoholic drinkers do not turn into moderate or social drinkers. In respect to the consumption of alcohol, we are not like other people. They will be fine if they have a couple of drinks, while the odds are steep that if we do so, we will quickly get very sick and, perhaps, die.

In other matters, however, it seems to me that we are exactly like other people, perhaps only more so. The third delusion the 'Big Book' discusses is in the description of "the actor" on pages 60-62. Here, the 'Big Book' notes that "(m)ost people try to live by self-propulsion, that each person is like an actor that wants to run the whole show. . ." (Emphasis added.)

And what is the "basic problem" of each such person (alcoholic addict and non-addict alike)? "Is he not really a self-seeker," we read on (page 61), "even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" (Emphasis added.)

Still speaking about most people, in general, the 'Big Book' observes that "(s)elfishness (and) self- centeredness is the root of our troubles." "Driven by a hundred forms of self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity," it points out, "we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

And what is "self" - what is "ego" - if it is not the "thinking without awareness" Tolle describes, above? What is "ego" or "self" if it not the incessant chatter of the mind, the "painful inner dialogue" and "terrifying ghosts" of the past that the vast majority of all people suffer from?

Look at the nightly news, pick up a newspaper, read the history of the modern world, and it becomes readily and quickly apparent that most people, even whole nations, are "driven by" a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity." Whole industries, not least the advertising industry, are founded upon this curious human trait of ego identification. In this respect, alcoholic addicts and  non-addicts alike suffer from the same dysfunctional mindset, mode of thinking, and method of interacting with the world. (Psychologically, it seems that each man is an island, despite the famous caution that no man is.)

"(O)ur troubles, we think, are basically of our own making," we read. "They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so." ('Big Book', page 62.)

Thus, in one respect - i.e., with respect to the consumption of  alcohol - "we are not like other people," nor will we ever be. In all other respects, however - i.e., in how each of us tries to "manage" life well in order to "wrest satisfaction and happiness" out of it - we are just like other people only, perhaps, more so. Most people are self-centered (that is, ego-centric) and do not know they possess an 'inner center' beyond the limited egoic self. "Alcoholics," we read at page 24 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, are "self-centered in the extreme." Other, so-called 'normal' people, it seems to me, are just 'extremely self-centered.'

Why is it important for us to understand that apart from the alcoholic addiction we are just like other people, only perhaps more so? Principally because it allows us to get over the deep resentments that have crippled us in our relationships to others and, thus, fueled our alcoholism. If we understand that other people are, for the most part, identified with and driven by their own egoic way of thinking - of "thinking without awareness" - then we can more readily realize "that the people who harmed us were perhaps spiritually sick." ('Big Book,' page 66.)

Realizing that most people are just as driven by their ego-centric mode of interacting with the world as we are, and while not liking "their symptoms and the way these (disturb) us," allows us not to react, but rather respond to them with "tolerance, pity and patience," perhaps, even with love. ('Big Book,' page 67.) Recognizing that virtually all people suffer from the same human dilemma of mistaking their smaller selves or egos for their true identity allows us to more readily forgive others for what they have done to us (and in that process to receive inner forgiveness for what we have done to others.)

Next time someone "offends" you, makes a mistake in traffic, follows too closely, forgets to signal a turn, or whatever, instead of rushing to judgement, realize that he or she is more likely than not just as caught up in the stream of unconscious self-consciousness as we usually are. And don't get sucked into your own inner and egoic dialogue about them. Practicing this non-judgmental identification with the egoic suffering of others is a key to freedom from "the bondage of self," a practice that lies at the heart of "self-forgetting."

Three Delusions and a Few Conclusions

"(T)he main problem of the alcoholic," we read in the 'Big Book,' "centers in the mind." Why is this apparently so? Firstly, the alcoholic addict may harbor the delusion that, against all evidence, one day he or she may be able to control and enjoy his or her drinking once again. Secondly, there is the delusion that he or she is like other people, or one day will be. And thirdly, there is the delusion that he or she may be able "to wrest satisfaction and happiness out of life" if only he manages well.

The first of these delusions, that the alcoholic addict is one day going to be able to control and enjoy his drinking is belied by the evidence, both personal and anecdotal. No one but the alcoholic addict him or herself can effectually make the diagnosis that he or she is indeed alcoholic. Yet we read in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous that if when drinking you have little or no control over how much you imbibe, or you find that you cannot quit entirely on your own, you are probably alcoholic. Only the alcoholic addict can honestly answer those questions for him or her self. Anecdotally, medical doctors have established that the the phenomenon of craving for more and more booze when a person drinks is limited to one class of drinkers only - alcoholics.

Personally, I know that when I drank (or, in my case, used drugs) I always craved more and more, and that when I wasn't drinking or drugging, my mind was obsessed with just how and when I was going to be able to do so again.  I couldn't control how much I took, nor could I quit entirely on my own, and I thus remain convinced, even after twenty-odd years clean and sober, that I am both physically and mentally alcoholic. The delusion that one day I might be able to drink (or drug) like normal people who do not do so addictively has been smashed.

The delusion that I am like other people, or one day may be, is a delusion that is more subtle and persistent, however. I am not like other people, nor will I be, so far as booze or drugs is concerned, but am I not so in all other respects? Yes, but not exactly.

"Most people," we read at page 60 in the 'Big Book,' "try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like the actor who wants to run the show, is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way." In this respect, we alcoholic addicts, I have come to see are like other people, only more so. Happily, but cautiously, I can say that I am no different from other people in this respect: but most importantly, I know that I am.

An attitude of selfishness, self-centeredness and self-consciousness - the underlying ego identification with whatever we are thinking at the time - we read over and over in the 'Big Book' is the underlying problem of the alcoholic addict. We pray to be relieved of "the bondage of self," we make an accurate moral self-survey and share it, we make amends where possible for the harm we have done when acting on self, and we acknowledge that we are self-centered as we endeavor to be freed from the character defects which make us this way.

This is both a curse and a blessing. Acknowledging that we are "self-centered to the extreme," we can look around and see that most other people are merely 'extremely self-centered.' For most 'normal' people, their self-centeredness works to a greater or lesser degree - and it is usually the latter. But for the alcoholic addict whose two solutions to the innate irritability, restlessness and discontent of egoic self-consciousness is either to drink (and/or drug) or to seek a spiritual solution that will provide us with ease and comfort, such self-centerdeness is, we read, "infinitely grave." Shattering the delusion that we are like other people, or some day will be, is thus imperative if we are to make changes in our lives so that down the road (and, many times, years down the road) we do not run into a seemingly intractable situation in which our only alternative looks like a drink.

On the other hand, knowing that so-called 'normal people' are also predominantly self-centered (or egocentric) confers advantages upon the alcoholic addict in recovery. It allows us to understand the oftentimes peculiar motivations that drives others, it allows us to truly forgive others for their actions that may have hurt us, it allows us to make amends for harm done where we can, and when we are wrong it allows us to promptly admit it. We all, it turns out, have feet of clay.

Lastly, the delusion that we will be able to "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of life" if only we manage well also has to go by the boards. Each of us (and all our loved ones) will struggle, age, get sick and eventually die. Self-centered 'normal' folks will continue to step on our toes. The unexpected will continue to happen. The best laid plans will continue to go awry, and life will continue to be inherently unmanageable. Neither sobriety nor spirituality will make life "manageable." But working the Twelve Steps, if practiced diligently, will make life "acceptable" to us if we allow ourselves to "Let Go and Let God." "Mastery of life," noted an enlightened man, "is the opposite of control."

"Here is the how and the why of it," we read at page 62 of the 'Big Book.' "First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas," we read, "are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we pass to freedom."

We will not be able to control and enjoy our drinking one day, we are not like other people, and our lives do not become manageable by us. The acceptance of these facts of our lives, together with accurate self-survey, prayer, meditation and selfless service to others, however, allows us to live full, God-conscious, productive and loving lives.

Seeking Humility

"Out of suffering may come the transmutation of values, even the transfiguration of character. But these developments are possible only if the man co-operates. If he does not, then the suffering is in vain, fruitless."

-- Paul Brunton --
("Perspectives," page 157.)

In reading through the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous we come to see that selfishness and self-centeredness - i.e., egoism - are the root causes of our addiction, and that "self" or "ego" must be gotten rid of, or at least reduced at depth, if we are to live happy, sane, and productive lives. The shift from living an egocentric life to one that is God-centered is, however, a transition that requires an act of great humility. It is to wholly admit that life is, in fact, unmanageable and to humbly admit that we cannot be rid of our character defects by any action of our own unaided will. It is to admit that that which we had relied upon - our self-will - has failed us. Thus, we read in The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (at page 72),  that "the process of gaining this new perspective is unbelievably painful."

"It was only by repeated humiliations that we were forced to learn something about humility," we read. "It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of grovelling despair."

Fortunately, as philosopher Paul Brunton notes (above), we can co-operate in our own transformation. Indeed, at page 75 of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions we read that "we needn't always be bludgeoned and beaten into humility;" but, rather, that "(i)t could come quite as much from our voluntary reaching for it as it could from unremitting suffering."

 "A great turning point in our lives came," we read, "when we sought for humility as something we really wanted, rather than as something we must have. It marked the time when we could commence to see the full implication of Step Seven: "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.""

Just as honesty means that we don't have to remember our story, so humility means that we do not have to remember our persona, our actor's role. Is humility something I truly want in life? If so, am I willing to let go of my own story?  If I don't, as Brunton notes, all the suffering of my alcoholic addiction will have been in vain.

"In Denial" or Victims of Our "Delusions"?

There is a fundamental difference between the meaning of "denial" and "delusion." Often used interchangeably in discussions, they are not used interchangably in A.A. literature. In fact, "denial," which appears to be oft-discussed in treatment centers (for example, in the sense of denying the effect that one's alcoholic addiction has on others), is not even discussed in the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. On the other hand, three particular delusions are discussed at some length in A.A.'s basic text.

Denial, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is merely "a statement that something is not true," although in its psychological sense, it can mean the usually subconscious "suppression of an unacceptable truth or emotion." Thus, being unable to accept the truth of the harm one has done to others over the course of active addiction, for example, one may deny (consciously or subconsiously) the truth that any harm has been done. In this instance, one is either lying to others (if the denial is conscious), or lying to one's self (if it is subconscious).

Delusion, on the other hand, is defined as "a false belief or impression," while, in its psychological sense it is viewed as "a symptom or form of mental disorder." Irrespective of whether something is true, such as the reality of one's addiction, there is a delusionary but honestly-held belief that it is not true. One is not, in such instance, lying to oneself. Rather in this instance, the alcoholic addict is mentally delusional.

Recalling that the 'Big Book' is explicit in pointing out that "the problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind," and that both alcoholism and addiction are classified as mental illnesses by the medical profession, what is likely to be the reality of the crap floating around in our psyche? Are we simply "in denial," as some like to think; or, are we, in fact, "delusional"?

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There are three specific delusions - each dealing with aspects of the First Step - that are discussed in the 'Big Book.' Two of these instances are discussed on page 30, while the remaining is discussed on page 61.

In the first paragraph of page 30, we read: "The ideas that somehow, someday he will be able to control and enjoy his drinking again is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Although he or she may honestly believe that it is not true at the time, in recovery we come to see that, in fact - despite our knowing or believing it at the time - we were obsessed with controlling and enjoying our drinking, just as much as we physically craved alcohol itself once we started drinking.

In the following paragraph - new idea, new paragraph, new meaning - we read that "(t)he delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." This, of course, can have two meanings. First, it can mean that because of our physical "allergy" to alcohol we will never be able to drink normally. But, second, and more importantly, it also means that as a result of years of addiction, we are quite literally "not like other people." Other people, we will read later, are also like actors who want to run the show (see pages 60-62), but whereas other people may also be selfish and self-centered, the alcoholic addict (thanks to years of practice honing these traits and way of thinking) "is an extreme example of self-will run riot." Others are self-centered, we are extremely so. That is our natural propensity, and it is not going to be overcome without a struggle.

Yet, while the selfishness and self-centeredness of the alcoholic addict may differ in degree from the so-called "normal" person, we share a common delusion: "What is (the actor's) basic trouble?" we are asked. "Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"

Life is inherently unmanageable. We admit this in the second-half of Step One. Problems arise because we get sucked into the delusion that we both have to, and have the ability to, manage life - all of it - even with other self-managing "normal" people pushing back against our arrogant and desperate efforts to manage the whole affair with all their might.

"The description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our stories before and after," we read at page 60 of the 'Big Book', "make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought." (Emphasis added.)

Just to the extent that we entertain the illusion that we will "control and enjoy our drinking," we will continue to drink. Just to the extent that we entertain the delusion that "we are like other people, or one day will be," we will continue to suffer. Just to the extent that we entertain the delusion that we can "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world" if we manage well, we will become insufferable - both to others, and to ourselves.

With true recovery we overcome all these delusions. We realize that we could not and cannot control and enjoy drinking; that we were not and are not like other people; and, we did not and do not need to control and manage life. On these terms, life becomes acceptable to us on its terms - no matter the circumstances - and we find that we can respond to life's circumstances and people instead of blindly reacting to them.

Character Defects: "The Seven Deadly Sins"

As at best an agnostic by natural temperament, I was taken aback (as I suppose many others were) when I first read the characterization of my defects of character as "sins" in Step Four of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Not surprisingly, of course, my objection was one that had been anticipated by Bill W.

With foresight in writing the Step Four essay, Bill presciently observed that "(s)ome will become quite annoyed if there is talk about immorality, let alone sin. But," he reasoned, "all who are in the least reasonable will agree upon one point: that there is plenty wrong with us alcoholics about which plenty will have to be done if we are to expect sobriety, progress and any real ability to cope with life."

Thus, in writing the Step Four essay he settled on the "the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth" as "a universally recognized list of major human failings" that could be used as a yardstick by which we could measure our "shortcomings." (Bill observed elsewhere that there was no distinction in meaning between "character defects" and "shortcomings," stating simply that he did not like to have adjoining sentences ending with the same words.)

Meanwhile, I remained quietly and silently opposed to this characterization of my "shortcomings" as "sins" until it was explained to me by an old-timer, who unbeknownst to me was a retired nun with a Ph.D., that the word "sin" had its origin as a term of art in archery, denoting when an archer missed his target. Thus, when I was beset with one or more of these "deadly sins," it was explained to me, it was a most definite indication that my thoughts rather more than my morals were askew.

Later, in reading "The Gnostic Gospels," by acclaimed biblical historian, Elaine Pagels, I came across the following explanation:

"The New Testament term for sin, hamartia," she notes, "comes from the sport of archery; literally, it means "missing the mark." New Testament sources teach that we suffer distress, mental and physical, because we fail to achieve the moral goal toward which we aim: "all have sinned, and fall short of the Glory of God." (Romans 3:23).

 Thus, when prideful, greedy, angry, etc., it is a clear indication that once again I have lapsed into and identified with my egoic, "self-consciousness." My thinking, centered in "self" or ego, has once again "missed the mark," so to speak.

Note, however, that these "Seven Deadly Sins" are all associated with feelings, emotions and sentiments, rather than with thinking per se. One doesn't think angry, one has thoughts that arouse feelings of anger, which is a subtle but important point.

When entertaining a resentment (which is just the manifestation of a lasting anger), for example, one thinks again of the person or situation that angered him or her in the first place and then re-experiences the same feelings, emotions or sentiments that were aroused before. (Thus, resentment is a re-experiencing or 're-sentiment' of old feelings sparked by entertaining one's old ideas or thoughts.) Similarly, when thinking about how much better or less one is compared to others, one feels pride; when thinking how much one wants something he or she lacks, one feels greedy, etc.

An even more subtle tool for examining our character defects, and one that goes further in helping us understand the root cause of why our thinking "misses the mark," is the list of "the Nine Capital Sins" (sometimes referred to as "the Enneagram") that are compiled in Fr. Richard Rohr's book, "The Naked Now." These consist of:

(1)  The need to be right.
(2)  The need to be needed.
(3)  The need to be successful.
(4)  The need to be special.
(5)  The need to perceive.
(6)  The need to protect self.
(7)  The need to avoid pain.
(8)  The need to be against.
(9)  The need to avoid.

Each of these can breed a fear that the particular "need" will not be fulfilled, thus threatening the ego; and such self-centered fears - "primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded" - are, we know, "the chief activators of our defects."

[The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 76.]

On Humility and Ego

"The average man is not humble; he may appear to be so, but inwardly he sets up mental resistance and barriers, and builds walls of prejudice against the truth. Humility consists in having a perfectly open mind, as though you were a new-born, and being able to receive with complete faith not only the words of those who know, but that which is still more important, that which is behind words, which is Spirit."

[Paul Brunton, "Discover Yourself," p. 68.]

The most leveling, the most humbling experience when we undertake the work of recovery - once we have admitted that life was is and will remain unmanageable -  is most typically taking and sharing a moral inventory.

Yet it is only through this process of self-scrutiny, and sharing its result with another person, that we can begin to deconstruct the root of our difficulty - egoism. We face who we are in front of the God of our own understanding and another person so that we no longer have to keep up the false pretenses we have been living our lives under

"More than most people," we read, "the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 73.]

In the "Co-Founders" pamphlet, Dr. Bob relates how at the very beginning of A.A., when it was just Bill, Bob and Bob's wife, Anne, sitting around their kitchen table in Akron, they found inspiration from the Bible, with the "Beatitudes," I Corinthians 13, and the Book of James being "absolutely essential" as they tried to carve out a life of sobriety and spiritual growth.

"A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways," we read in the Book of James, (James 1:8). Yet, further on, we also find an answer to the double life that we have been leading. "Draw near to God, and God will draw near to you," we read. "Wash clean your hands ye sinners; purify your hearts, ye double minded." (James 4:8).

These passages speak to the process of self-examination that we must go through before we can rid ourselves of the memories, fears and old ideas that are the raw fuel of the ego, the mental clutter which keep us separated and apart from both God and our fellow man.

How can I establish and then improve my conscious contact with a Power greater than my "self," if I am wholly caught up in the self-centeredness of egoic thinking? At that point, when haunted by what lurks in the dark crevasses of my lonely and separated ego, I have conscious contact only with my self and my old ideas and distorted memories.

Being honest, many of us were told, means we no longer have to remember the story. Being truly humbled, I would add, means we never have to remember who to be in any given situation. In this way, and this way only,  can we truly develop and foster a truly "open mind" cleansed from all the "calamity, pomp and worship of other things" that have separated us from our fellow beings and from the perhaps unsuspected Spirit we all have deep down within us.

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55.]

Two Approaches to Anonymity

A controversial article in The New York Times and a thoughtful response on the Huffington Post highlight perhaps the most controversial issue in Alcoholics Anonymous since its founding - anonymity.

The Times article ("Challenging the Second 'A' in A.A.") is at once a  compendium and recital of the famous and would-be famous who have broken their anonymity at a very public level, as well as a calling-into-question of whether maintaining our "personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and film," as A.A.'s 11th Tradition suggests, is an anachronism in the "Information Age." While questioning the need for anonymity at a time when "Celebrity Rehab" is a prime-time reality show and the famous and merely notorious break their and others' anonymity routinely on venues like TMZ, the article wholly ignores the effect and potential effect that a public relapse might have on the alcoholic addict who is still in the throes of his or her addiction. And it is not as if this 'controversy' is new.

Going back in A.A. history, Bill W. recounts how, "(a)t one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level. With perfectly good intent," he recalls, "these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A. pioneering days." (The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 182). The article in the Times, despite its innately controversial subject matter, in all reality breaks very little new ground. Rather, it just reframes an old debate that has dogged us since our early days.

The Huffington Post response, on the other hand, takes a much deeper (and helpful) look at the issue of anonymity, focusing more on the 12th Tradition ("Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."), than on maintaining or breaking one's anonymity "at the level of press, radio and film."

"You're not so much trying to establish your individuality as to let go of your sense of uniqueness," observes the Huffington Post contributor. "When we stop trying to stand out in this way, we are working from the premise that, as the 12-Step literature says, "Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles.""

"Dropping our last name and our sense of uniqueness," he notes, "is a way to counter this tendency of trying to be the most special person; of trying to control everything and everyone around us; of putting satisfaction of our own desires before the needs of those around us."

"Like many 12-Step ideas," he observes, "there is a brilliance in this one. Without exactly telling us why we are doing it, the tradition . . . guides us to an experience of letting go and an insight into our own suffering -- the suffering of self-centeredness."

"Make a list of all the roles you play," he suggests, "all your identities, whether it's work, family, friends, your talents, your personality traits, your emotional patterns, your addictive habits. Look at all the things that you call "I," like name, body, memories, plans, accomplishments, etc."

"Once you've got the list, go through it one-by-one and ask, "Is this permanent? Could it change? Does it belong to me? Do I control it?" Then ask yourself, "Does this ever cause me pain or discomfort? What would happen if I didn't believe this was 'me'? How can I stop clinging to this identity?""

This, it seems to me, is a far better approach, and one that is far more likely to result in our ideal of "attraction rather than promotion," than is idealistically breaking one's anonymity by seeking the spotlight to tout the miracle of A.A. when one is really only clean and sober today, just like the rest of us. . . . And it sure reduces the risk of a spectacular Sheen-ian meltdown and tirade against A.A. (or any of its sister organizations) if one does not try or succeed in adopting A.A.'s program and principles as a way of daily living.

From Self-Centered Resentment to a Quiet Humility

The basic problem of the alcoholic addict is "selfishness," or "self-centeredness" - our basic egocentric, self-consciousness - which is the very fabric of the inner narrative, or "painful inner dialogue," which seems to continuously run through our minds.

"Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us," we read in the 'Big Book,' "we considered its common manifestations." First of which, we read, is our pent-up anger or "resentments."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64.]

"I must cease trying to forgive those who fretted and wronged me," we read in our meditation for the day. "It is a mistake for me even to think about these injuries. I must aim at overcoming myself in my daily life and then I will find there is nothing in me that remembers injury, because the only thing injured, my selfishness, is gone."

["Twenty-Four Hours a Day," May 3rd.]

 To let go of this inner narrative, to cease even thinking about such powerful old ideas as our long-held resentments, is the key to spiritual awakening and the essence of humility - being who we are in the deeper and higher portion of our consciousness and nature.

"Humility," reads a plaque on Dr. Bob's desk, is "(p)erpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble, It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. . . . (I)t  is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace."

True humility, true peace and selflessness - the freedom from "the bondage of self" at the heart of our Third Step prayer - is the essence of a spiritual way of living. It is to be free of the self and egoless. In the most literal sense it is to have true peace of mind, the inner quiet that mystics, saints and contemplatives from  all the world's great religious or wisdom traditions have spoken of.

To seek such peace of mind, to practice "self examination, meditation and prayer" in order to realize one's true inner being is a luxury for ordinary men and women; yet, for the alcoholic addict it is vital necessity. Ultimately, the alcoholic addict must find such peace of mind in order to save his or her life. To do so, he or she must give up even thinking of old resentments. Thankfully, the 12 Steps are specifically set out so that such old, ego-centric thoughts and ways of thinking can be alleviated.

Self-Esteem and Realizing 'Objectivity'

Like most everyone else - but perhaps more so - the alcoholic addict who is newly clean and sober most likely remains obsessed with his or her self-image. And it is likely a thread that runs deep into the fabric of their being. It is for most folks.

How many times have we heard a variant of someone saying they just wanted their 'insides' to match the 'outsides' of the people all around them? Perhaps, this is why the discussion of the Fourth Step inventory specifically includes self-esteem and fear as the primary effects on a bruised ego that leads to resentments.

In setting out the instructions for how to make a personal inventory, the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us: "We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we are angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened."

Throughout the third column of one's personal inventory, we are likely to find (as in the example on page 65 of the 'Big Book') that our 'self-esteem' has been affected by others, and/or that we live in fear about what others may think of us. Perhaps that is a legitimate fear for the alcoholic addict who is still using, but it is no way to lead a spiritual life. We are endeavouring to live life on a spiritual basis, after all, and not on the basis of what others' opinions of us are. Besides, they are in all likelihood too busy worrying about how they appear to others to take too much notice of us.

In his book, "Enlightenment is a Secret," the modern spiritual teacher Andrew Cohen observes that we all need to "realize objectivity," and that cannot be accomplished when we are obsessed with our self-image.

Andrew Cohen, Editor-in-chief,
EnlightenNext magazine.

"Self image is always a dark corner," he writes. "Most people are all suffering from the same agony, tormented by ideas of who they are and who they don't want to be."

"It helps," he observes, "when you realize that this predicament is the human condition. It helps when you realize that almost everybody is suffering in this same misery. Realizing this can help. It can help you to see through the illusion that you are suffering in your own misery isolated and alone. Because of this idea many people feel sorry for themselves. When you realize that this is the average condition of almost everyone it is the beginning of a big change in perspective."

"Realize its not 'your' problem," Cohen urges. "Realize that it is the problem. Realize that this one mistake is the crux of the human predicament. Try and make the effort to depersonalize every aspect of your experience, from the gross to the subtle."

"Realize objectivity," he urges. "It is the only way out."

[Andrew Cohen, "Enlightenment is a Secret," page 144.]

On reviewing our inventory, the 'Big Book' specifically shows us how this lack of objectivity about what others may (or may not) think about us is all-pervading and lethally dangerous. "We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us," we read, "(a)nd in that state the wrong-doings of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill."

Realizing that the false ego of the 'self' - our ordinary self-consciousness, rather than a deeper and higher, God-consciousness - is the real cause of our suffering, we strive to "realize objectivity," as Cohen puts it. Or, as the 'Big Book' puts it: "We realized that the people who had wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick themselves. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too."

It is, therefore, helpful to realize that ego, or ordinary self-consciousness - "thinking without awareness," as another spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, called it - is not just our problem, but that is 'the' problem, just as Cohen notes. Or, as another enlightened spiritual master said, "Of myself, I am nothing, the Father doeth the works." (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 75.)

Three Delsuions: Control, Normalcy and Manageability

"'Denial,'" I've heard it said, "is a treatment center word, while 'delusion' is what we talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous." The reason for this is quite clear: denial is saying, to one's self or someone else, what one knows not to be true; while 'delusion' means saying that something that is not true is true - and believing, in fact, that it is. In most instances, therefore, the still practicing alcoholic addict is not 'in denial', but is 'delusional.' He or she really believes that he or she is not an alcoholic addict.

I remember that I used to say do the guys I partied with, "For me its recreational, for you it's therapeutic." How wrong I was, and I had no idea! I was clearly delusional when it came to my addiction. And it was only after being in recovery for a number of years, that I began to realize that this was not the only area of my life where I was completely delusional. My whole life, I came to realize, was nothing but an illusion.

There are three delusions (or illusions) that the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous specifically addresses. The first two 'delusions' are discussed at the beginning of the "More About Alcoholism," while the third (and all important) 'delusion' is discussed following the description of the alcoholic addict as an "actor," in the "How It Works" chapter of the 'Big Book.'

At the beginning of the "More About Alcoholism" chapter, the first of these 'delusions' is set out in the following way:

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

In the next paragraph, we read that, "(t)he delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." This is the second of the three 'delusions.'

Finally, after the description of the alcoholic as "actor," on pages 60-61 of the 'Big Book,' we are asked:

"What is (the alcoholic's) basic trouble? Is he not a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"

[Emphasis added.]

All of the 'three delusions' speak to Step One of AA's program of recovery. The first 'delusion' speaks to the first part of Step One, where we admit we are "powerless over alcohol," while the second and third 'delusions' speak to life's unmanageability.

Because, both physically and mentally, we are "powerless over alcohol" - because we simply metabolize it differently than does the non-alcoholic -  it is a delusion that one day we will somehow be able to control and enjoy drinking once again (if we ever had any control in the first place), even though we may well believe it to be true. It is a delusion.

Carl Jung
(1875-1961)

While the second 'delusion - "that we are like other people, or presently may be" - seems on its face to be related to both alcoholism and the first delusion, in essence, it is not. It is much more related to the self-centered, ego-centric, nature of the alcoholic addict's personality.

It is because we are not like other people (or perhaps that we are just like other people, only "way more so') that Carl Jung observed that wholesale psychic changes "in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements" are necessary for alcoholics to attain and maintain their sobriety.

Commenting on the nature of these "phenomena" that supplied the required psychic change necessary to arrest alcoholism, Jung observed that: "Ideas, emotions and attitudes that were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 27.]

"Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity," we are not, nor will we one day be just like other people. It is necessary for the alcoholic addict to concede this and set the fears and delusions of the alcoholic mind to one side before he or she can truly recover.

[Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62.]

Which brings us to the third delusion. The basic problem of the problem being egoic, self-centeredness, we claim a right and a necessary imperative to manage life - and manage life all by ourselves. And that is the great delusion, really. Life is inherently unmanageable by the individual, precisely because he or she is an individual - a part of a greater whole.

Life manages itself quite well, irrespective of our input and desires, all of which are driven by what it is we think we (or others) need to be happy and content. And, until we can fully concede that no matter how hard we try we will never be able to "wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world" simply by managing well, we are not really in a position to believe that "a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" - and, moreover, we are in no position to "turn our will and our lives over to the care" of such a Power.

And here's the kicker, until we concede that is delusional, in fact, to think we can somehow learn to 'manage life,' we will never be in a position to understand who we are, what we are, and what life is all about. Until we do so, we remain ever vulnerable to drink and drug; and, if long experience is valid, it seems very likely that the person who retains management rights over life will almost invariably do so.

Overcoming the Suffering of the "Self"

"Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric. . . "
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 61.

How do we overcome the suffering caused by the ego, or small "self"? Over and over the 'Big Book' of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that the root cause of alcoholic addiction is "self" - a.k.a. the human "ego." Specifically we are told:

Selfishness - self centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. . . . So our troubles we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! (Emphasis added.)

God helps us to get rid of our "self" centeredness and all its manifestations we are immediately told, and working through the 12 Steps helps us to do that - to "deflate ego" in depth. Having done the work, how then can we continue to work on keeping the voice of the ego - "self" - in check? Fortunately, A.A. has "no monopoly" on this process of "self-forgetting." And all of the world's great wisdom traditions speak to this.

Thich Nhat Hahn

Thich Nhat Hahn, a renowned Buddhist monk from Vietnam (who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King Jr.), has written a small book, "Beyond the Self," that fits easily into one's pocket or purse. In it he examines the three mechanisms that help to drive the ego: ignorance, anger and lust. Of these, perhaps our ignorance of what "self" is, and how the "ego" operates, is probably our biggest barrier to allowing "a Power greater than ourselves" into our life and being, in order that this might surplant the raucous, painful and fear-based inner dialogue of the "ego" which drives us so blindly.

"Buddha," Thich Nhat Hahn notes, explains that "ignorance gives rise to impulses." It is our job to refrain from acting on our "self-centered" impulses. Hahn recommends "mindfulness" as a means to doing so, a practice that is an integral part of the continuing mental inventory of our thoughts and actions that we take in Step Ten. It is pretty well equivalent to what Bill W. means by "self-examination."

"Ignorance," Thich Nhat Hahn observes, "means that we don't understand what is happening, so we behave in a certain way. If we are able to see clearly we will behave differently. Each one of us is caught, to a larger or smaller extent, in our emotions, in our difficulties, and in our experiences of suffering in the past. Because we're caught, we repeat the same suffering over and over again. We have a habit energy of reacting to circumstances in a rote way."

Or, as it says in the "How It Works" reading: "Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." Nil, nada, nothing! As one wizened old-timer pointed out to me, that is the only "absolute" that we find in the first part of the Big Book. He told me (and rightly so, I believe) that, "there is nothing to learn in A.A. It is a process of 'unlearning." It is a process of letting go of our "old" ideas and unlearning our "attitudes," which is defined in my dictionary (the "O.E.D.") as "a settled opinion or way of thinking," i.e., our "habit" of thought. And, God only knows how much an alcoholic addict loves and clings onto his or her habits!

So how do we let go of old ideas and habitual thought patterns? If we have completed the Steps we turn to Step Three . . .  if not, we pick up a pen and paper and begin working on Step Four. Assuming we are working Step Three, every time we don't know what to do, or our thoughts are running wild and we are feeling "emotionally disturbed," we are told to stop, pause and, from the quiet within us, say the Serenity Prayer.

In a very real sense, this is the practice of "mindfulness," a concept or practice that is increasingly understood and used in the West, but which is essentially and originally an Eastern (particularly Buddhist) term and methodology. "Mindfulness" is, to my mind at least, the result of the interwoven and logically interrelated practices of "self-examination, meditation and prayer;" what Bill describes  in Step Eleven of the "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," as "an unshakeable foundation."

Thich Nhat Hahn then further illustrates how we are habitually driven by our old ideas and ways of thinking, and describes how "mindfulness" can relieve us of this "bondage of self."

"Our habit energy is what causes us to repeat the same behaviour thousands of time. Habit energy pushes us to run, to always be doing something, to be lost in thoughts of the past or the future and to blame others for our suffering. And that energy does not allow us to be peaceful and happy in the present moment."

"The practice of mindfulness helps us to recognize that habitual energy. Every time we can recognize the habit energy in us, we are able to stop and to enjoy the present moment. The energy of mindfullness is the best energy to help us embrace our habit of energy and transform it."

 In a very real sense, practicing "mindfulness" is our practicing the 'presence of God' in our lives; a practice that asks us not to conform to, or change the world, but rather to recover and to be "transformed" by the "renewal" of our minds. (Romans 12:2)

(Excerpts are from Thich Nhat Hahn, "Beyond the Self: Teachings on the Middle Way," Parallax Press, Berkeley CA: 2010)

Gratitude . . . A Selfless Attitude of Grace.

I was brought up in my early sobriety with the Four Absolutes - Honesty, Purity, Unselfishness and Love - concepts that my first sponsor, his sponsor, and their friends were exposed to in visiting meetings in the Cleveland area.  My first sponsor had been a "serial offender" when it came to relapses. On one of his last drnks, he had gone out just for "a couple of beers" and ended up shooting speed with a dirty needle. He died of AIDS, uncomplainingly, with seven-and-a-half years of continuous and contented sobriety.

Paul took me on a number of 12 Step calls in early sobriety, and I was always very "busy" helping others, active in the Fellowship, working full-time, raising a family and attending university part-time. He and his wife had planned his funeral in minute detail, as there was no magic "cocktail" of drugs at that time to treat AIDS. The Four Absolutes were displayed in a large floral wreath above his coffin. He had asked his wife to give me the silk ribbon from the wreath that said "Unselfishness," while "Honesty, Purity and Love" were assigned to others of his family and circle of friends.

I've heard it said time and time again that "Gratitude is an action word." While this statement is true in one respect - "Faith without works is (indeed) dead" - it misses the mark in another. Since alcoholism and addiction "centers in the mind," there is an all-important mental aspect to gratitude, which if unrealized negates all the benefits that mere action alone brings.

My first sponsor once cautioned me that I was "a human doing, rather than a human being," but the meaning of that escaped me. Wasn't I doing all these things for others without thought of reward? Was that not "gratitude" for my sobriety? Was I not living up to the ideal of Absolute Unselfishness? Well, no . . . as it turns out.

Gratitude is really an "attitude of Grace," an "attitude" being our "habitual or usual mode or way of thinking." Therefore, while I was acting "unselfishly" in the ordinary, external sense of the word,  mentally I was still as consumed and driven by "self" - the individual ego that Bill W. described as a "punishing inner dialogue" - as ever.

Propelled by self-will, a chemically, but not spiritually, sober alcoholic can hit great heights, which I did. But the fall from those heights, when it almost invariably comes, brings great suffering to all affected and too-often proves fatal to the unrecovered, dry alcoholic addict. It was nearly so in my case.

I had no initial or lingering reservations that I was powerless over drugs and booze, but I had never admitted that life does not need my constant mental management and attention. Further, on my first day with my new sponsor, (who I had worked alongside while I was still "performing) he told me that I needed to look at the Second Step - that a power greater than my "self" could restore me to sanity.

I had thought that my boozing and drugging was the "insanity," and instead of asking him what "self" meant, I asked him what "God" meant. Of course, this is largely an unanswerable question, so he told me "good orderly direction," no doubt becasue he could sense the prejudice and contempt I had for "conventional" notions of a "Higher Power."

". . . relieve me of the bondage of self. . . "

For the next 15 years I spent virtually all my time confined in "the bondage of self," mentally managing life while reassuring myself - and, so I thought,  demonstrating to everyone else - that I had "good orderly direction" in my thinking. Two university degrees (and a change of occupation from factory worker to high-flying corporate lawyer) later, "self" reliance finally failed me and I spiralled down, ending my fall as a very close to fatal suicide. Then, and only then, was I ready to be shown what Grace truly is, and how to effect a "conscious" contact with "a Power greater than my "self."

I had experienced Grace - a brief "moment of clarity" or "Providence" - the night that my career of drinking and drugging ended. Yet it was only after complete defeat in trying to manage life the way I had been shown by parents, schools and culture, and after I had been shown how and where to establish contact with a power greater than my "self," that I was once again able to experience that freedom from my "punishing inner dialogue," and so effect a conscious contact with God.

Step 11 . . . through prayer and meditation

The all-important page 55 of the Big Book says that the early AA's "found that Great Reality deep down within" their being, and that "(i)n the last analysis, it is only there it can be found." For more than 15 years I had looked everywhere else, all to no avail. I had explored all the avenues I could think of to effect a happy and contented life for myself and my family, without any lasting success. Yet when, I was shown where this Higher Power was to be found by one old-timer, and how to effect a conscious contact with that Power in meditation by another old-timer, did I find the true purpose of sobriety, and the true purpose of life itself.

Written for the second edition of the Big Book, when there were about 150,000 recovered AA's, the Spiritual Experience appendix says that, "(w)ith few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently come to identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves." It was exactly so for me, albeit it took me over 15 years and a face-to-face confrontation with death, to find that "unsuspected inner resource."

Now I know that it is only when I am acting from and with this state of higher consciousness, free from the inner voice of the ego and for the benefit of others, that I am truly demonstrating "gratitude," or an "attitude of Grace." The rest of the time, supposedly unselfish actions on my part, are merely instances of the alcoholic mind's self-trickery and "ego-feeding propositions."

Gratitude is not just "an action word," but works done with an "attitude of Grace." It is only when I take action with a truly open mind, free from "old ideas" and from egoic thinking that I demonstrate "gratitude" and the "Absolute Unselfishness" that is envisioned in the Four Absolutes - the principles that my first sponsor amply demonstrated with the state of his being in the last years of his life, but to which I was blinded by my continual self-centered, ego-centricity. The rest of the time, my actions "miss the mark" and fall short of that degree of perfection that is possible, but that I fall short of.